Content Warning: Body-Shaming, Face-Shaming, Beauty-Shaming, Sexism, Misogyny, Hurtful and Abusive Comments
Parents who return to the dating pool have different approaches to introducing their children to their new possible partners, ranging from being open about being a parent and introducing everyone early, to keeping their children a secret or not allowing their partners to meet their kids until they feel secure in a long-term relationship.
While these latter options might feel extreme, it's becoming increasingly clear why it's important to vet who we allow to be around our children, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Potential_Shallot161 had two young children and had been dating her boyfriend for a while. With being secure enough in the relationship to make holiday plans, she thought the time had come to gradually start introducing her boyfriend to her children.
When she was immediately unhappy with how he treated them, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt but also felt validated for vigilantly protecting her children.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by leaving when my boyfriend told my daughter, 'You have an ugly face'?"
The OP had recently started introducing her two young kids to her boyfriend.
"My boyfriend (39 Male) and I (32 Female) took my two young kids on a long weekend getaway after the Thanksgiving holiday."
"We've been together for almost three years, but we've only recently started to incorporate my kids more into our life together in a meaningful way."
The OP was not pleased with how her boyfriend was treating her kids.
"When buckling my preschool-age daughter in her car seat throughout the weekend, he would tell her, 'Suck in your fat belly.'"
"Now my daughter is saying she has a fat belly, which I'm not happy about."
"More importantly, Sunday morning, at the end of our stay, my boyfriend leaned over and said something near my daughter's face, to which she replied, 'Eww, something stinks,' and covered her nose."
"I giggled and told my boyfriend, 'I think she's saying you have morning breath.'"
But then the OP's boyfriend took his commentary too far.
"He looked back at her and said, 'Well, you have an ugly face, and that's why you need to wear makeup.'"
"I was shocked and very upset. I calmly packed up our things and told him the kids and me would just grab breakfast on the drive home instead of staying and having breakfast with him."
"I didn't yell, cuss, argue, or throw things around while packing."
The OP and her boyfriend could not figure out how to reconcile.
"He is angry that I left without the two of us having a conversation, whereas I feel we couldn't have had a productive, 'grown up' conversation with my kids in the same hotel room as upset as I was."
"While he did put a lot of effort into the trip, I felt he really crossed a line with his comment. It's one thing for him to make 'negging' comments at me, and another to make them toward my baby."
"I've explained to him that I've told my daughter we are beautiful without makeup and only use it to occasionally feel 'fancy' and for fun, and he had witnessed that interaction earlier in the weekend as we were getting ready."
"We had already planned to drive home separately, and we did not have breakfast plans, so it's not like I left him hanging in limbo."
"We're 24+ hours past the event, and he still hasn't apologized; blaming me for leaving and overreacting due to my insecurities."
"So, am I overreacting for being hurt by the joke and leaving?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some agreed with the OP's concerns but also urged her to hold her partners to higher standards in how she herself was treated.
"NOR, and you're underreacting. It is not 'another thing' for him to be making those comments at you."
"She's repeating his words to her, which means she hears what he says, INCLUDING what he says to you."
"You're setting an example for what your daughter should expect from a partner, one way or another, you need to make sure it is the right one." - collaredd
"OP, he's writing on her entire future psyche and personality. He damn well knows better. When adult men have to dump on women and children, they are rotten. You can't fix it."
"Keep that precious girl safe. Tell her that your boyfriend was being mean to you and to them, and we don't keep mean people near us. Show her how it's done." - No_Appointment_7323
"What's most telling is that he didn't apologize. That to me is the red flag right there."
"He's not sorry and was very intentional with his choice of words. He's verbally abusive, and now he's attacking her kids. Get yourself and your children out of there." - NurseNikki22
"Seriously, NOR. That is a total deal breaker for me in every way, shape, and form. What the actual f*k."
"How dare he undermine her self-esteem like that? It is not okay for him to say it to you, whether she can hear or not. Those comments are not humorous. They are damaging and cruel."
"If he doesn't get that the relationship would be flat-lined for me. You are not being oversensitive. He needs to grow a brain!" - Jolly_Sign_9183
"NOR. I'm in my fifties, and words my father said to me in the same vein still affect me."
"Example: third grade, wanted to take ice skating lessons. To which he replied, 'I don't know why you'd want to do that, you're too fat for any guy to pick up.'"
"I could share many others, but you get the point. There's a reason for the saying the pen is mightier than the sword; words cut deep and can leave devastating scars. You both deserve better."
"He's just setting her up for lifelong body image issues. It's better to teach her to stand up for what is right and have to leave him than stay, and both end up with your spirit beaten down by someone who is so immature as to say things like that to a child."
"Love yourself and children more and kick him to the curb." - ScarletBegonias72
Others agreed and pointed out that the OP deserved a partner who actually wanted to have children, whether biological or adopted.
"NOR. He doesn't need to be around children. He clearly doesn't like them. He's using words to wound a little girl."
"What a small man he is. Dump him sooner rather than later." - Icy_Regret_8076
"NOR. Seriously, who says such things to a preschooler? Also, what preschooler does he expect to be wearing makeup already?"
"The only ones I'm aware of are the dance kids when they perform on stage, as my little sister wore specific makeup to not get washed out by the spotlights." - Satsuki7104
"My dad was my first bully. I eventually just shut him out emotionally and eventually physically (I mean geographically, nothing nefarious). Going low/no contact was a relief, though I did get several whining emails about how he 'didn't know' why I didn't want anything to do with him." - Difficult_Regret_900
"These things stick with you your entire life. When I was six or seven, I asked to join gymnastics, because all my friends were doing it. Then being told, 'You're too big.' Cue multiple eating disorders."
"I don't remember a lot from that age, but I do remember that. My mom denies ever saying this, but I remember what she said clear as day."
"Leave this bratty little man, and do everything you can to reassure your daughter that these were lies coming from a very mean bully of a man, not truths that she needs to carry with her. She deserves to be free of them, and you deserve to be free of anything he may have said to you." - mistymountainsbelow
"There's no apology that would be meaningful- because he didn't make a mistake… He made a conscious CHOICE to HURT a child. So… um.. she better dump his a**."
"He told OP's daughter that she had an ugly face because his feelings were hurt that a toddler dared to mention his morning breath when he was literally putting it right in her face."
"OP, you are NOR. It is your primary job to protect your children, not to call out your boyfriend for being a jerk; therefore, you absolutely did the right thing by deciding to quietly take your children and leave."
"The very last thing that your daughter needed to hear, after hearing from an adult that she had an ugly face, was the argument and perhaps even justifications about what he said and why he said it from your boyfriend."
"The fact that he told her she has a 'fat tummy' more than once is horrific enough! That he then added an additional insult to the situation by telling her she has an ugly face because his feelings were hurt because she said 'something stinks' are the words and actions of a five-year-old, not a vengeful grown man."
"Toddlers are known for being honest, so when she smelled morning breath, she commented on it. Furthermore, she was right to do so because basic kindness and etiquette say adults should know to always do something about their morning breath before getting in someone's face!"
"(I would have called it out, too, by saying, 'Whoo! I'm sorry, but you can't be up in my face unless or until you have done something about that morning breath! Whoo!' as I waved my hand through the air to dispel the stink. All has a joke. Of course, if it were a medical issue causing halitosis, I would not comment.)"
"He cannot be around your children. Ever. Children, even very young ones, internalize things like this, and the last thing you want/need is for your daughter to end up with an eating disorder or feeling bad about herself or her looks. She could end up with low self-esteem, body image issues ... his rude, mean, unnecessary comments to your child are reason to break up with him, in my opinion." - Proverbs21-3
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP's boyfriend had treated her children during one of their first interactions, over the holidays, no less, and what the OP implied that her boyfriend might have said to her, as well.
This clearly was not a man who was ready to be in a serious relationship with a woman who could think for herself, and he definitely didn't need to help raise children. The OP and her children deserved a very special gift for the upcoming holidays: quality time together, with the boyfriend firmly in the rearview mirror.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp