Boundaries.
They're imperative in all relationships.
The problem with boundaries, though, is not being specific and discussing them more often.
People seem to upset and offend others by accident because no one communicates fast enough.
This is a big issue in new romantic relationships.
Case in point...
Redditor Livid-Teaching1664 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for being in my underwear around my B[oy]F[riend]'s brother?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 20 F[emale] have been with my BF for almost 3 months."
"I just started staying at his apartment recently for overnights."
"He's my first real boyfriend."
"I live at home with my family still, and we're very open."
"I walk around in a shirt and my underwear the majority of the time, and it's not an all-girls household."
"I have a dad, and two brothers ages 17 and 14."
"I also did it growing up, and I also have an older brother."
"If guests stopped by unannounced growing up, so be it. They'd see us in our bedwear."
"It's just normal for me, and I guess I expected other people to do it."
"As you could probably imagine, I did this at my boyfriend's apartment when it was just the two of us, which he loved."
"Then two days ago, his brother stopped by, and I came out of the shower in a t-shirt and Cheakies underwear (but not too Cheakies. It only exposed a little)."
"When my BF saw me, he immediately whispered to me to put on some pants, which I did."
"After his brother left, he was super pissed and asked if I was trying to 'seduce his brother or something.'"
"I told him I didn't mean anything by it, just that at home I walk around like this, and he said Well not at his home and not when we have guests."
"He told me I looked like I was trying to 'strut it for his brother.'"
"I apologized but he was super upset and went to sleep early, which isn't like our normal sleepovers since I stay over so rarely."
"It's been 3 days, and he hasn't asked me to sleep over again."
The OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. People you are unfamiliar with don't need to see your underwear." ~ tatasz
"I agree it's odd to walk around in your underwear around strangers I would have been mortified and headed straight to the bedroom to change YTA." ~ Mmoct
"I think it's odd to be in your underwear around family even."
"Maybe just me, but I don't want to see my siblings in nothing but their underwear." ~ Xero0911
"When I was about 13 my dad started getting uncomfortable with me being in a t-shirt and underwear watching TV before bed and told me I had to wear pants."
"That was my social clue."
"So, yeah, now it's something I would never do around men I'm not sleeping with." ~ LSATMaven
"My sisters and mom both walked around in giant t-shirts and underwear."
"We were a very prudish family, and it was just what they slept in."
"That being said, if they walked out like that with company they would have immediately done a 180 and changed into something else."
"Conversely, in college, my girlfriend's roommate would wear a crop top and panties around me."
"It wasn't a thing because no one made it a thing."
"I was there ALL the time." ~ SnatchAddict
"This!!! Everyone can set their own boundaries in their own home."
"It's not a thing until it's made into a thing!!"
"The boyfriend could just easily say that he would prefer when guests come over to please dress more modestly for his comfort." ~ D1133
"I stopped chilling in boxers around the time I turned 10-11."
"It just becomes weird at some point as you start developing."
"I don't know how she didn't have the common sense to put some clothes on when her BF's brother pulled up."
"She's weird ASF." ~ REDDIT
"Grew up with older brothers - they liked walking around in their boxers - I was not a fan."
"I remember one time I had a friend over (who only had sisters), and my brother walked into the kitchen in his boxers, saw her, and quickly walked out again."
"I didn't process anything weird until my friend was like, OMG!! WHAT WAS THAT!!" ~ PharmasaurusRxDino
"I don't want to be in just underwear around anyone but probably my husband."
"I will take a nap in underwear and a t-shirt sometimes, but that's in my bedroom, and I'm not just walking around like that."
"I think technically my roommate would have seen me in a t-shirt and underwear once because I was taking a nap and was woken up by a phone call about an emergency with my mom, and I had to go to the hospital 2 hours away, and I went out of my room to yell for my husband."
"But it was an emergency, and I was also wearing boy shorts, so it's not like anything was showing. But it was still awkward as hell." ~ KittyChimera
"Adding to the top comment."
"While I agree with YTA although softly, am I the only one that is getting icky vibes from the boyfriend's response?"
"I understand that he's not okay with it, but jumping straight to 'trying to seduce his brother' basically implies that he thinks she's walking around the house like that just to seduce him."
"Edit: Because it seems the last sentence can be misunderstood as 'him' referring to the brother."
"I meant that the boyfriend's mindset seems to be 'my girlfriend is walking around my apartment in underwear to be sexy for me,' instead of... 'because she's grown up this way in her home and doesn't seem to think that this can be inappropriate in other circumstances.'"
"Which is why he jumped to those accusations when his brother was present."
"Edit 2: I retract the 'icky vibes' comment."
"While not a great response of the boyfriend, it's more understandable when factoring in the age assuming the boyfriend is around the same age as OP." ~ Bademeister_
"In my house growing up, and even now, it was totally normal for us to be in underwear/occasionally naked around each other."
"It's just a difference in culture."
"It was never a 'weird' thing for my mom and me, for example, and it was certainly never seductive."
"It was just for comfort."
"If a stranger/someone else came over, though?"
"I would've sprinted to the bedroom to find any pair of pants as quickly as possible."
"I think OP's boyfriend is really overreacting, but I do agree on a very gentle ESH." ~ UnstableGoats
"Personally, I switch roles and imagine my bf walking around in his briefs in front of my sister."
"I'd call him a pig and shove him down the river."
"Decency and self-respect, not to mention respect for your significant other, does not equal an ick."
"I would actually judge you for thinking it's a problem they reacted that way."
"Like maybe you're into the family scene when it comes to that stuff?"
"Otherwise why blur the line?"
"What other reason do people have for walking around in intimate clothing in a situation like this with people they don't know very well? Psychological issues."
"This isn't a Victoria's Secret fashion show." ~ 12thhr
"YTA. You heard his brother was there and you still got cheeky (no pun intended)."
"And no, it's not normal to prance around in your underwear in front of guests." ~ KyotoDreamsTea
"It depends on the culture."
"It was quite common in an ex of mine's family in Milan, but still, I'd say ESH for this situation."
"I understand both sides of the coin on this one, having come from the American South where such openness in front of guests, etc."
"Wasn't seen as a positive."
"Takes a lot to wash away those preconceived, backward notions I learned growing up down here, even though I'm liberal."
"But, yeah, there could've and should've been a discussion about it, especially as the BF had been dating her for at least 3 months, and this has never come up as far as how her family is?" ~ insertwittynamethere
"So if your Dad's male friend stopped by and you just came down from the shower in a shirt and underwear, your dad was cool with that."
"I personally find that maybe a little weird."
"I understand growing up around family doing that, and how that may be okay, but whenever anyone came around who wasn't immediate family to visit, pants on, it was more a respect thing too." ~ Individual_Use_4314
"I find it weird even around her dad and brothers."
"Although I guess that's a double standard because my dad and brother would walk around in just boxers."
"My husband does that when it's really hot too, but we also have a tenant, and he doesn't do it in front of her."
"He walks around shirtless most of the time, though, and my friend once felt uncomfortable, which I thought was ridiculous." ~ pumpkinspice1218
"I'm going to say YTA."
"While you might be comfortable with this at home, you have to have a bit of common sense to understand that you are not at your own home and you were aware his brother was there (per your reply to someone else)." ~ Mobile_Prune_3207
"Yup, at least ask beforehand."
"I walked around like that at some of my ex's houses as well, after I noticed it was just normal there and after checking if people were okay with it."
"I am still gonna vote YTA, because you should've checked first OP, and if there are guests around, it is just normal to put on pants." ~ EggplantHuman6493
Well, OP, Reddit has a few problems with your problem.
Everyone has different rules on how to behave in their own homes.
It could be time for a more serious chat with your BF.
Clear boundaries and communication can save relationships.
Hopefully, when he calms down, y'all can talk.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp