A lot of people have very specific dietary restrictions.
Some are a lifestyle choice, some are a health necessity.
So to make things easier and to be conscientious, people will bring their own meals.
This doesn’t always go over well.
For example…
Redditor Dead_Huntsman wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for bringing my own vegan food to the BBQ?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I (25 F[emale]) have been vegan for about 3 years now.”
“My family knows this, and while they don’t always get it, they’ve mostly been respectful.”
“Last weekend, my uncle hosted a big family BBQ.”
“I asked ahead of time if there would be any vegan options.”
“He kind of laughed it off and said, ‘There’ll be salad.’”
“Not wanting to make a fuss, I brought my own prepped vegan burger and some sides.”
“I even brought enough to share in case anyone wanted to try it.”
“I didn’t ask anyone to cook it for me, I grilled it myself on a clean bit of the BBQ and didn’t touch any of the meat.”
“Apparently, this was extremely offensive.”
“Later that night, my aunt told me that I had embarrassed my uncle by acting like his food wasn’t good enough.”
“She said it was rude to bring my own food and made it seem like I was too good for everyone else’s cooking.”
“I told her I just didn’t want to be left out and was trying to be polite about it.”
“I even tried to offer people some of what I brought.”
“However, now several family members are giving me the cold shoulder and saying I’m being dramatic.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not just eating the salad and quietly going along with it?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“What’s really offensive is making guests feel unwelcome by only making foods they can’t or won’t eat.”
“If I’m having people over, I make sure I know their dietary restrictions so I can be properly hospitable.”
“Your aunt and uncle are rude.” ~ Several_Razzmatazz51
“While I agree, I’ll add that there are some dietary restrictions you may be better off not trying to accommodate because you could inadvertently make someone sick by being too confident in your ability to keep them safe.”
“I’ve never made anyone sick, but I did have a woman with celiac disease tell me years ago to stop offering to cook something special for her at a party because I could not know enough to account for what was in every ingredient, and there was no way that my kitchen wasn’t contaminated.”
“I’m a s**t cook anyway, so she wasn’t missing out.”
“Now I only ever offer store-bought GF-free stuff to people with celiac disease and make sure they feel comfortable bringing whatever else they want.”
“My boss has it and also explicitly tells people not to worry about her for office parties, and she brings or orders her own separate meals.”
“So yeah, I try to always ask people if I can cook/buy them something special or if they’d rather bring their own.” ~ REDDIT
“This This This until the end of time.”
“Serious medical conditions like Celiac or Diabetes and food allergies have to be handled so carefully.”
“I’m always hyper vigilant about my allergy and will make the special requests I need to when we go out (a table away from the kitchen or outside even if we’re at a place that serves fish, an serious and repeated note to the server that I have an allergy if it’s all over the menu and I have to remove it from my order, etc).”
“My [In-[Laws] try their very best, and my FIL made the call when we went on vacation to not have any fish in the condo at all, he did a shellfish-only broil instead, and nobody even knew the difference.”
“But I always have a backup plan in case there’s nothing I can eat.”
“A box of granola bars in my center console, if I need something, or just sticking to sides or water are my go-to.”
“I always hate these posts where people are shamed for bringing their own food when they’ve got a dietary restriction.”
“I’ve had reactions bc someone didn’t clean something well enough and had cooked an allergen in it.”
“Cast-iron pans are the worst for this! OP will always be NTA in my book, although I might have cooked it ahead of time instead of using their grill, but that’s just me and my anxiety.” ~ FlamingFeathers98
“I am in a couple of smoking/BBQ FB groups, so I can keep up with good recipes and techniques.”
“The number of people who post about vegans and vegetarians like it’s some sort of affront to humanity is insane.”
“They also make it very clear they won’t be accommodating.”
“So I can completely understand why OP would bring their own food to begin with.”
“I’m also curious to know if the uncle had anything other than salad.”
“I feel like I know the answer, though.” ~ samosa4me
“NTA, and I wouldn’t go to any future events that they host.”
“It’s unbelievably rude to not accommodate a guest’s dietary needs AND THEN chastise them for bringing their own food.”
“My guess is that they aren’t actually offended because you brought your own food – they are being hostile to you because you are vegan.”
