Knowing the difference between helping and enabling, especially when addiction is involved, is difficult.
Is cutting off a friend or family member callous or the best thing for them?
A young property owner facing this dilemma turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Powerful_Drama8372 asked:
“AITA for not letting my friend stay in my second property?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (27, male) come from poverty—like, bad poverty. Myself, my parents, and two sisters grew up in a studio apartment barely surviving and it was horrible.”
“I loved my family, but I hated my living situation. Because I found it so hard at home, I threw myself into my studies.”
“I was in every extra curricular and ended up doing really well in school because of how much time I spent there studying and doing extra credit. Thankfully, this got me a full ride to the college of my dreams and my family were really proud of me.”
“I did great at college and enjoyed having my own space in the dorms. I left and went straight into work.”
“I saved a lot of money, made good investments and was frugal which now means I’m financially stable and have a really sweet house with my girlfriend (21, female) as well as helping my parents and sister out.”
“Recently, we decided to branch out into owning and renting properties and bought a neat little apartment near where my friend, who we’ll call P (34, male), is based. P recently found himself homeless after falling short on rent a few too many times.”
“He’s been couch surfing, and it’s only gotten worse since he lost his job for failing a drug test. He found out through another friend of ours that my girlfriend and I got this apartment and has been blowing up my phone non-stop about wondering if he could stay in it.”
“I called him back last night and said that I was happy to rent it to him, but that he couldn’t live there rent-free, as it just wouldn’t be sustainable for me. I’m currently including utilities in rent, so it is a bit steep.”
“He called me an a**hole and said I made more than enough money for him to stay there just until he was back on his feet.”
“I feel bad because I know this could help him, but I also don’t trust him. His last apartment was a wreck, and even if I were to rent it to him, what’s to say he pays it?”
“He isn’t poor—he had a good job and a good apartment, but he spent all his money on drugs and fell into addiction. Why would I support that by having him not worry about rent and have more money to waste on drugs?”
“My girlfriend thinks we should let him stay there for a bit until he at least has a job, but I don’t trust him to hold his end of the bargain and only stay there short-term as he has a reputation for being given an inch and taking a mile.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refused to let my friend stay in the apartment I rent for free because I don’t trust him and can’t afford that. However, if I did let him stay it could help him with his life.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“He will lie to you and say he’ll pay rent but won’t.”
“His situation is of his own making. No one made him fail that drug test. He did that.”
“He will use you and wreck your place. Don’t let him in, even if he comes up with the first month.” ~ pressluck
“He lost his job because he’s doing drugs. He lost his apartment because he couldn’t pay rent, because he was doing drugs. Bottom line is, he will spend money on drugs over keeping a job and paying rent.” ~
“He MAY not wreck the place. But the bottom line is, he is definitely. Trying to use you, and will most certainly prioritize his drug use over paying you rent. He’s taking advantage of your friendship to support his using. Drugs are a hell of a drug…” ~ SalamanderNo5550
“NTA. The guy sounds like he is going through a lot, but he is not your responsibility. Your rental places are a source of your income. You didn’t get them to give them away.”
“You know that he’s notin a state of mind where he will even properly take care of the place. He’s not going to appreciate you letting him stay at your property.”
“All he’s going to do is take advantage of you and make you lose not just rent money, but also repairs and cleaning money. God forbid he ends up becoming a squatter.”
“Do not let him stay there, even temporarily, until he finds a job. Cause I can tell you right now, he’s not going to walk out peacefully, and he’s not going to put in the effort to get a job and a new place.”
“He’s spiraling downward right now. Not upward.”
“As the saying goes, ‘no good deed goes unpunished’. Not wanting to play parent and become financially responsible for an adult going through things doesn’t make you an a**hole.”
“What can you do for him? Treat him to a meal every once in a while. Or call to check up on him. Or connect him with places that can help him.”
“But do not become responsible for him.” ~ OrdinaryMajestic4686
“NTA. He lost his job because of drugs. That’s not just going to go away magically.” ~ redditstinkttotal
“NTA and please let your girlfriend know that if you let him in, he’ll never leave without months/years of legal fees/eviction process and repairs and the friendship would be ruined anyway. All you’re doing is saving money and time by telling him no now.” ~ Emergency_Mango_2456
“NTA. I have rental properties, and I would never rent to someone who has a history of eviction and failed drug tests. It’s just bad business.” ~ JohnRedcornMassage
“I’m also a landlord. I once allowed my sister-in-law to live in one of our nicer units rent-free while she was ‘getting back on her feet’.”
“Somehow, she had enough to fully redecorate to match her tastes, ruined the dishwasher, and got us in trouble with the HOA for being drunk in the parking lot.”
“Never again will I mix business with friendships or family relationships.” ~ Haunting-Plantain870
“I inherited some from my father and, oh my God, the amount of work and money it takes to get one ready to rent again after someone moves out is mind-boggling.”
“So not only would OP be losing income, he’d eventually have to evict (because let’s be honest, his friend won’t pay or leave), and then get the place ready to go for the next tenant. He’d be basically handing his friend tens of thousands, easily.” ~ Samiiiibabetake2
“NTA. Once he’s living there, good luck evicting him. You already know he’s a crappy tenant. Don’t be a sucker.” ~ sbinjax
“NTA, he didn’t pay his rent at his last place, so why would he pay it here, not to mention he doesn’t have a job now because he decided apparently drugs were more important. Nah, let him dig himself out of his own hole.” ~ Reddit
“NTA—if he is well known for taking far more than given, then absolutely nta for not letting him stay. It’s your property, you make the decisions on it.”
“If you give an inch and they take a mile, then you need to cut them off completely. I lent money to a friend many time,s and once in every 4 times I would get paid back for 1 time, so I straight up told her I could not lend her money anymore.”
“I couldn’t afford to. When she asked again (many more times and I said no every time) I finally cut her off as she wouldn’t say anything else except to ask for money.” ~ Soap_on_a_potato
“NTA, this is a recipe for disaster. I’m guessing he wouldn’t be providing any deposit for damages, right?”
“Even with an iron-clad rental agreement for duration, how long does he want to stay there? How does this impact the longer-term financial plans you and your girlfriend have if it’s rent-free?”
“If you do cave to your girlfriend, please make her in charge of it all—when there are complaints, damage, or time for him to move out, if she wants to be that generous, she can handle the terms and enforce them.” ~ RefrigeratorFun4676
The OP provided an update:
“I’ve put my foot down and showed my girlfriend these comments, and she now agrees with me. We’ve told P that we won’t let him stay, nor will we rent to him, and he’s gone mad.”
“He sent messages to my mom, our friends, even my girlfriend’s aunt. Luckily, everyone agrees with us, and last I heard, his sister had checked him into rehab.”
“P, if you ever see this, hope you’re doing better, man.”
Sometimes help can be enabling a person’s destructive choices.
The OP decided this was one of those times.