In the Bible's New Testament, 1st Timothy, Chapter 6, Verse 10 begins with:
"For the love of money is the root of all evils..."
But the oft quoted partial Bible verse is usually shortened even further to just "money is the root of all evil."
Verse 11 urges people to—instead of pursuing money—to pursue, "righteousness, devotion, faith, love, patience, and gentleness." Because Verse 10 isn't an indictment of money, but rather a condemnation of a single minded focus on acquiring more money while neglecting more important concerns.
A woman dealing with end of life decisions turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her decision about what to do with her money when she walks on.
Exotic_Shock_4799 asked:
"AITA for not leaving my estate to my severely disabled brother?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (33, female) received a terminal diagnosis earlier this year. I've got a couple of years at best estimate to get everything in order before I won't have the cognitive ability to do so anymore."
"I've been working with a lawyer and an end of life care social worker to make sure everything will go as smoothly as possible and my wishes will be respected."
"I also have a complicated family situation."
"My parents were never married and my dad died when I was 12 of the same condition I now have. He never married, so all his assets were put in a trust for me by my grandparents."
"My mom married after they broke up and had my half-brother (26, male). He is severely mentally disabled. He's a 7-year-old in a grown man's body and even with all the resources they can get, he's very difficult to care for and my mom and stepdad barely get by most of the time."
"They tried really hard to get legal control of my trust when I was living with them, but couldn't. I help out some when things are really hard, but I feel like my mom treats me like an emergency fund rather than her daughter and my stepdad has been bitter about the financial stuff since even before my dad died."
"My dad was very successful and his family is well off. I don't talk to either of them about my life, because they always get passive aggressive and guilt-trippy."
"I've been trying to talk more with my mom now that I know I'm on borrowed time. We've never had a great relationship, but I wanted to try and resolve some of it."
"She's been much nicer to me and more concerned since the diagnosis, so I thought it was OK to open up a bit. I didn't want her to be blindsided or feel like she has to take on anything since I've appointed another family member to be my medical and financial power of attorney (POA), so I talked to her recently about my plans."
"I told her that I know my half-brother is a full-time job, so I'm having other people take care of my care so she won't be burdened."
"She was thankful for that, but then brought up how she always hoped that I would be the one to make sure my brother was taken care of when she was gone and that in a way I still would be. She would put whatever I leave behind into his care fund and would make sure he knows it's from his big sister."
"This is where I might be the a**hole."
"I'm not leaving anything to my mom or brother. I don't have kids, but I have been the favorite 'auntie' to my best friend's two children for their entire lives."
"They are the light of my life, and I spend a lot of time with them. My BFF and I have been through a lot together."
"She and her husband have been the ones going with me to appointments and letting me crash in their spare room when I was too sick from meds to be home alone. Whatever is left over after I'm gone, is going to the kids for college."
"I know it's money that could secure better care for my half-brother and take some of the load off my mom, but I feel like I want to help someone else now."
The OP later added:
"To answer a couple of questions:"
"(a) I am not at all close to my half-brother. I didn't really meet him until my dad passed, and the 6 years I spent around him were painful and frightening. I haven't seen him in person in 15 years."
"It's not clear that he even understands that he has a sister or what that means, and I would be really surprised if he remembered me at all. So, it's not that I don't care—I care to the same extent that I would about the welfare of any random mentally disabled stranger."
"I just don't have any special interest or warm family feelings about him because we share DNA. I've also already put a lot of money into helping my mom stay solvent to care for him, so there's an argument to be made that he's already received a reasonable share of benefit in life."
"As much as my mom refuses to believe it, I would never have accepted legal responsibility for him after her death. His dad has family that could step in if they were willing."
"(b) I am working with a good team already to get things in order. My estate lawyer is very good at his job, and he and my financial advisor are prepared to firmly lock down everything once I've made the final decisions about where my assets should go."
