Respect is one of the cornerstones of any relationship, but particularly familial ones.
The importance of feeling valued and seen by family cannot be overstated, particularly during family get-togethers.
Unfortunately, this feeling isn’t always easy to come by.
What happens when the big family event comes along and you don’t just feel unseen, you feel intentionally excluded?
This was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) NoTopTable when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
In a now deleted post, he asked:
“AITA for being hurt that I won’t be sat with my family and will actually be placed on the kids table at my older sister’s wedding?”
He began with the background.
“Ok so I know it’s not my day but also I’m a little hurt.”
“I’m 22 ftm(Female to Male) guy and my sister is getting married soon.”
He quickly moved to the problem at hand.
“I found out I’ll not be sat with my family at the ‘top table’ but my younger sister and parents will be and so will the groom’s siblings and parents.”
“Just not me.”
“Instead my partner and I’ve been placed at the table that’ll have all my young (under 10) second cousins on.”
“I mentioned to my sister that my partner and I don’t want to be sat at the kids table.”
“We’re not overly fond of kids and would rather be able to get plastered on peace at the reception without worrying about children.”
“She said no, that’s where you’re sat.”
“Internally I was like ‘ok fine I’ll just head to the ceremony and skip the reception’.”
“I didn’t say this to her and I still haven’t just so it doesn’t feel like I’m manipulating her.”
“But now I’m also not involved in the getting ready together as a family at the venue which involves staying the night at the venue.”
“As well as staying the night of the wedding and having a little family brunch the day after before my sister goes on her honeymoon.”
“The rest of my family is invited to my sister’s bachelorette party too but not me.”
“As well as the typical events like dress picking, cake tasting etc. The together time type of things.”
“Again I know it’s not my day but I can’t help being hurt.”
“I do feel like it’s because I’m trans as they use any excuse to deadname me and my extended family don’t refer to me at all, not even on birthday or Christmas cards.”
OP did explain how this made him feel.
“I think it’s a polite way of having me there but out of the way.”
Though he was left wondering if he was wrong.
“But also I could just be being overly sensitive and need to buck up.”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for some outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some were very direct in their response.
“Sounds a lot like they’re telling you how they feel.”
“If it were me, I’d walk away and never look back.” ~ Ok_Matter_1437
Others pointed out how intentional the insult was.
“It’s not just the kid’s table. It’s the second cousin’s kid’s table.”
“When creating a seating plan at a wedding, traditionally family is closest to the bride/groom.”
“Then people are sat in decreasing closeness to the bride/groom.”
“This tells me that the bride/groom are essentially saying ‘We still consider you family but on the same level as a second cousin’s child.’ “
“I wouldn’t want to generalize but I wouldn’t think most people are inviting third & fourth cousins to their wedding so it’s about as far from the immediate family as possible.” ~ smsl07
Responses encouraged a little payback.
“OP should definitely go.”
“Bring squirt guns, permanent markers, super melty chocolate, noisy toys, anything that kids love but parents hate.”
“Distribute them to the children at the table and tell them to go play at the worst time possible.”
“Encourage the children to do things like object to the wedding, crawl under other guests tables, etc…”
“If OP’s family wants to treat him like a child, then let the childish games begin.”
“Or just stay home and watch Netflix. Weddings are way overrated.” ~ NVPcMan
Commentors took time to validate OP’s perspective.
“NTA- you are being pushed out of sight.”
“Your feelings aren’t wrong about this.”
“They dont deserve you.”
“Do they do this with other family outings or is it just surrounding sisters wedding?”
“Its posts like these that make me want to adopt adults so they don’t feel like you do.”
“Im sorry you have to feel this way.” ~ jezabel3166
“You deserve a chair with your family.”
“You’re not being sensitive, your sister is the insensitive one.”
“Your feelings are valid and you’re being put apart. What your parents think about it ?” ~ Mianseryn
While others gave some suggestions on how to move forward.
“I think some other commenters have made some good points about the bachelorette and wedding dress shopping might not be purposely excluding you.”
“However, the other stuff doesn’t seem right.”
“I think you could start by letting her know that you would like to be a part of those things, and see what she says.”
“If you don’t even get the family brunch or an adult table then you need to seriously think about not going (reception or the whole thing).”
“It’s not manipulative to say that.”
“You’ll remain calm, and say you aren’t interested in attending and wish her a happy day.”
“You mentioned in other comments that you can’t cut contact right now, so just stand your ground until then, if needed.”
“Good luck OP, I hope things work out for you” ~ NaviCato
Respect is absolutely vital to any healthy relationship.
Respect isn’t just about the words though, it’s about how the people around you treat you.
If you aren’t being respected, be mindful of that and take steps to care for your own value whenever possible.