Everybody wants to be a star.
Or we've all at least thought about what it'd be like once or twice.
Opportunities that can lead down that path are hard to come by.
And when you think you've missed one, you never forget it.
Case in point...
Redditor PangolinNew58 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to uproot my whole family for my daughter's potential career?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter, now 26, has a strength for the performing arts."
"I've always prioritized academia with my children."
"But did allow them to pursue extra curriculars that they were interested in for balance."
"My youngest child chose performance and she excelled."
"At school, she did well."
"B average, though I believe she could have done better if she applied herself."
"When she was 14, a talent scout saw her in a local production and approached me about her going professional."
"For me, it was an immediate no."
"We couldn't make it work."
"It would mean either entrusting our child into the hands of a stranger or one of quitting my excellent job and disrupting my other children for my daughter's maybe career."
"I never denied she was talented and could have gone pro, but it simply wasn't feasible for us to support this."
"So I said no."
"She was very hurt and upset with me, but I did what I had to do."
"At 18, she tried to pursue acting as a career."
"I encouraged her to go to University first so as to have a fall back plan."
"Encouraged, not instructed."
"I spent extra on her to attend in our capital city so she could pursue her interests more seriously outside of studies."
"I did not interfere in her degree choice."
"She chose performing arts."
"She's now working in the gig economy as her industry was wrecked by Covid."
"Auditions are limited and competition is fierce."
"Her siblings chose more lucrative career paths and are comparatively doing better, a sore spot for her."
"She blames me for the state of her life."
"She says that the show she was invited to audition for as a teenager could have made her a big star instead of the girl they went with but I wouldn't let her audition."
"She blames me for not signing her to a guardianship so she could go pursue that career."
"She blames me for not moving my family because I didn't believe in her enough."
"I've tried to explain that child stars/hollywoods treatment of them/unsupervised children with more money than sense was not appealing to me as a parent but she won't hear it."
"She asked if I was at all sorry for ruining her life."
"I said I was sorry she was unhappy and life wasn't going as she wants it to."
"But I'm not sorry for my decisions at the time."
"I had 2 other kids to consider and it was done with her best intention at heart."
"I'm sorry if she resents me for it but I did what I felt was right as her mother."
"She hasn't spoken to me in a month and her siblings tell me she's constantly blaming me for her life."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. Tell her to listen to the stories of the many many child actors who have come forward about their terrible experiences recently."
"You did her a favor."
"Right now she just needs someone to blame for what she feels like is her own personal failure."
"Just be as supportive as you can, it'll get better." ~ salmonberrycreek
"Just tell her to google what happened to every single teen who was on the Disney channel as they got older."
"It’s a smorgasbord of drug addiction, abuse, eating disorders, mental health crises, and early deaths."
"Hillary Duff is the only one who managed to come through it all to a pretty normal adulthood and she’s rather candid about her experiences." ~ i_am_the_ginger
"I'll say something else, too, OP: if she really, really, REALLY wanted to be a performer, nothing could stop her."
"She'd be pursuing it right now."
"She'd be throwing herself wholeheartedly into achieving her dream--she's still only 26 and has decades ahead of her."
"The 'talent scout" only offered an 'audition.'"
"She most likely would never have gotten the part--those parts go to kids who've been acting, first in commercials, then in small parts, since they were toddlers."
"Especially parts for teenagers."
"Check any teen casting and look on IMDB and you'll see they already have a whole list of credits."
"And that's just the credits on IMDB: they've also worked as models in ads and acted in commercials."
"And most 'talent scouts' are scams, where you pay them for 'head shots' and nothing comes of it."
"I wanted to be a writer since I was a kid, and my dad literally forbade me to pursue it."
"He, a professor, also insisted I not only get a college degree, but an advanced degree, and a position as a professor!"
"I had to literally quit a thriving career and finally stand up to my very persuasive and strong minded dad, to start over, to follow my dream, to be a writer, when I was 30."
"I've been a successful writer for decades now."
"I've had a fantastic career and enjoyed every minute of it."
"And honestly it's made me have a more interesting life that I spent my twenties doing something completely different."
"My point is--NOTHING COULD STOP ME!!"
"Your daughter, if she wants to be an actress, will be competing in an ugly, nasty career, with people who are also 'NOTHING CAN STOP ME!!'"
"People who need to act to breathe."
"She'd need that 'nothing can stop me' energy if she really wanted to succeed."
"She'd be doing it despite everything."
"She wouldn't just be blaming you."
"She's got her whole life ahead of her."
"If she really, really 'has it,' nothing can stop her, either." ~ ThaneOfCawdorrr
"And that's assuming she actually got the part."
"She could have just ended up auditioning for roles endlessly without actually getting any."
"Or just ending up as an extra, and OP just breaking even or losing money with the amount of money that they spent on training, head shots, and such, not to mention the cost of uprooting their family."
"And probably living someplace like Los Angeles, which is insanely expensive." ~ Lanky-Temperature412
"NTA She's a grown adult whinging about not getting her way as a teenager."
"I suppose she thought she'd be a big hit and have tons of money to spend on her family who moved their entire lives to allow her to become super famous?"
"She would have paid for siblings to go to whatever school they wanted, parents who would spend their time driving to auditions etc."
"And couldn't work because she was so in demand would get wages from her and houses paid for?"
"Maybe she should consider being a writer because she certainly has a talent for fiction."
"If she was that amazing, we would all know her name by now because even at 26 such fantastic talent would have been picked up at all these auditions I am sure she is doing?"
"Don't entertain anymore wallowing from her. It's time she moved on." ~ International-Fee255
"It's never too late to start your dream career and if you have the talent you can work towards making it reality."
"My sister started acting as an adult because it had been her dream as a teen but life had been too rough to try back then."
"She did this on her own."
"My parents had kicked her out at 16."
"She married young and had kids young."
"She got her GED and a job to survive."
"And then after raising her kids to adulthood she decided she wanted to try acting as a hobby."
"It started small as extras."
"And supporting rolls in small series."
"And now she's been in 3 or 4 movies that are pretty good."
"One won a film festival and another is on Amazon."
"And she does commercials for big companies. Heck."
"She mentioned recently the self done things are a bigger hit since COVID happened."
"Tiktok celebs doing stuff for brands rather than huge production crews."
"Don't feel bad, OP. You're a better parent than some." ~ PolyPolyam
"NTA. You made the choice you felt was better for her long-term and that made more sense for your family financially."
"She might have been a big star if you let her go."
"She might also have hit the same talent-saturated walls that she is hitting now anyway."
"I don't fault you for your decision, even if you do come off a tad condescending towards the arts."
"That being said, there is not much you can do about her blaming you."
"You have already made the motive behind your decision clear, which is really all there is for you to do." ~ Legally_Screwy
OP, Reddit understands your choices.
You had to juggle a lot of options.
Hopefully your daughter will understand she still has time to go for it.
it's on her now.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp