Punctuality when a guest is in someone’s home is a sign of respect. If the invitation says 6 pm, strolling in at 9:30 pm would be considered rude.
But what if the guest is consistently on time, but the host is late?
A wife and mother turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her chronically late mother-in-law.
Wiggitywoogitywham asked:
“AITA for refusing to go to my mother-in-law’s (MIL’s) for dinner anymore?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I want to preface this by saying that I am on the spectrum, and therefore struggle with nuanced social situations. Which is why I’m reaching out to Reddit for some third party insight.”
“I just included that to explain why I was questioning my actions in this situation. I’ve posted on this sub before and was told in the comments that being on the spectrum was relevant info that I should’ve put in my post.”
“My MIL (48, female) has recently moved back to our hometown after finally escaping from her ex. My husband and I were unaware of the severity of the situation (because MIL made certain to hide it), and I know that my husband is feeling very guilty about it.”
“But MIL is doing better and has her own little apartment in town and has been working and rebuilding her life. We’ve made efforts to support her as much as possible, but we are in a tight spot financially, so what we can do is limited.”
“For the past few couple weeks, my MIL has been inviting us over to her place for dinner multiple times a week. She has always loved to cook, and says she is excited to get to cook for family again. Plus she gets to spend time with our toddler.”
“The problem is that she has consistently told us to be there around 6pm, only for her to not have dinner ready until 9pm or later. And she refuses any help in the kitchen.”
“It’s not that she’s consistently cooking that whole time. She’ll do some prep, then take a smoke break (outside). Then do a little more cooking, and then take a play-with-baby break. Then a coffee break.”
“Then she’ll do a little more cooking, then take a phone call outside. Then another smoke break. Apparently, this is how she’s always done things.”
“This is a major issue because we wind up staying out past our daughter’s bedtime. Her whole nighttime routine gets thrown off, and it makes it harder to get her down for bed. Not to mention how cranky she gets waiting on the food.”
“I’ve tried to gently talk to my MIL about this, but she has always been critical of me, and of my parenting. She thinks it’s outrageous that I keep my daughter on such a strict schedule and insists that when her kids were little, they didn’t have schedules and just ate when they were hungry and fell asleep when they were tired, and it worked out just fine.”
“I asked my husband to talk to his mom about it, but she basically told him the same thing. Then went off on him about how she was just trying to help us out financially by providing a few meals for us, and how it was terrible of us to try to make her feel bad for just wanting to spend time with her family.”
“So he dropped it, and we’ve been back to her place for dinner a couple more times since then. And it’s still been served at 9 pm. And she’s been making passive-aggressive comments about how I need to loosen up and how I can’t expect the world to stick to my schedule.”
“And my husband thinks we should just put up with it because his mom has been through so much, and he feels partially responsible because he was unaware of the situation and wasn’t able to protect her.”
“But after a particularly critical phone call with her yesterday, I told my husband that I didn’t want to go to her place for dinner anymore.
“The phone call was about Christmas presents. She didn’t like my ideas for what gifts my daughter might enjoy.”
“And she didn’t like that I told her no to a couple of her gift ideas. Like an American Girl doll. I told her that my daughter was too young for one and it would be better to wait a few years for that gift.”
“She said that I was too controlling, that my daughter wouldn’t be able to have a fun childhood if I didn’t loosen up. And I mentioned that we were going small for Christmas this year, and she said that when her kids were young, no matter how strapped she was, she would bust her a** so her kids could have a magical Christmas.”
“That she always spent at least $1,000 on each of them, so they could wake up to a giant pile of gifts. And she thought it was sad that we weren’t trying harder to make that happen for our daughter.”
“My husband insisted that she’s just stressed because of everything she’s been through, and we need to show her some leniency.”
“I told him that she can come over to our place for dinner every now and then, that would be fine. But I’m not going to be held captive at her apartment anymore.”
“We didn’t really come to an agreement, though. And I’m thinking that maybe I’m being too harsh on my MIL, and torturing my husband in the process.”
“I’ve become hesitant to be assertive because of how many times over the years that people have told me that I’ve been rude, and I have no idea why. And the added layer of her being a DV victim, that needs to be treated gently while she heals, just makes me even more apprehensive of my interactions with her.”
“When my mom got too critical about my parenting at one point, I just told her, ‘Your comments make me feel like you think I’m a bad parent, and it makes me not want to be around you’.”
“And my dad got on to me for being rude when my mom was just apparently trying to help. So I’ve been biting my tongue.”
“So Reddit, AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I may be the a**hole because I have refused to spend time with my MIL in the way that she wishes. She is going through a difficult time right now and could use more support and leniency from her loved ones.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“My MIL used to do this very exact thing to my husband and I when our daughter was young. Our attendance at ‘family dinners’ was requested and expected on a regular basis.”
“And no matter how many times I explained that our daughter went to bed at 7 pm, dinner would be served….. at 7:30 pm. or 8 pm.”
“After the in-laws did this more than once, I put my foot down and ripped my husband a new one. He had to figure out his priorities FAST. Please, his mom or have a happily fed child and a non-frazzled, not angry wife?”
“We began completely ignoring MIL’s schedule, and I would pack my daughter’s dinner and feed her at her hungry time (around 5 pm). I would always pack and eat something, too.”
“Then I’d change my daughter into pajamas, and at about 7 pm….. we would say our goodbyes and leave—daughter slept during the car ride home.”
“MIL figured it out. She didn’t like it, but I didn’t care. We were giving her the visiting time but respecting our daughter’s needs too.”
“Good luck, stay strong, you are NOT being unreasonable. Good for you for putting your child’s needs first. NTA.” ~ busyshrew
“This was going to be my suggestion. If MIL complains, just tell her, ‘Kids eat when they’re hungry and go to bed when they’re tired’!” ~ thematicturkey
“NTA. Childrearing theories have evolved over the decades since your MIL raised free-range children.”
“If you absolutely cannot refuse the invitation (which is not a summons, BTW), pack some dinner for your little one and stick to your bedtime routine so she isn’t cranky and fussy.”
“If MIL still has a problem with it, because waiting for 3 hours past a specified time isn’t rude at all, then you need to present a united front with your spouse that your daughter will have a structured routine.” ~ CheeseMakingMom
“I feel tortured just listening to what you have to put up with when you visit. I suggest that you and your husband get on the same page—can you afford a couples counselor or coach?”
“If not, you can set a boundary that you are not willing to go any more. If your husband insists on going, he can go by himself.”
“If he is taking your child, it is all on him. I agree it is not at all good for your daughter to be so disrupted, but I bet a few dinners by himself with his mom and your daughter might make him come around.”
“It is outrageous that he isn’t sticking up for you when his mom is critical. NTA.” ~ 2moms3grls
“I’d solve this by telling husband and MIL that you’re showing up at 5:30 and leaving at 7:30 regardless. If dinner gets put on the table at 7:25, I’d still get up and leave at 7:30.
“I’d stand up, tell husband it’s time to go, and that he needed to be in the car in the next 5 minutes or make arrangements to find his own way home.”
“First time she cooks and nobody sticks around to eat, she will get the message and have dinner on the table at an appropriate time or stop inviting you. If your husband opts to stay, you know where he stands on the situation.”
“Either way, everyone will understand you’re tired of dinner turning into a 4-hour ordeal, and you’re not going to do it anymore.” ~ finitetime2
The OP provided an update.
“Many people have suggested that she is stalling to avoid being alone, and I believe that seems like the most likely scenario.”
“I’m becoming more convinced that just inviting her over to our place, on our schedule, is the best thing to do right now. Then she would still get to play with her grandkid.”
“And yeah, from some of the other comments, I’m starting to realize that my husband needs to grow a backbone against his mom, even if she has been through hard times.”
“My husband is a very wonderful husband and father, but he is a bit of a pushover when it comes to his mom. I will talk to him again about the situation, but more sternly this time.”
Keeping the interactions where the OP can control the schedule seems like a good solution.
Getting her husband to talk to his mother and handle any fallout sounds even better.