People are, by and large, social creatures.
We want to be included.
A painful counterpoint to that, of course, is to be excluded.
To not be invited to the party, to not be in on the secret.
What happens when the person excised from the group is the one person the group actually needs? More importantly, how does the outcast deal with that?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) N0theref0rl0ng when she came to the “Am I the A**hole”(AITA) subReddit for guidance.
“AITA for refusing to drive my drunk friends after I wasn’t invited to their party?”
OP began with the background.
“Simple conflict lol, scenario: university students.”
“Some friends of mine used to throw big parties, but when they got too big most people in our shared friend group were uninvited, myself ~sometimes~ included.”
“I didn’t like trying to keep the parties secret from our other friends so I got Really Uninvited.”
“I was upset at first but now I don’t really care, it’s cliche but I have more fun with the Uninvited Squad.”
“However, I’m really close with ‘Rae’ and she knows I’m responsible: when we used to go to parties together I was the food picker-upper.”
Then got right into the problem.
“Last night she crept away from a baking session claiming to be tired and lo and behold wound up at a party at 1 AM, which I found out when she texted me asking if I was sober.”
“I said yes, but refused when Rae asked if I could drive.”
“She replied ‘but we’re drunk and we want food, we’re at Alex’s (party host)’.”
“I told Rae I didn’t feel like picking up food for a party I wasn’t invited to, but that if she needed a walk home or to our housing complex to pick up some crappy campus food I’d drive.”
“But to say so soon cause I was going to bed.”
“Ah, drama: at this point, her boyfriend took her phone (I am told) and texted that it was a dick move to leave my drunk friends and it was my responsibility to make sure they were safe and didn’t die or get arrested.”
“I texted Rae to think ahead next time she went to a party, good night.”
“This morning was sort of tense, I wasn’t angry except for that one text from Boyfriend.”
“Rae came up and said ‘we ended up getting (somebody sober) to get us food,’ and I alluded to the Text.”
“She said her BF texted it, but it sounds like she agrees with him.”
“They’re a little salty I wouldn’t drive.”
OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA for refusing to help them out?”
“I feel like they might be right that I should care for my compromised friends and it was irresponsible of me to be passive, knowing they were drunk and wanted to drive somewhere.”
“However, I’ve been drunk with them before and they’ve always understood not to drive drunk.”
“And I think I don’t owe them because why should I help out their secret parties that I wasn’t invited to?”
They did want to make a few things more clear.
“Oh, also I think this is important information: the place we throw the parties is a 3-minute walk from our housing complex.”
“You can get back and forth easily without driving.”
“Also food delivery services don’t work on our campus.”
Having explained the problem, OP was left seeking guidance.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were very positive.
“You are NTA, at all, and these are not your friends.”
“In fact, Rae’s boyfriend was wrong, you’re the best possible kind of friend: you told them you wouldn’t play delivery driver for them, but if they genuinely needed someone to ensure that they were safe and get them HOME that you would do that.”
“What you wouldn’t do is let them take advantage of you.”
“And you were right.”
“Take it from someone who was in your position at your age, but wasn’t nearly as self-aware or confident as you are and took a lot of years to realize that people like that aren’t friends and aren’t worth it . . .”
“if they don’t value your company ALL the time, including when you’re not doing things for them, and they only (or even mostly) think of you or reach out to you when they want something from you, they don’t care about you no matter what they insist, you’re just a really useful convenience, like Uber, except that you don’t get paid.”
“I’m glad you’ve already figured out that The Uninvited are more valuable friends.”
“Ditch these other ones.”~FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Others were more succinct.
“They’re not your friends. They want free Uber and to make you responsible for all of their actions. Just cut them off.”~ThanosSnapsSlimJims
“NTA – they aren’t your friends.”
“You were a late night foody call.”
“You aren’t a designated driver in this situation. They are trying to manipulate you.”
“Not worth the headache.”~wickedcrazyb*tch
Rae and the other party-goers were not safe from scrutiny.
“Seriously, the nerve of these kids!!”
” ‘It’s YOUR responsibility to deliver us food! You’re such an a**hole for not being a free food delivery driver for a party you weren’t even invited to!’ “
“OP, don’t let their words get to you.”
“They have serious entitlement issues.”
“No matter what they say, it is NOT your responsibility to do anything for them.”
“The fact that they genuinely believe somebody else is responsible for them and that they aren’t responsible for their own selves is alarming.”~Plastic-Technology
“You’re not responsible for getting snacks for someone just because they know you and are drunk.”
“That’s a them problem.”~SnooDonuts8606
OP did return with a final update:
“Edit/update: thank you all for reminding me of my worth lol.”
“I’m re(ass)essing my relationships with Rae and those folks and I think some stuff needs to change.”
“I’ve also noticed some *glorious* karma unfolding so honestly, I might come back with a full-on update.”
“Ty again <3”
People are social creatures.
We love being part of the group.
When the group turns it’s back on us though, it can be important to remember that we are worthwhile on our own.