"I trust my executor. So, that side of things and the medical and logistics planning is being well taken care of, don't worry. I just have to make a few hard decisions that I didn't expect to ever have to make."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I've had a good career and fortunately never had to touch most of my trust, so when medical bills and everything are settled, there should be a lot left to pass on."
"It could set my brother up to be cared for a good chunk of his life after my mom dies or is too old or disabled to continue. That would take a lot of pressure off of her and my stepfather."
"Leaving the money to two kids I'm technically not related to instead could make me an a**hole."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"First, I just want to say I am very sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and I am glad to hear you have a team of professionals helping you to make the transition easier. That is never an easy thing to hear or process, so please be kind to yourself and know it's okay to have a range of emotions regarding this news."
"You are NTA at all. It sounds like your close friends have really been your support network through this and are going to continue being your support network. That is wonderful to have friends like that."
"Your estate should go to to whomever you want it to go to. Everyone seems to think there is this unspoken rule that family must be taken care of first-but what they don't realize is family isn't just about blood relations."
"Family is what you make of it. Your friend and their two children have been your family and support so of course you want to ensure they are taken care of. A college trust is an amazing thing to leave for them and it sounds like they will be grateful."
"Please don't give in to your mom and stepdad. Even if you did leave something for your brother, there is no guarantee it would be used to better his care, especially since they have tried to get access to your trust fund before."
"Stick to your feelings and wishes." ~ Lucky_Six_1530
"NTA. You've thought carefully about your decision, and you're making arrangements that align with your values and relationships. Your half-bro's care is undeniably a huge responsibility, but it's also a responsibility that rests with your mom and stepdad."
"It's clear that you have a deep bond with your best friend's kids, who've been a huge source of comfort and support to you. Choosing to leave your estate to them is a deeply personal decision, and you have every right to direct your assets where you feel they'll bring the most meaning and fulfillment. Best of luck!" ~ norablisss
"NTA. I am so, profoundly sorry to hear about your situation."
"It is entirely for you to do what you want with your inheritance. It sounds like your best friend has really been there for you so if it feels right to leave the money to her & the children you love/have brought you so much joy then of course you should go ahead."
"You've already helped your mom & half- brother." ~ Apart-Ad-6518
"NTA, not in the least. You are in an unimaginably dreadful situation, with no good options. You've done everything right so far re the POAs."
"Ensure that your will strictly conforms to your wishes. Some people put a clause in the will stating 'I have chosen not to make provisions for A, B and C. This is my express wish'. The clause makes it harder for A, B and C to challenge the will."
"My heart goes out to you on so many levels. Please, take care of yourself, take care of the little ones, and do what you want with YOUR inheritance. That's surely what your dad intended." ~ CandylandCanada
"NTA. I would be telling my mom that with my medical situation and plans to spend what time I have left living life to the fullest that there will be no money or assets left to give. She doesn't need any other information about your will than that."
"With that information 1 of 2 things will probably happen: she won't care about the money and also want to enjoy with you what time you have left or she will be upset you don't plan to leave anything. Either way, it will clearly show you how much of your remaining time you spend with her."
"All the best wishes for your journey ahead and hope you get to experience as much love and joy as possible for your remaining time." ~ zantosthemagician
The OP offered an update.
"Thinking about some things people have said in this thread, it may just be time to end the sentence on my relationship with my mom and her family and move on."
"I've always held out hope that she cared in her own way and that things could be better, but I'm really tired and I'm not sure I want to spend what's left of my time chasing it and trying to figure out whether she can even be trusted to manage any money I could leave to them."
"I want to believe my mom does actually care about me, but it would completely track if she was only showing concern because she thought she might get something out of it. I do wonder if I would ever hear from her again if she thought the well was dry."
"I'll bring it up with the social worker. Might be best to rip the bandaid off somehow while I'm certified to be in sound mind so my planning team can document the outcome."
"The social worker offered to set up a few family sessions with a counselor that specializes in terminal family member issues, so I might let that be the weathervane."
Hopefully the OP can find peace in the time they have left.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp