Everything we learn about a significant other is not always great knowledge.
And it can be shocking when people discover information late in the love game.
That's when compromise is ideally supposed to set in and you have to decide which hill you're willing to die on and try to reach an understanding without hurting one another's feelings.
Case in point...
Redditor Longjumping_Dirt_933 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA For telling my husband it's disgusting he doesn't wipe after going to the bathroom?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For some context, I (39 F[emale]) have a husband who we'll call Adam (37 M[ale]) who is Indian-Saudi Arabian American and this will be relevant later on in the story."
"I am Swedish-American."
"Adam and I got married 7 months ago and we only moved in together after we got married due to Adam's religious reasons."
"Three weeks into our marriage, everything is absolutely flawless."
"Until, this one issue started to appear."
"Adam doesn't use paper after using the bathroom instead he uses water."
"I learned this after I questioned the fact that there was always some water left on the toilet seat after him."
"This argument sounds stupid, but it's genuinely bothering me."
"He explained to me how washing is a lot better and effective than wiping which I can somewhat understand."
"But I told him it's absolutely disgusting to not wipe because I don't wanna sleep next to someone who is unhygienic and Adam does all the grocery shopping so after this he completely stopped buying toilet paper."
"I told him that if he was mad at my comment he could have told me but to stop forcing me into his habits."
"He told me that washing is a norm in India and the Middle East then he shrugged and told me to buy toilet paper with my own money because why would I want his money if he is 'So unhygienic' anyways."
"Which is absolutely ridiculous since Adam is the bread winner and provides for all necessities in the household while I have quit my job to take a break."
"He told his sister about the matter because just a few minutes ago she blasted me on Facebook."
"So, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"YTA. By cleaning with water, he's getting his a** cleaner than is possible wiping with paper."
"If water on the seat is the only reason you realized he washes his a** instead of wiping, all your arguments about hygiene are only founded in your imagination."
"If the fight was about him leaving the seat wet, then you'd have some grounds to complain that he should wipe it dry when he's done."
"He should do that, anyway, nobody wants to sit on a wet seat." ~ xVolta
"No seriously. I went to Bali and Thailand on vacation and got used to washing with water so much more hygienic."
"When I came back to Europe I searched high and low for the perfect bidet because now it's all I'll ever want."
"OP I'm sorry but we're very wrong and if you said what you said and did what you did you were LOUD and WRONG. YTA." ~ Expensive_Fee696
"Definitely better to use water."
"If you got some poop on your hands would you just use some toilet paper to wipe it and go on to eat and do other stuff or would you wash your hands."
"Similarly, do you clean your plates/pots/pans with paper towels and call it a day or wash them properly?" ~ fendoscox
"I guarantee his hoop is pristine, compared to your rusty barking spider, because he washes it, instead of just removing surface 'material' and grinding the rest into his skin."
"Do you 'wipe' your crockery clean, or do you wash it? Which way do you think is cleaner and more hygienic?"
"The only thing you've got a right to be peeved at is the water on the toilet seat. YTA." ~ THE_Barbra_Queen
"YTA. First: this is a practice done in his ethnic and racial background."
"You wouldn't tell a Chinese or Japanese person that they HAVE to keep their shoes on in the house, would you?"
"Second: he only stopped buying toilet paper after you insulted him so your frustration with him no longer buying TP is only happening because you insulted him in the first place."
"Third: he's right and washing is actually better than wiping." ~ StoreyStories
"YTA. A lot of us wash butt then hands after both with soap and think wiping with only paper to smear around is dirty."
"Most of Asia and Europe already on bidet because everyone know it's better."
"Stop being judgemental especially when you are in the wrong."
"And yes, your husband is right, buy your own clean paper."
"If you think he's too dirty for you, don't sleep next to him. Leave." ~ Demoniokitty
"ESH. You were ignorant towards other cultures' habits."
"There is nothing wrong with washing btw, it's as effective as wiping, if not even better."
"So your 'unhygienic' statement is factually wrong."
"He definitely shouldn't have told anybody else about your private dispute and shouldn't have tried to force you into his habits."
"And I think I don't need to talk about his sister shaming you on FB." ~ Bozartkartoffel
"YTA, you accuse him for unhygienic but did you ever consider if bird pooped on your forehead, is it enough to just wipe it?"
"No, so does with your butt, it's better to clean it with water and soap then wash your hands with water and soap too after that."
"But for myself it's better to wipe after clean my butt with water and soap, to dry it."
"He didn't buy the toilet paper because he buy the groceries and provide you with any necessities, and in the end what did you do?"
"Accuse him for being unhygienic." ~ Buttcavetroll
"YTA. It is more hygienic, just because it is culturally different from you doesn't make it 'disgusting.'"
"You're married to this man why would you berate him like this instead of talking if you were so genuinely concerned?"
"You need to mature and inform yourself about other cultures norms." ~ Partial-Stranger
"YTA if the entire subcontinent of India is doing this he's not unhygienic."
"Have you never heard of a bidet?"
"He's getting himself clean. BUT tell him you need toilet paper."
"It's a cultural difference and you should both be allowed to do what you want." ~ GardenDivaESQ
"YTA. It's his hygiene habit. If his butt is clean then who cares?"
"Most of world uses water to wash after number 2 and I think only America and a few others uses paper."
"I think this is just a cultural issue. You need to be more accepting of his culture." ~ Lnghi95
"Was gonna say NAH but honestly ESH."
"As a Middle Easterner who uses water to wash up I always follow up with wiping, as does everyone as far as I know."
"And water is definitely more hygienic than tissues."
"Him not buying toilet paper is lowkey a red flag because he's not even considering your habits and telling you to buy it yourself - this is just toilet paper."
"Also telling his sister and her blasting you off?"
"Huge a**hole move." ~ ontheloosee
"YTA. Your post is dripping with delusions of cultural superiority."
"You claim to 'somewhat understand' but then tell him it's 'absolutely disgusting.' It's not."
"Think about how hairy men are in that area compared to women."
"Then think about how to get all those hairs clean with flimsy dry paper."
"You can't. Water all the way. Install a bidet. Everyone wins." ~ warrinerdot
"Would you rather lick a plate that had s**t on it that had been wiped off with a towel, or one that had been rinsed under water?"
"Whole cultures use water instead of paper- as your husband pointed out to you- but you have decided that whole parts of the world are unhygienic."
"You managed to marry this man without noticing how he wiped his a**, which means he's cleaning himself just fine."
"Oh, and you could go ahead and get a job and get off your 'break' and buy yourself toilet paper."
"That's an easy solution."
"And by the way I'm an American who uses toilet paper and still cannot figure out a bidet in a hotel, so am on team paper for myself." ~ mfruitfly
"YTA - I lived in the Middle East for years, this is 100% a cultural norm over there, and using toilet paper is weird to a lot of people over there."
"Using a bidet is a lot cleaner and more hygienic than just using dry paper."
"Of course he washes his hands after he's done."
"My husband has tried the bidet method when he visited me in the Middle East while we were dating, and he said he felt sooo much cleaner 'down there.'"
"Our western toilets are not set up for this cleaning method, which is why it's not more common in western society." ~ SleepySouthie
"YTA. This is a common practice in many parts of the world, and you're being very ethnocentric and rude in your approach to this."
"Also, since you don't work, why wouldn't you do the grocery shopping and buy your own TP?" ~ Lolka24
Well this was an interesting tale.
It is never easy to discuss hygiene and what happens behind bathroom doors.
It seems Reddit thinks that as long as hubby is clean OP should take a breather.
Hopefully they can clean up this mess together.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.