We all have dark days in our past that we would rather forget, and when we can’t forget them, we might do something to make ourselves feel better.
But that doesn’t mean everyone else has to stop what they’re doing to wait while we grieve, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor FamilyDispute05’s family didn’t seem to get that memo when they demanded he move his wedding date because of a dark day it correlated with.
When he refused to reschedule, the Original Poster’s (OP) family gave him a terrible ultimatum.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for having my wedding on my brother’s ‘divorce anniversary’?”
The OP and his future wife chose a wedding date.
I [Male] 28 have been engaged to my fiancee [Female] 26 for almost a year (what caused a delay was my FMIL (future mother-in-law) falling sick).”
“My fiancee and I decided to have our wedding on Jan 11th, 2022. We’ve already booked a venue, set the guest lists, food menu, etc.”
The OP’s parents wanted to talk to him about the date they’d chosen.
“My parents live hours away. Once they received the invitations, they called to confirm the date and then demanded I drop everything and come alone to talk about the issue they’re having with the date.”
“I took time off work and went to see them. They sat me down to remind me that on January 11th two years ago, my brother ‘Isaac’ (30) got officially separated from his ex-wife of 8 years.”
“They went on about what a dreadful day that day is for the family and Isaac.”
“Isaac told them he won’t come to my wedding, since this day happens to be his ‘divorce anniversary.’ Unless I change the date, he said he’s planning on getting drunk and crying his eyes out for doing what he did and causing his ex to leave him.”
“I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t tell if they were kidding, but I politely said, ‘I’m sorry but I’m not changing the date, period.'”
“Dad angrily said, ‘Why the rush? You have a lifetime ahead of you. No harm in moving the wedding date. Think about it.'”
“I explained that my fiancee and I paid for the venue and set everything up, we can’t cancel it now.”
“Mom firmly told me to leave my fiancee out it, because she had nothing to do with the conversation we were having.”
The OP’s parents gave him an ultimatum.
“I got upset and said I’m not changing my wedding date.”
“Mom said that I’m clearly choosing a day-long celebration over my brother and warned me that I’ll have to live with the fact I ruined my relationship with him over this.”
“Dad added, telling me to think of it this way: I’m getting married on the very same date my brother’s marriage ended. He asked how I could possibly not feel guilty for having my wedding anniversary be my brother’s divorce anniversary for years to come.”
“I argued that Isaac’s only got himself to blame for sleeping with someone else while married, and my ex-sister-in-law was right to decide she was having none of it.”
“My parents justified it as, ‘He was drunk,’ but the outcome is the same.”
“Before I left, they said if Isaac isn’t coming, then they too won’t come to the wedding.”
“This devastated me, because I want my family with me to share my joy because this was a big deal for me.”
“I’m not sure if my parents have a point, seeing more and more family are saying they won’t attend if I’ll still have my wedding on Jan 11th.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP wasn’t responsible for keeping track of all possible negative dates.
“You should ask for a list of ALL the days you can’t have your wedding, due to Isaac. Be sure to ask for the date he cheated to be included.”
“Then throw that list away and keep your date.” – Sensitive_Coconut339
“OP – I think you should tell your parents that if you were to ever consider their request, then you need the list of the dates he cheated (all of them), the day she left, the day he realized it was his own darn fault, the date of legal separation, the date of mediation, the date of the divorce decree, his ex-wife’s birthday, their wedding anniversary, their dating anniversary, etc…”
“Once you have that list, look at them and ask them if NOW they realize how ridiculous their request is, and move forward with your original plans.”
“NTA. Your brother needs to grow up and take personal responsibility and your parents need to stop enabling him.” – throwawayact75
“NTA and I’m confused. I am currently going through a divorce and I already have at least three ‘anniversaries’ – the day she left, the day she told me she definitely wasn’t coming back, the day the decree nisi was granted, and there will be another when the decree absolute comes through.”
“Then, of course, there’s our wedding anniversary, the anniversary of the day we met, and her birthday. So many dates that people can’t steal for happier reasons!”
“Clearly, I’ve been doing it wrong because I have completely failed to demand that my entire family arranges their life around these poignant but ultimately meaningless dates.”
“I hadn’t realized that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life mourning a marriage that is over and refusing to enjoy anything else.” – SuperciliousBubbles
“I’m going to go out on a limb and say that if the issue wasn’t a divorceiversary, it’d 100% be something else.”
“He had blue as one of his wedding colors, so now OP can’t, because it will remind him of his tragedy.”
“The woman he cheated with was wearing rose perfume, so rose centerpieces are obviously just a cruel, cruel jab.”
“Chocolate was ‘his flavor,’ so how very dare if OP’s wedding cake is chocolate. Something.”
“‘What Isaac says goes apparently’ is… telling.” – thievingwillow
Others said the OP and his future wife may have done themselves a favor.
“It might hurt like h**l now, but trust that you are better off without people like that in your life.”
“If your parents want to enable Isaac’s selfishness instead of encouraging him to take responsibility for his wrongs and get over himself, rather than expect the world to wallow in his regrets with him, that’s their choice.”
“He’ll never change, they’ll never change and it’s not your job to suffer with them.”
“If you give in to them now, they’ll do this to you your entire marriage. They are already showing blatant disrespect for you and your fiancé’s union by not even thinking your fiancé deserves to be a part of the discussion that affects her wedding.”
“They want you to make a decision for their benefit and then suffer the consequences if your fiancé doesn’t like it.”
“They’ll create trouble for your future marriage if you allow them to continue having access to your ear and get in your head.”
“Honestly, I’d even take it as far as to formally withdraw their invitations to the wedding since they want to give selfish ultimatums, but you make the decision you feel you can live with.”
“You’re definitely NTA.” – Mysterious-Finger-54
“I do think that’s the issue – OP is happy and Isaac currently is not. Even though it’s Isaac’s own fault for cheating on his wife.”
“I suspect OP has always had to perform directly below whatever bar Isaac was at.”
“Isaac had 5 friends at his birthday party? Well then OP can’t have 6. OP got into a top-tier school? Well, that was Isaac’s dream school and he didn’t get in, so OP shouldn’t go. Etc Etc Etc.”
“The world doesn’t revolve around Isaac and his petty remembrance dates. Does Isaac really sit around lighting candles at an altar and mourning the day she ended it, the day she moved out, the day he got served papers, the day they went to court, the day he got the final decree, etc., etc.?”
“Ridiculous. Those aren’t important memorial dates, they’re just LIFE.”
“OP can’t postpone his own life because Isaac is currently having his.”
“Seriously, f**k ’em.” – AQualityKoalaTeacher
“I have a feeling they’ve been pulling this s**t on OP their entire life as it is.”
“OP, time to nope out of your parents’ enabling the golden child at your expense.”
“The expectation that you would drop everything for a visit (and you did) speaks volumes for how they’ve been treating you.”
“NTA, OP, please continue to assert your boundaries and stop pandering to your parents’ prioritizing of your sibling.” – aliceisntredanymore
Some also had something to say about the wife not being included in the conversation.
“NTA – they have their priorities way off and need a reality check. Is your brother the golden child/ favorite? They seem to be putting a lot of investment in his feelings over yours.”
“How they think this doesn’t and shouldn’t impact your future wife in this discussion is telling how they feel, it’s her wedding too and she should have a say.” – trekqueen
“NTA. If they care more about one son’s divorce anniversary over their other son’s wedding, they’ve shown their loyalties.”
“Of course your fiancée has a say in the wedding date, she’s one of the two people on that altar saying ‘I do’ and paying for the whole shebang!”
“If your parents choose this hill to die on, downplaying the importance of your fiancée in wedding arrangements, if they choose to not be involved there may be other things they lose out on.” – ScorchieSong
“NTA. Your family is special.”
“You love them, but it looks like they love your brother more. Who on earth pays attention to divorce dates?”
“This is insane.”
“I suggest still sending invites out to people, including all extended family, and see what comes back. If people really shun the wedding, that’s weird and totally on them.”
“You said, ‘Mom firmly told me to leave my fiancee out it cause she had nothing to do with the conversation we were having. I got upset and said I’m not changing my wedding date.'”
“I suggest you talk to your brother and check in with him to see if he is the one that has an issue with this?? Or is this your parents taking something out of context. This is just so bizarre.” – Firefly232
“NTA. Your family is amazing.”
“Leave your fiancee out of it, because she had nothing to do with the conversation??? The conversation about HER wedding that (I assume) she is helping to pay for and has already made plans for.”
“Your parents are off to a terrific start with their future DIL (daughter-in-law).”
“I’m sorry to both of you. I think this is only the start where you’ll have to put you and your wife first before your family’s demands. Stay firm on the date. Congratulations on the wedding!” – schnoodle2017
The OP admittedly had mixed feelings because of the sheer number of family members who were vowing to veto his wedding over a shared date on the calendar, but the subReddit insisted he keep the plans he and his future wife planned out.
Planning an entire life around past mistakes is incredibly unrealistic, and when that attempt starts to impact someone else’s plans, that’s a sure sign that something needs to change for the better.