Part of having a partner is involving them in your life decisions. So, when we don’t include them in a choice it might feel like we’re not taking them into consideration.
Redditor throwRA_25221 encountered this very issue with his S.O.. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for purchasing my own apartment without consulting my partner?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained.
“For background, I (28M), have been working in investment banking for the last six years in a bulge bracket bank in New York. I am not an American citizen by birth, but I have been in the country for a decade, while my partner is an American citizen by birth.”
“I just recently completed the naturalization process not too long ago, and decided to purchase a new apartment in my own name as a sort of ‘completion gift’ to myself.”
“I managed to pay 80% of the cost up front due to one of my deferred compensation plans paying out recently, and I would be paying off the remainder over the next three years.”
OP explained financial dynamics in his relationship.
“Me and my partner have split finances, so this financial obligation really only affects me.”
“She found out about it not too long ago when I received a few documents in the mail and left on my desk. For reference, I have already moved in to my new place which she has been aware of.”
“After finding out, she got angry at me for not consulting her about my choice to purchase my own place.”
“AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“If you don’t live together or not engaged, NTA. BUT it is kind of weird to do such a major thing and not at least mention it to your partner. I can see how she’d be mad. Kind of sends a message that you don’t really consider her to be your partner.” ~ Sinsoftheflesh7
OP replied.
“I mentioned that I was getting my own place, but I think I f*cked up when I didn’t elaborate that by getting my own place I meant that I was purchasing my own home.” ~ throwRA_25221
Redditors were confused about the timeline.
“First, congrats on the new place!”
“Second, how long have you been with your partner? If it’s not long enough to be serious, then NTA. If you’re pretty serious, then kind of YTA because you’re basically implied that you don’t have a future together. And yeah, when you’re young and living in an expensive place, getting your own place usually means renting.”
“You might be able to salvage the situation if you tell her that it’s an investment choice and that it’ll turn into a rental property if you two get your own place later on.” ~ BazlarTheGnome
“If they planed on moving in he basically chose their future home without consulting her so I would say that’s a YTA move.” ~ Creative-Training175
OP responded.
“The moving in discussion happened after I moved to my new place, in which the plans more solidified as ‘once all of this is stable, we can move in together’, as opposed to ‘we’ll move in eventually if and when it happens.'”
“To note, I’ve been living with a roommate for the last five years in a small two bed, while she has been living with her parents.” ~ throwRA_25221
“Can you shed a little light on the timeline? Am I correct that she found out you had bought your place instead of renting after you had the move-in discussion?”
“Did you discuss any finances at that point or was it more just a vague discussion of what you would like to do at some nebulous point in the future?”
“I’m kind of leaning NAH because I can’t necessarily blame her for being miffed she wasn’t told- it does seem a little weird not to mention it and I can understand if she has concerns about what things will look like financially if you own the place you’re both living in.”
“Sounds like a situation that just merits more discussion about what your and her expectations are.” ~ murdocjones
“Before I purchased the place and before I got naturalized, the understanding on the moving in was ‘we’ll move in when the situation allows,’ being that I was living in a two bed with a roommate, and she was living with her parents.”
“Come the naturalization, and the following purchase and move in by me, we had a conversation about living together, which came to an understanding of ‘once the situation allows us to get a live in carer for her parents, we will live together in the apartment I just moved in to.'”
“She found out that I owned the apartment after the conversation. In all truth I assumed that she knew that I purchased the apartment, as I told her that I was ‘getting my own place,’ which to me meant that I would own it.”
“Turns out that to most people in America, and to her, it meant that I was just moving to a place where I don’t have any roommates.” ~ throwRA_25221
Some Redditors encouraged OP to be more mindful.
“I agree with this. OP is on shaky ground here, relationship-wise. They may not be T A, but if I were the partner I would feel some level of mistrust after this.”
“OP is not including the partner in major life decisions, which to me would be a red flag for the future, given that they have discussed moving in together.”
“Like, I would suspect that OP deliberately did this behind the partner’s back, in order to manipulate the partner into moving into the accommodations of OP’s choice.”
“However it is an interesting moral question because I can’t quite bring myself to say that OP is TA.” ~ TIL_eulenspiegel
“It’s kind of weird to not chat about that stuff though naturally when you talk about your day. I’m just casually seeing someone and I was telling him my dilemma of going for one property which is cheaper compared to another which is more expensive.”
“I feel like when you’re house hunting that occupies a lot of space in your mind so to not share any of that implies that you maybe like to compartmentalize the different sections of your life.” ~ Fantastic_Park
Like in most arguments, communication is the solution.