“Unfortunately, that’s not an uncommon attitude.” ~ Gold-Flaked-Paint
“I agree with this 100%.”
“It was absolutely because OP is vegan.”
“I went to a BBQ a few years ago, told the host that I would bring my own food as I didn’t want them to have to accommodate my dietary preferences and restrictions (vegan with a bunch of food allergies, including mushrooms, which are a fairly common vegan substitution).”
“The host said thanks when I told him and seemed relieved.”
“At the BBQ, his wife pulled me aside and said that it was rude to bring my own food, and ‘why can’t I eat like a normal person?'”
“There are lots of people who are put off just because someone chooses a plant-based diet.”
“Keep in mind that when I host, I serve both vegan and omnivorous options because my SO eats meat, and I don’t want anyone to feel left out.”
“Also, it’s my place to judge anyone else’s dietary choices.” ~ RandoGenericUserName
“Agreed. Your family painted you into a lose-lose situation.”
“If you’d brought nothing, accepting the salad as your only option, and then found the salad was made with cheese all over it, you would have been treated the same because you ate nothing (or made a ketchup and relish sandwich with a burger bun).”
“Your uncle is an ungracious host and your family is hostile.” ~ martafoz
“NTA. They wanted you to eat meat or go hungry politely.”
“You politely brought your own food instead when it was clear they had no intentions of accommodating you.”
“You ruined their plans to be able to tease or make fun of you eating a sad salad or choking down a burger.”
“You also made it clear that they are the kinds of AHs who treat their guests badly.”
“That’s what they’re upset about.” ~ TheRoadkillRapunzel
“If OP has been vegan for three years, eating a meat burger isn’t really an option, as IIRC people’s digestive system won’t do well with meat if they haven’t eaten any in a long time. NTA.” ~ Sufficient_Most_9713
“Every single cultural rule regarding hospitality I’ve ever seen puts most of the obligation for hospitality on the host, with the guest’s main obligations being courtesy and respect for their host.”
“Refusing to accommodate dietary restrictions, in and of itself, isn’t always inhospitable behavior – as others have stated here.”
“Some restrictions simply cannot be safely accommodated by someone who lacks proper food safety training – but mocking the person over it, and being pissy that they managed to circumvent the intended abuse, makes it clear that inhospitability was the goal in this case.”
“NTA, and 100% agree that OP should make it clear what an ungracious host the uncle is.” ~ MagnusStormraven
“NTA. They presumably know you’re vegan, you didn’t ask them to make anything special for you, and you brought something so you could eat BBQ vegan style with everyone else.”
“They need to chill out.” ~ Equivalent_Secret_26
“100% this.”
“NTA and your family are just miserable people. Sorry.”
“P.S. I have a good friend who is vegetarian, and she turns up to every barbecue she’s invited to with a veggie burger in a Tupperware.”
“If she discovers the host has catered for her, she is delighted, and the burger stays packed.”
“But like you – she just doesn’t wanna get left out.”
“Your uncle already told you you were going to be left out, so I’m not sure why he’s so shocked.” ~ m_arabsky
“Absolutely NTA!”
“I’m frankly pretty shocked at how you were treated – after they have known you are vegan for three years?!?”
“That’s just inexcusably disrespectful.” ~ kathop8
“NTA. It’s as if they are too stupid to even get what vegan is.”
“I bet dollars to donuts if you had a vegan BBQ, they’d lose their s**t on your food.”
“But they take you quietly, bringing a vegan burger as an insult.” ~ fast-and-ugly
“What a friggen baby your uncle is that made my stomach hurt.”
“You did exactly what you’re supposed to do as someone with dietary restrictions.”
“Your uncle is ridiculous, and your aunt is coddling him.”
“How on EARTH are you the one being dramatic here?”
“NTA! They are!” ~ iraven_mccoy
“NTA… what else were you supposed to do?”
“My nephew is vegan, and he does the same.”
“Brings his own food or cooks himself as needed.”
“No one has a problem with it.” ~ Possible_Emergency_9
Reddit is with you, OP.
You had no malicious intentions.
And you gotta eat.
Your Uncle can work through his own feelings.
You did what you needed to do.
You even offered to share.
Enjoy your meals.