In this day and age, people often make themselves very accessible and easy to find.
People are constantly checking-in to places when traveling.
Everyone wants everyone to know where they are.
Tons of people sign up for tracking apps.
This sort of accessibility doesn't sit well with everyone, though.
Redditor Few_Respond8063 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my wife I don't want her mom to have her location all the time now?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife shares her location with her family, and sometimes her friends."
"I really never thought much about it."
"I don't share my location with her, which she has never liked. "
"I personally don't like it, freaks me out to be tracked 24/7."
"The issue was earlier this week."
"I needed surgery, and I wanted to keep everything private."
"I didn't even tell my own mom and dad."
"My wife agreed not to share with anyone either."
"It was on Monday, and everything went overall well until my wife's mother showed up."
"She apparently noticed my wife was at the hospital, and when she didn't pick up, she came down."
"She thought my wife was hurt."
"It became a big thing, and basically everyone on my wife's side was told that someone was in the hospital."
"My own mom and dad were contracted, and I had to explain the situation."
"I hated this."
"It is clear to me that if my wife is tracked 24/7, then I am being tracked."
"I hate that this whole situation got out because people know my wife's location."
"My wife and I got into an argument, and I don't want her sharing her location anymore with her mother or family 24/7."
"She is calling me controlling and a d**k."
"I am pointing out it is invading my own privacy… and she needs to cut the strings on her mom."
Since people have asked... Mom said it on the app, then called my wife (who didn't answer), and then about an hour later showed up at the hospital."
"Right after I was done with surgery."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that everyone involved was NOT the a**hole.
"Weird that she thinks you're controlling, but not her family, who apparently NEED to know where she is every minute. NTA." ~ Trishanamarandu
"And she can't see it's weird that they are actually checking her location on a daily basis rather than in an emergency."
"Then, making an emergency out of nothing." ~ TheNinjaPixie
"I made the mistake of ONE TIME sharing my location with my parents when I made the 3-hour drive home from their house because I was sick of getting calls and texts 2hours and 55 minutes later asking... 'ARE YOU HOME YET?"
"'ARE YOU HOME?'"
"'WHERE ARE YOU?'"
"I shared my location so I didn't have to deal with them after a long drive."
"My parents are super controlling, and it's given me a lot of issues around privacy and feeling monitored."
"They watched my location the entire time like it was a f**king TV show."
"Every little movement."
"I got a call when I got off the highway at one point to get gas... 'WHY DID YOU GET OFF THE HIGHWAY?!'"
"When I was parked at a rest stop because I wanted to sit down and get some food... 'YOU'VE BEEN SITTING FOR A LONG TIME. WHAT'S WRONG IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR CAR?!?!??????'"
"When I took a different route than they did because it's what the GPS gave me."
"I am nearly 40 years old."
"Now they get upset that I don't share it, but I told them that until they can learn to be responsible and handle their own feelings, then they don't get to see my location."
"I will text them when I am home, which may be 3 hours or it could be 5 or more, depending on what I want to do, because I am an adult."
"I don't need to tell them I stopped for groceries or lunch or anything else, and they can just deal with it." ~ EpiJade
"NTA. Maybe it's a generational thing, but I find the whole location tracking thing really invasive, and I am flabbergasted that people don't mind it."
"It's not about having something to hide, it's about respecting people's privacy and not wanting to have Big Brother watching you every second of the day."
"ETA: to all the people commenting about big brother is already watching."
"Yes, obviously, we live in a dystopian society where we're being monitored by our tech overlords."
"There's a difference between the existential threat of the government or companies being able to monitor my whereabouts, versus actual people that you know, like your M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] stalking your location."
"Just because one potential violation exists doesn't mean we have to accept the other, particularly when there's only one of them that we have real control over." ~ fauxrain
"Generational and situational, in my opinion."
"There are families, such as mine, who used it as a safety if one of us suddenly stopped communicating and became unreachable without warning."
"For a good while, when I struck out on my own, my folks had access to my location via Find My Friends."
"If they snooped on me, I never knew it, as I was NEVER questioned or judged about where I went at any given moment."
"We still use it today, though it's more manual since now it's a mix of Android and iPhone users."
"When I travel, I send a share link to people just in case something happens."
"If anyone ever used that to interrogate me or someone I was with about where I was, I'd stop using it."
"That's an overreach." ~ devsfan1830
"Yeah — I live alone and have no one who regularly checks in on me."
"I share my location with my 3 best friends and my dad, only one of them is in close proximity to me."
"But we all opted to do this naturally — there was no big discussion."
"I think we all shared our locations once and never turned them back off."
"But I do have a horror story about tracking friends: this happened to friends of a friend, they were waiting for a buddy to come over and watch a movie."
"All of a sudden, they saw a post in a neighborhood page about a tree falling on a car, killing the driver."
"The friends had a bad feeling, so they checked on the location of their friend they were waiting for."
"The friend's phone said he was at the morgue, and that's how they found their friend had died."
"I think that story is a morbid reason why I keep my location on, but it equally could be a reason not to keep it on." ~ mastifftimetraveler
"I think it's a person-by-person thing and how those with access use it."
"My husband and I have each other's location, but I might check his once or twice a week if I'm trying to time something for when he is getting home, or check if he has left the store yet, or whatever."
"I have no idea how often he checks mine, but he doesn't bring it up, so I am assuming it is something similar."
"So for us, it's not a big deal because it doesn't feel invasive or like we are constantly checking on each other."
"If my husband messaged me every time I left the house (I work from home) or otherwise demonstrated he was checking it all the time, it would be turned off in a heartbeat." ~ bug1402
"NTA. You didnʻt make a big deal out of the location tracking until her family made it into a big deal!"
"Her mom tracked you two down at the hospital and told the whole extended family, including 'your' parents, that you were in the hospital. WTF!"
"That is a ridiculous invasion of your privacy."
"Maybe thereʻs a compromise position where your wife turns on location tracking only when she leaves the house alone."
"But Iʻm really not sure why she thinks everyone needs to know her location all the time in the first place."
"Sheʻs not a teenager anymore (I assume)." ~ NapalmAxolotl
"NTA. They are not sharing locations theoretically for safety; her mom actually checked her location without reason and invaded your privacy."
"This is not a safety measure; it's a spying and controlling device on her mom's part." ~ lellyla
"NTA, but the issue isn't really the location sharing .its the almost stalker behavior of her mother."
"We have location sharing on for our family, but it's almost never looked at, and when it is, 9 times out of 10 it's because we were all getting together to do something and someone is late."
"Someone would check to see how far out the person is."
"At a minimum, your wife needs to turn off location sharing when you guys are doing something together."
"If her mother fusses, then she needs to be told that's a consequence of showing up to the hospital and then blabbing to everyone." ~ Outside_Holiday_9997
"NTA. Now that it's the two of you, you both need to prioritize the family you've made, not the family from whence you came."
"If you are not comfortable with being tracked via proximity to your wife, then she needs to stop the tracking when you are together."
"She's welcome to resume when she is by herself."
"This whole thing is really weird to me - why do grown adults need to share their location with other grown adults constantly?"
"I don't get it." ~ your-mom04605
"Yeah, creepy."
"Personally, I think all location sharing is weird, but if it was just that, I'd say it's your wife's call."
"But it's being abused, and it's affecting you at this point. NTA." ~ ConflictGullible392
Reddit agrees with you, OP.
This is a blatant invasion of your privacy.
You don't want to be tracked.
You have every right to feel this way.
You and your wife have quite the marital impasse on your hands.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp