*Content Warning: the following includes transphobic slurs
The decision to come out is based on a number of factors. An important one should be personal safety.
Not everyone is in an environment where they can come out safely. But the desire to share their truth can lead to coming out in stages—first with people they feel safe with.
But what if that safe person doesn’t take their concerns seriously? That’s what a transgender teen faced when she came out to her girlfriend.
After her girlfriend shared her secret far and wide, the teen said something hurtful in response. Now they’re wondering if they’re wrong so they asked the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to pass judgment.
Redditor Telegraph-Avenue asked:
“AITA for reminding [my ex that she’ll never] meet her real parents after she outed me as trans?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (17 pre-everything [male-to-female]) have recently realized that I would be comfortable in life as a transgender woman. Unfortunately due to conservative parents I’m going to have to wait until I move out to transition.”
“When I realized this, the first person I told was my (now ex) girlfriend (17). A little bit of background she is clearly of Asian descent but her parents are White as snow, it’s clear to everyone she’s adopted.”
“She seemed supportive at first (using correct pronouns and my chosen name) she even said she would stay with me through my transition. I told her not to spread the word because my Dad could ship me off to conversion therapy if he heard about this.”
“At first I was happy to have told her but when I woke up I was flooded with messages from literally everybody in my year. Some were nice offering make up tips and the like, but some were calling slurs such as tranny or trap.”
“And then I realized that there is a high likelihood that this is all going to get back to my Dad via people in my year telling their parents about the situation and then I’m royally screwed.”
“I messaged my ex asking if she told anyone. She claimed to have only told a few. I then asked [why] literally everybody in my year knows now.”
“She told me to grow up and how accepting people are. I then reminded her of my VERY conservative dad and she responded with an eye roll emoji.”
“That really pissed me off so I said ‘At least my biological parents give a shit about me and didn’t just sell me out to some random ass family’.”
“She left me on read after this and according to her friend she was crying on FaceTime.”
“In hindsight I could see she meant well by telling her friends but I specifically told her not to because of the consequences that would unfold if the word got around.”
“I feel like an asshole for what I just said but I suppose it’s up for you to decide.”
The OP came back to add:
“To all of these people coming into my DMs saying I’m a privileged White boy…. first of all I’m African American living in a lower middle class household, secondly you are intentionally misgendering me, so shut the f’k up.”
Redditors who were less ignorant offered judgment based on the actions of the party’s involved instead of transphobic comments.
Some saw fault from all parties, declaring ESH or Everyone Sucks Here.
“ESH here…kinda. You a little bit less than your ex.”
“She was wrong to out you as trans. Like dead wrong and owes you a huge f’king apology.”
“You are *completely* justified in feeling betrayed. She doubled down and dismissed your very real fears about the reaction of your family. Definitely not someone you should ever confide in again.”
“What you said was also very rude and intentionally hurtful.” ~ ccoastmike
While others felt the knee jerk reaction of the OP was unavoidable when jeopardizing her life and safety was treated so casually by the person she trusted.
“Isn’t it a bit ironic that it’s exactly your bio parents’ wrath that you fear here?”
“What you said was shitty and mean-spirited. But what your ex did was exponentially worse.”
She took a potentially deadly action and, in my book, that’s unforgivable. Your comment, while awful, would not incite violence against her.”
“No matter her intention, your ex has made you a lot more vulnerable. Stay safe. Seek out the resources you need. NTA” ~ Pterodactyl_Noises
“I agree NTA she traded OPs safety to spread what she perceived as ‘juicey gossip’ to her little friends.”
“What OP said was horrible but in the shock of the moment and now facing the fear of conversion therapy, and fear for her own safety, I can understand why she would lash out.”
“Those conversion camps are absolutely terrifying to read about.” ~ MissFritillary
“NTA. Ally Pro-Tip Thread Hi-jack – When someone is closeted and they tell you it’s because they may be forced into “Conversion Therapy”…the best response is to go into respect and protect mode.”Â
“Many of the techniques used in this widely-banned ‘therapy’ literally fit the Geneva Convention definition of torture. Friends don’t expose friends to that risk.”
“Again, OP, NTA…but you may want to reconfigure your social circle. (And start scrubbing that social media):” ~ aLittleQueer
“100% agree here…what you said to her was nasty, but she put your life in danger. I hope you can get some help before your dad finds out… conversion “therapy” should be banned… NTA” ~ eve6grl02
“Not to mention her reaction after. She may have not seen the potential harm, but responding with eye roll and ‘grow up’?” ~ Symre
In a second update the OP posted:
“Dad’s yelling my name from downstairs, he wants me to bring him my phone. Right now I’m deleting/logging out of all things that point towards me being trans.”
“So this will probably be my last post on this account. Be good people – Jacqui”
Hopefully things turn out alright for the Original Poster with her family and her friends.
The National Center for Transgender Equality offers online resources here.
Transgender people in crisis can get help through the Trans Lifeline at https://www.translifeline.org/ or call US: 877-565-8860 Canada: 877-330-6366