A lot of people have very specific dietary restrictions.
Some are a lifestyle choice, some are a health necessity.
So to make things easier and to be conscientious, people will bring their own meals.
This doesn't always go over well.
For example...
Redditor Dead_Huntsman wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for bringing my own vegan food to the BBQ?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (25 F[emale]) have been vegan for about 3 years now."
"My family knows this, and while they don't always get it, they've mostly been respectful."
"Last weekend, my uncle hosted a big family BBQ."
"I asked ahead of time if there would be any vegan options."
"He kind of laughed it off and said, 'There'll be salad.'"
"Not wanting to make a fuss, I brought my own prepped vegan burger and some sides."
"I even brought enough to share in case anyone wanted to try it."
"I didn't ask anyone to cook it for me, I grilled it myself on a clean bit of the BBQ and didn't touch any of the meat."
"Apparently, this was extremely offensive."
"Later that night, my aunt told me that I had embarrassed my uncle by acting like his food wasn't good enough."
"She said it was rude to bring my own food and made it seem like I was too good for everyone else's cooking."
"I told her I just didn't want to be left out and was trying to be polite about it."
"I even tried to offer people some of what I brought."
"However, now several family members are giving me the cold shoulder and saying I'm being dramatic."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not just eating the salad and quietly going along with it?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"What's really offensive is making guests feel unwelcome by only making foods they can't or won't eat."
"If I'm having people over, I make sure I know their dietary restrictions so I can be properly hospitable."
"Your aunt and uncle are rude." ~ Several_Razzmatazz51
"While I agree, I'll add that there are some dietary restrictions you may be better off not trying to accommodate because you could inadvertently make someone sick by being too confident in your ability to keep them safe."
"I've never made anyone sick, but I did have a woman with celiac disease tell me years ago to stop offering to cook something special for her at a party because I could not know enough to account for what was in every ingredient, and there was no way that my kitchen wasn't contaminated."
"I'm a s**t cook anyway, so she wasn't missing out."
"Now I only ever offer store-bought GF-free stuff to people with celiac disease and make sure they feel comfortable bringing whatever else they want."
"My boss has it and also explicitly tells people not to worry about her for office parties, and she brings or orders her own separate meals."
"So yeah, I try to always ask people if I can cook/buy them something special or if they'd rather bring their own." ~ REDDIT
"This This This until the end of time."
"Serious medical conditions like Celiac or Diabetes and food allergies have to be handled so carefully."
"I'm always hyper vigilant about my allergy and will make the special requests I need to when we go out (a table away from the kitchen or outside even if we're at a place that serves fish, an serious and repeated note to the server that I have an allergy if it's all over the menu and I have to remove it from my order, etc)."
"My [In-[Laws] try their very best, and my FIL made the call when we went on vacation to not have any fish in the condo at all, he did a shellfish-only broil instead, and nobody even knew the difference."
"But I always have a backup plan in case there's nothing I can eat."
"A box of granola bars in my center console, if I need something, or just sticking to sides or water are my go-to."
"I always hate these posts where people are shamed for bringing their own food when they've got a dietary restriction."
"I've had reactions bc someone didn't clean something well enough and had cooked an allergen in it."
"Cast-iron pans are the worst for this! OP will always be NTA in my book, although I might have cooked it ahead of time instead of using their grill, but that's just me and my anxiety." ~ FlamingFeathers98
"I am in a couple of smoking/BBQ FB groups, so I can keep up with good recipes and techniques."
"The number of people who post about vegans and vegetarians like it's some sort of affront to humanity is insane."
"They also make it very clear they won't be accommodating."
"So I can completely understand why OP would bring their own food to begin with."
"I'm also curious to know if the uncle had anything other than salad."
"I feel like I know the answer, though." ~ samosa4me
"NTA, and I wouldn't go to any future events that they host."
"It's unbelievably rude to not accommodate a guest's dietary needs AND THEN chastise them for bringing their own food."
"My guess is that they aren't actually offended because you brought your own food - they are being hostile to you because you are vegan."
"Unfortunately, that's not an uncommon attitude." ~ Gold-Flaked-Paint
"I agree with this 100%."
"It was absolutely because OP is vegan."
"I went to a BBQ a few years ago, told the host that I would bring my own food as I didn't want them to have to accommodate my dietary preferences and restrictions (vegan with a bunch of food allergies, including mushrooms, which are a fairly common vegan substitution)."
"The host said thanks when I told him and seemed relieved."
"At the BBQ, his wife pulled me aside and said that it was rude to bring my own food, and 'why can't I eat like a normal person?'"
"There are lots of people who are put off just because someone chooses a plant-based diet."
"Keep in mind that when I host, I serve both vegan and omnivorous options because my SO eats meat, and I don't want anyone to feel left out."
"Also, it's my place to judge anyone else's dietary choices." ~ RandoGenericUserName
"Agreed. Your family painted you into a lose-lose situation."
"If you'd brought nothing, accepting the salad as your only option, and then found the salad was made with cheese all over it, you would have been treated the same because you ate nothing (or made a ketchup and relish sandwich with a burger bun)."
"Your uncle is an ungracious host and your family is hostile." ~ martafoz
"NTA. They wanted you to eat meat or go hungry politely."
"You politely brought your own food instead when it was clear they had no intentions of accommodating you."
"You ruined their plans to be able to tease or make fun of you eating a sad salad or choking down a burger."
"You also made it clear that they are the kinds of AHs who treat their guests badly."
"That's what they're upset about." ~ TheRoadkillRapunzel
"If OP has been vegan for three years, eating a meat burger isn't really an option, as IIRC people's digestive system won't do well with meat if they haven't eaten any in a long time. NTA." ~ Sufficient_Most_9713
"Every single cultural rule regarding hospitality I've ever seen puts most of the obligation for hospitality on the host, with the guest's main obligations being courtesy and respect for their host."
"Refusing to accommodate dietary restrictions, in and of itself, isn't always inhospitable behavior - as others have stated here."
"Some restrictions simply cannot be safely accommodated by someone who lacks proper food safety training - but mocking the person over it, and being pissy that they managed to circumvent the intended abuse, makes it clear that inhospitability was the goal in this case."
"NTA, and 100% agree that OP should make it clear what an ungracious host the uncle is." ~ MagnusStormraven
"NTA. They presumably know you're vegan, you didn't ask them to make anything special for you, and you brought something so you could eat BBQ vegan style with everyone else."
"They need to chill out." ~ Equivalent_Secret_26
"100% this."
"NTA and your family are just miserable people. Sorry."
"P.S. I have a good friend who is vegetarian, and she turns up to every barbecue she's invited to with a veggie burger in a Tupperware."
"If she discovers the host has catered for her, she is delighted, and the burger stays packed."
"But like you – she just doesn't wanna get left out."
"Your uncle already told you you were going to be left out, so I'm not sure why he's so shocked." ~ m_arabsky
"Absolutely NTA!"
"I'm frankly pretty shocked at how you were treated - after they have known you are vegan for three years?!?"
"That's just inexcusably disrespectful." ~ kathop8
"NTA. It's as if they are too stupid to even get what vegan is."
"I bet dollars to donuts if you had a vegan BBQ, they'd lose their s**t on your food."
"But they take you quietly, bringing a vegan burger as an insult." ~ fast-and-ugly
"What a friggen baby your uncle is that made my stomach hurt."
"You did exactly what you're supposed to do as someone with dietary restrictions."
"Your uncle is ridiculous, and your aunt is coddling him."
"How on EARTH are you the one being dramatic here?"
"NTA! They are!" ~ iraven_mccoy
"NTA... what else were you supposed to do?"
"My nephew is vegan, and he does the same."
"Brings his own food or cooks himself as needed."
"No one has a problem with it." ~ Possible_Emergency_9
Reddit is with you, OP.
You had no malicious intentions.
And you gotta eat.
Your Uncle can work through his own feelings.
You did what you needed to do.
You even offered to share.
Enjoy your meals.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp