Raising kids is easy, said no one ever.
Let’s face it. Parenthood, as rewarding as it is in the long term, has its obstacles that seem impossible to face.
But parents must do the best they can to set an example and do whatever disciplinary actions are necessary to ensure they can face their own challenges when they grow up.
Being a step-parent, however, has a unique set of challenges, and one Redditor questioned her way of handling things when her 11-year-old step-daughter got into trouble.
Seeking judgment after how things went down following a confrontation by the tween after school, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Yogurt__Girl asked:
“AITA for not taking responsibility for my husband’s daughter?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
For context, I’m 31, my husband is 34, and his daughter is 11.”
“Me and my husband (Kyle) got married 2 years ago, after he divorced the mother of his daughter(Leah). Leah never liked me, and constantly had attitude towards me.”
“I still treated her kindly, cooked, and even cleaned after her, understanding that the divorce hurt her. Kyle works from 8am-6pm, so I was the one who received a call from Leah’s school at 1pm.”
The OP continued:
“The staff told me over the phone that she had gotten in a fight with a 13-year-old girl. Knowing I had to deal with it, I drove over to her school.”
“The principal, Leah, the girl, and the girl’s parents were waiting in the office. The principal and the girl’s parents accused me of Leah’s behavior, saying that I was the reason she acted out.”
“Leah was giving me attitude, also saying that I raised her like this, and I was to blame. Obviously irritated by these accusations, I denied all their allegations.”
“Explaining that I was only her step-mom and that I was barely involved in her life. A few moments later Leah’s real mother(Sandra) arrived and sorted it all out with the principal.”
The conflict didn’t end there.
“Leah was suspended, so I had to drive her home. While on the drive back, she yelled at me, saying it was my fault for her suspension, and I should’ve taken the blame.”
“AITA for not taking responsibility for my husband’s daughter?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA but honestly, I think you should have taken a step back a while ago.”
“You should never have been called to this meeting and – having been called, you shouldn’t have gone. It should have been only mom or – if necessary – dad should have gotten out of work early.”
“I’m going to be blunt: At this point, your de facto relationship with this girl is that of an over-glorified, unpaid babysitter, so Dad can have her during his parenting time without either cutting down work hours or paying for childcare.”
“This isn’t the case with all stepparents. And maybe it will change for you and her. But while I would certainly be nice to the girl and occasionally make attempts at bonding, I’d walk back from any responsibility if I were you.” – Sure-Beach-9560
“I realize you’re already married, but knowing how much this child dislikes you, and acts out, why would you still marry him, knowing you’re stepping right into the fire?? This kid needs her mom and dad to focus on her. If not, you will always be “the bad guy”. Who needs that??” –
Lumpy_Ear2441
“I am wondering if OP was the reason for the divorce. They kinda gloss over the that they married right after the divorce. If she was the reason for the divorce, I don’t think she cares one way or the other as to how her stepdaughter sees her or what her husband and ex need to be doing with their child.” – kawaeru
“NTA. You should have reminded everyone that you’ve been in her life for two years. You also need to talk to your husband about your clear role, if you haven’t already, because I have reminded your stepdaughter that this is all on her.” – LowBalance4404
“NTA. But no one is responsible for her actions except her. So, I think your response to saying you’re barely in her life was the wrong response. You should have said, ‘She is responsible for the choices she made, and we understand there will be consequences to those choices. I’ll talk to her father and he and his ex-wife will work out how to respond at home.'”
“But you can’t be ‘barely involved’ in her life. You’re there. You married her father. Like it or not you are now an adult in her life. And you will be helping to raise her. She’s a jerk right now, and that’s pretty age-appropriate.”
“You have to show her that you are not leaving and that you will love her even if she’s not on her best behavior. And you have to be part of creating and enforcing boundaries.”
“Another big part of this is that your husband needs to step up and support you. He can’t tolerate her talking back to you or treating you badly. He needs to tell her that you are part of the family now and that in your family, you treat each other respectfully.”
“It’s probably a good time to find a family therapist.” – Traditional-Load8228
“Why does she live with her mother? As in, does your husband have full custody, or is it shared?”
“You are obviously NTA. But I hope you will think twice before having a baby and having to deal with this brat.”
“She should be in therapy, but unfortunately, therapy doesn’t heal everything. And why you put yourself in such a situation that seems to be worsening is beyond my compréhension.”
“Sorry but you sound more like an unpaid nanny. Please set boundaries with your husband. It’s really important.” – Ray_3008
“Tell girl to her face that’s bullsh*t and why. If either of her bios dislikes it, oh well, she has a nasty attitude and needs to be taught. Tell her you’re not her mom, and you know that and aren’t trying to be.”
“Tell her the two of you could have been friends, though, and she could have had another adult in her corner and a listening ear to help out when she needed it, but she was choosing to burn that bridge for really no reason other than her own anger at a situation neither of you created.”
“Tell her she can, at bare minimum, be a civil human being to you, or the two of you can just act like the other doesn’t exist, but you aren’t going to take nonsense off of her. And don’t you dare take it.” – FrizzWitch666
“NOPE! NTA. Leah is old enough to know better. Why would you cover for her obvious lies? Then you look like a fool AND her poor behavior continues. The fact that she even thought you should cover for her is disturbing.”
“She needs a therapist, based on what you have described. And a huge attitude adjustment. Her being disrespectful towards you at all, but particularly after you have done so much for her is absolutely unacceptable, and her father (and mother) needs to put a stop to that immediately.” – mumtaz2004
“NTA. she is not 2 years old. she is capable of self-regulation. She chose to hit the girl. You did not raise her that way. You were not there telling her to hit and egging her on. Why would you lie and make yourself immature and irresponsible to help her unhealthily lie to herself and feel better when she doesn’t like you?!”
“the responsible thing is what you did; you talked to the adults involved, gave an honest assessment of the situation, and took her home after. Just because you didn’t falsely take the blame for her misdeed doesn’t mean you didn’t take responsibility for her.”
“That is what she is doing, trying to blame you. The adults need to find ways to extinct this wrongful thinking, or she will become an irresponsible adult who tortured everyone else with her blame.” – ThemeOther8248
“NTA.”
“In the future, your husband can leave work to deal with such calls. Except in cases of her immediate health and safety, things should always default to her mother and father, even if it means response must be delayed slightly. Again, emergencies where you’re the first guardian available are another matter. This was not an emergency.”
“Does he want to leave work for this? Of course not, that’s why he puts it on you. But if there are potential consequences to him (instead of just you) for her behavior, perhaps he’ll actually bother to do something about it.”
“You’re stuck in this place where you’re simultaneously expected to be responsible for her like a mother, but also to step back like a babysitter. Not tenable. Dad clearly needs to step up for his daughter. The kid sounds like she could use some attention from her parents.
“I did laugh at the idea that you have ‘raised her like this,’ as her stepmother of 2 years. Nice try, kiddo.”
“Of course the other parents latched onto this in defense of their own princess, but the principal was being a jackas** to go along with this.” – PinkNGreenFluoride
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP and thought she was not entirely to blame for the fiasco.
Many of the comments suggested the father should take measures to prevent the OP from being what they essentially thought was a babysitter.
Some also thought seeking therapy would be helpful.