Should wedding accommodate family members or are they just about those getting married?
That's the question Redditor Akiyuu has found themselves asking after an incident with their mother.
The Original Poster (OP) ultimately took their question to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for not banning strawberries from my wedding cake?"
She went on to explain:
"I'm getting married next year. I love strawberries and I want some on my wedding cake."
"My plan is to have a four tier cake where the bottom two are completely separate entities with different flavours and the top two are lemon/strawberry."
"My mother is mildy allergic to strawberries. Will have a headache and a mild rash if she eats one but is fine with eating food that has touched strawberries."
"She is absolutely incensed with my plan to include strawberries in my wedding cake and continously makes passive aggressive comments…"
"…about how wedding RSVPs include a section for the guests allergies and she would never serve something a guest couldn't eat."
"I explained to her that she is more than free to eat the other two cakes, they will be entirely strawberry free…"
"…aren't even touching the top cake and more importantly, my mother has diabetes and won't be eating more than a small slice to begin with."
"My fiance agrees she's being selfish."
"I'm making this post because I was telling my dad about this issue and she walked in and added that…"
"…'this is my only daughters one and only wedding, I want to be able to eat every part of the cake.' Haven't been able to close my mouth since from the pure shock."
"I mean. It's MY only wedding. And she sees nothing wrong with saying something so insanely out of pocket??"
"Well. My dad agrees with her so maybe I'm taking this too seriously and I can skip strawberries for a day? I really don't want to, but I also don't want to make this a big drama."
"My mom is used to getting whatever she wants and I'm used to my dad siding with her but I really thought my godd*mn wedding would be the exception."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA as long as it's actually safe for her to eat the cake, and you aren't downplaying her allergy."
"Even if she's okay with being near strawberries, another tier of the same cake would be worrisome to me."
"But as long as she's not completely excluded from dessert, either the other tiers or another dessert, it's fine."
"She's right that you should have a section for allergies on the RSVP though. Make sure there is at least one option for everyone, and that things with a certain ingredient are clear."
"I have a friend who is allergic to lots of fruit, we gave him a heads up about our cake before the wedding."
"But we were at another wedding, and the cupcakes had strawberries in them that weren't obvious."
"My husband happened to eat one and tell him 'Hey, I just had a cupcake and it had a strawberry in it, heads up'. But had this guy grabbed a cupcake first, it could have been bad."
"My husband is a vegetarian and we were at a wedding. A waiter was passing out egg rolls and he asked if there was meat in it and they had no clue."
"Knowing allergies, you can say to the waiters, 'Make sure you can answer that X has Y in it.'" - Usrname52
"NTA"
"She's making it seem like the most important aspect of this day is her ability to eat, or not eat, cake."
"She's made a weird powerplay over cake. It's bizarre. She is making it seem like this entire event is based on guests eating all layers of a cake." - HeirOfRavenclaw
"NTA"
"My MIL (and 3 other guests) share the same, reasonably significant food allergy and didn't expect our wedding cake to be suitable for them."
"Hubs and I wanted them to be able to enjoy with us so I arranged for there to be a separate cake which they could eat, which was decorated to match the main cake."
"They were over the moon and so appreciative but none of them expected it or would have kicked off if it wasn't available."
"You already have 2 tiers of cake that she can eat so to my mind there isn't an issue, except that she's not getting her own way 100%" - QuarantinisRUs
"NTA - Why is she demanding every part of the cake? What if your fiancé wanted something that she hated...would she demand he change his desires too?"
"I think by having 2 entire tiers of your cake separate, you've given her options. You are trying to accommodate. Her demanding all of your cake suits her is definitely selfish." - Shai7809
"Do you and the fiancee have the 2k? Just give her money back. Then make the changes to suit you both."
"You are 27 and never had a cake with strawberries for your birthday. I'm appalled on your behalf. Your mother is entitled to another level. She is so used to having you as a doormat."
"You are starting a new phase of your life. Find your shiny spines and start saying no. Have that strawberry cake. It's your declaration of adulthood and independence. Have an awesome wedding."
"You also now learned an important lesson, money has strings. Your mother has controlled you enough and is now controlling your wedding."
"Are you going to let her control the rest of your lives? When you get pregnant what rules will you have for your children?"
"You know she's going to walk all over you, and your Dad will be useless in standing up for you." - AmIarealbunny
"NTA -- There are other layers/cakes available. If you made them *all* strawberry, that would be inconsiderate."
"Mother of the groom here, my son's bride really loves stuffed peppers. I have a strong sensitivity to stuffed peppers."
"There will be stuffed peppers on the buffet, I don't have to take one, there will be many other dishes for me to choose from."
"There's nothing wrong with having something that some guests can't have, as long as there are reasonable options that they *can* have."
"Maybe as a gesture of goodwill, offer to let her pick the flavors for one of the other layers?" - Low_Cost3404
"NTA"
"'this is my only daughters one and only wedding, I want to be able to eat every part of the cake.'"
"It's your one and only wedding........and we don't always get what we want."
"'She is absolutely incensed with my plan to include strawberries in my wedding cake and continuously makes passive-aggressive comments…'"
"'…about how wedding RSVPs include a section for the guests allergies and she would never serve something a guest couldn't eat."
"I don't know anyone who did this. I think it's too much to expect a couple planning an event to mind everyone's dietary needs." - indicatprincess
"NTA. This is an insane demand. If she were gluten-intolerant, would she be insisting nothing at the wedding can contain gluten?"
"You have more than adequate arrangements for her allergy." - extinct_diplodocus
"What if your situation was reversed? I'll bet that your mom would never limit her choices for you like she wants you to do for her."
"Ask her if she had food at her wedding that anyone was allergic to. She won't know. So, why should she expect you to go beyond her standard?"
"Always, always turn these over-the-top demands around and present a mirror image. See how well it holds up (not very well, almost always.)"
"NTA." - sezit
"NTA. Your wedding, your cake, your strawberries."
"Your comment about your mom being used to getting what she wants is the key here. She hates that the cake isn't all about her."
"I think it's very kind that two tiers of your cake are suitable for her anyway, they don't have to be. F*ck it, make the whole thing strawberries." - MaxGoldfinch25
"NTA but based on your other comment that you were never allowed a strawberry cake for your own birthday, EVER…"
"…it seems like your mom just doesn't want you to have anything special for yourself for some weird reason and is using the strawberries to get her way again."
"Don't budge on this. It's YOUR day." - tasty_terpenes
"Some advice: stand your ground now because based on what you've said, your mother will try to run every part of your married life and make all the decisions."
"You and your new husband don't need that stress. I'm sorry you have a mother like this but it's fine to go LC. NTA" - Littleballoffur22
"NTA."
"1. You don't plan your entire menu around one guest's allergies. You accommodate the guest with an alternative meal."
"2. You have an alternative already planned out."
"3. It's not her wedding."
"4. 'able to eat every part of the cake'? WTF does that even mean? Your mother is f*cking weird."
"5. 'My mom is used to getting whatever she wants' because no one ever tells her no." - Character-Toe-2137
Not looking good for Mom, no matter which way you slice it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp