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Mom-To-Be Upset After Spouse Tells MIL She’s Pregnant Without Permission After Miscarriage

Photo of happy mid adult pregnant woman relaxing at home and looking at her future baby.

Announcing the birth of a baby is meant to be joyous and exciting.

But these moments do come with their stresses.

Sometimes parents want to play it safe and wait for a certain time in the pregnancy to tell everyone.

Others want to shout it from the rooftops immediately.

There is no perfect way, but parents really should be on the same page about how and when they’ll tell.

Case in point…

Redditor Key-Producer2984 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

They asked:

“AITA for telling my mom that my wife is pregnant?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“A few days ago my wife (28) and I (30) found out that she’s pregnant.”

“We had been trying for about a year after she had experienced a miscarriage of a pregnancy that we hadn’t planned.”

“We are both obviously super happy and excited to become parents.”

“So yesterday I went out to lunch with my mom and I told her the news, to which she was thrilled for my wife and I.”

“I didn’t think anything of it until I told my wife that I told my mom and she was immediately upset with me.”

“She said that she wasn’t ready for people to know given how her last pregnancy ended.”

“She said that now because my mom knows that she is pregnant, she’s now going to know if something goes wrong, and she’s not comfortable with that.”

“When I asked her why that is such a big deal all she could say was ‘it just is’ and that I wouldn’t understand.”

“In my defense, it’s not just her news to share, it’s OURS and I feel like it was completely reasonable to tell my mom as she is an immediate family member who I am very close with.”

“I also know for a fact she already told her sister so I just don’t see how me telling my mom is a problem.”

“She also never communicated to me that she wanted me to keep the news to myself.”

“A day later and she’s still very much so mad at me.”

“I am getting the silent treatment and she avoids me like I am the one who did something bad.”

“Again, I really don’t think I did anything wrong here.”

“While I understand that it’s her body I think it’s unfair that she can tell her support system but I’m not allowed to tell mine.”

The OP was left to wonder,

“So AITA?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.

“Soft YTA. First–wishing you a healthy full-term pregnancy, and I am very sorry for your earlier loss.”

“But while it is your shared news, you are not the one who is currently watching their body like a hawk for signs of anything amiss.”

“You aren’t the one whose body is now responsible for this new little life and you aren’t the one whose hormones will be swinging wildly.”

“Has her sister had children?”

“She probably wants someone to text every little ache and pain to who can talk her off the ledge, especially during the early days, so that she doesn’t start Googling and freak herself out.”

“She does need a support system, and that isn’t saying you don’t–but you should have cleared it with her.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want your mom specifically to know, but your best friend or brother would have been fine.” ~ duchessofsuccess

“This! Our first pregnancy we just told everyone over social media, but with this current pregnancy we decided to hold off and no one knew till we finished the first trimester (we’re almost done with the second trimester).”

“OP I get you were excited to tell your mom, my husband was excited to tell his dad but he asked since I have severe P[ost] P[artum] A[nxiety].”

“Shared news is exactly that – shared. Soft YTA.” ~ Waste_Public_9374

“This will be the moment that she’ll look back on if they have another child.”

“She may just not tell you right away, OP, next time.”

“Because you can’t be trusted.” ~ WholeSilent8317

“Exactly, telling his mom is a much bigger deal because that is her potential grandchild.”

“She is over the moon with excitement and the pregnancy was just discovered a few days ago.”

“Most ppl wait until they pass the first trimester to tell anyone other than close ppl they trust who aren’t as invested/won’t be as devastated if the pregnancy turns out to not be viable.”

“Before the first trimester is the danger zone and it’s not time for celebration.”

“I don’t know how the first miscarriage didn’t come to mind for you in this.”

“You realize your mother’s relationship with your wife may be affected by this if she loses her grandchild?”

“Even tho it’s only a clump of cells right now, right?” ~ Fuzzy-Boss-4815

“It’s very common for couples to tell immediate family members like parents about pregnancy because they’re usually the people you trust to tell if something goes wrong but it’s also common to not to do that because you prefer the privacy and intimacy of starting your family.”

“OP and wife only found out a few DAYS ago.”

“Some people tell their family the same as everyone else after the first trimester when everything is safe.”

“But a lot of people dream of telling parents and in-laws the big news.”

“Seeing their excited reaction, getting hugged, all those videos online you see, etc.”

“I’d be really unhappy if my partner just told me my mom at lunch without me there.” ~ Dr_Fluffybuns2

“The problem is that while I agree she has greater say, she DIDN’T say.”

“She told her sister and expected her husband to read her mind and know he couldn’t tell his family.”

“I would think if she’s openly telling people that means people can be told.”

“It’s fine if that’s not what it means but it needs to be clarified.”

“It is really weird to me though that neither of them broached the subject of when to tell people.”

“I thought that’s one of the first things you talk about when you find out you’re pregnant?”

“They both need to work on communication before the kid comes.”

“Freezing out your partner over miscommunication is horrible.” ~ Nymzie

“Yeah, it’s really about the communication.”

“They should have discussed when/who/how they’d share the news.”

“Go to wife and say, ‘I wasn’t aware you wanted to keep it private, and since you had told your sister it seemed okay to each tell our own important people.'”

“‘I understand now you wanted differently.'”

“‘I feel like I would want my mother’s support in case something were to happen.'”

“‘I can’t undo telling her, but certainly can ask that this be kept private or even that she does not ask you about it until it’s made public.'”

“But though you are both involved in this, always remember that her privacy and her body autonomy is what is at stake here as well. Not yours.”

“Respect her opinions first, and she will/should respect yours in turn.”

“Because you love each other.”

“What’s done is done, now work on moving forward.”

“And communicating better.” ~ believehype1616

“It’s a thing that most couples plan together.”

“A lot of couples like to tell family together so they can see their reaction.”

“There’s a whole media trope about giving gifts to family to reveal the baby.”

“Sometimes they wait extra long because they’re nervous about miscarriage.”

“I think the problem is that you didn’t do the emotional labor upfront of thinking, ‘let me put myself in my wife’s shoes and think about how she might want me to handle this’ and realizing that there was enough ambiguity to warrant a conversation.”

“Just because you handled it one way the last time doesn’t mean this time is going to be the same.”

“Also, your wife telling her sister (most likely her emotional support system who is most likely to hear a lot about your wife’s anxieties in what will certainly be a stressful pregnancy for her) is not the same as telling her M[other] I[n] L[aw].”

“Could she have been more explicit about not sharing this information? Sure.”

“But it’s a recognized understanding that most couples tell family together, and in general, your wife should be taking the lead on a lot of decision-making right now.”

“I’m worried that you two don’t have the proper communication skills or understanding of one another to collaborate as partners in this next phase of your journey together.”

“The fact that you’re doubling down on this instead of doing what you can to mitigate the effects of you’re actions or trying to be understanding makes YTA.” ~ _cryborg

“OP is like the chicken in a ham and egg breakfast – he has an interest.”

“His wife is like the pig – she’s committed.”

“The situations are not symmetrical.”

“It ain’t his body, he’s not pregnant.”

“He’s an onlooker, his wife, however, is on the field.”

“She calls the shots. Not OP. Period.” ~ Boeing367-80

OP came back to chat…

“After typing this all out and coming back and reading it again I realized that I sound like a d**k and apologized to her.”

“She accepted my apology, and we made up and got sushi.”

“Thank you, Reddit for helping me realize I was in the wrong… lol.”

“Another edit since this I’ve noticed a trend…”

“My wife did not have raw fish sushi, she had a California roll with imitation crab, which is perfectly fine from everything we read.”

Well, OP, Reddit had some serious thoughts on this matter.

Glad you came to an understanding with the situation.

Sounds like you and the wife should have a long conversation about clear communication.

This will save a lot of unnecessary drama in the future.

Good luck and congratulations.