To gift, or not to gift… that is the question. At least it is for one Redditor.
According to multiple wedding etiquette resources, there are general gifting guidelines to remember when you’re invited to a wedding.
- Check the Registry: always refer to a couple’s wedding registry for appropriate gifts
- Send Gifts, Don’t Bring Them: modern etiquette dictates guests mail gifts to the couple’s address instead of bringing them to the wedding or reception venue
- Timeliness: try to send your gift within a couple of months of the wedding date
- Cash is Always Acceptable: giving cash, a check, or a prepaid debit card is an acceptable gift option
- Group Gifting: group gifting for larger items, where multiple guests contribute to a single expensive gift, is acceptable
- Charitable Donations: honor the request if couples prefer donations to their favorite charity instead of gifts
- Don’t Feel Obligated: wedding gifts are a thoughtful gesture but never a requirement
A family member struggling with that last gifting guideline—is no gift ever OK?—turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on the future “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) situation they’re facing.
EarlGreyHot21 asked:
“WIBTA if I didn’t bring a gift to a wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My cousin’s daughter is remarrying her ex-husband. They have worked out their differences after their divorce and want to give it another try.”
“That’s great!”
“However, they are having another wedding ceremony and reception. They received a lot of what a new couple needs and bought whatever else they needed while they were married.”
“Having been divorced for a few years, they now have duplicates of a lot of stuff.”
“WIBTA if I attended but did not bring a gift?”
“I’m just wondering about the etiquette regarding a gift for a second full-on wedding and reception to the same person. I gave well the first time around, and we saw what happened that time.”
“I think it’s great that they want to try again, but another full-on wedding? Maybe I’m just old.”
“If I were truly an a**hole, I would wrap up a picture from their first wedding as a gift.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I could be generous and provide a second gift, or I could say that marrying the same person disqualifies you from another wedding gift.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/NBTA), although many opted to offer gift suggestions instead of judgment.
“Are they having like a full-out wedding? Or is it more of a casual thing? Personally, I think etiquette is a little flexible in this situation, but if they are having a reception, I’d bring a token gift.”
“Even just a nice bottle of wine, maybe with some kind of clever tag about them getting married again, like ‘cheers to round two!’ or something stupid like that.” ~ Stranger0nReddit
“NTA. Truthfully, I just wouldn’t go. I’d be embarrassed if I were them throwing another wedding after divorcing each other the first time.”
“You want to get back together fine—but if you want to make it legal, go to the courthouse or have a small gathering of just immediate family. That’s tacky.” ~ Majestic_Shoe5175
“Right? I would maybe at most have a backyard BBQ to celebrate.” ~ LLD615
“Meh, judge away, but I have no issue with it. That said, my gift would be a donation to like an animal shelter in their name with a nice card wishing them well.” ~ Chickpea7447
“When I married in my late 30s, the invitations all said that the only gift we needed was their presence to celebrate. I had a few people contact me about gifts.”
“I said that we were combining two adult households and had already had two garage sales so we honestly didn’t need or want any gifts. We just wanted them to come and have a good time.”
“Even 20 years later, I was told it was the most fun wedding most had attended.” ~ WildBlue2525Potato
“If it was me getting remarried, I would be doing it quietly at City Hall and have a party afterwards, but stress that I didn’t want gifts since we were remarrying.” ~ Celticlady47
“A gift should never be expected, and in this case it sounds like they might not need much. That said, it’s fairly customary to bring something.”
“At the very least, I’d say bring a card with a nice note. Feel free to drop a gift card to a restaurant they like or something in there as well.” ~ EvilSockLady
“100% correct that a gift should never be expected.”
“But, of course, it often is.”
“A bottle of champagne or a picture frame are very appropriate gifts that can be under $50.” ~ Impossible-Action-88
“Got a bottle of local wine and some wine glasses made by a local artisan for the 2nd wedding of my husband’s aunt.”
“They had a super-small wedding with just siblings and their children invited, but my husband and I wanted to do something special for them to celebrate. They loved it.” ~ Pascale73
“UGH, it’s so sad and tacky to me that we’re in a place where we think of a gift as a reimbursement for the cost of being a guest to an event we were invited to.” ~ Impossible-Action-88
“Normally I would say you always should give some form of a gift at a wedding (even if it’s small), but this is different since it’s not only a second marriage but a second marriage of the same two people.”
“Technically, the right thing to do would be for the couple to say ‘no gifts’ on their invitation since they already received them the first time (and it sounds like it hasn’t been too long since that first wedding).”
“If they didn’t, I say if you want to get something, find a frame or blanket (not sure where you’re located, but you can get affordable ones in the US at HomeGoods) with a card.”
“But if you opt not to, you still wouldn’t be an a**hole in this circumstance. NTA.” ~ LLD615
“I’ve actually been to two weddings with the happy couple giving it another go.”
“On one invite, it specifically said, ‘No gifts’.”
“I’d ask some relatives what they’re giving as gifts. Someone mentioned gift cards. I think that’s reasonable.” ~ Succulent_Roses
“NTA. For what it’s worth, Boomer here. Back in the day, second or subsequent weddings were quiet and intimate affairs (unless, of course, you were Elizabeth Taylor).”
“Gifts were not expected, ceremonies were simple, and any type of reception was usually a restaurant meal for the few guests.”
“So, no, you would not be the a**hole (NTA) for not brining an extravagant gift. If you wish to give a small token of your good wishes for the couple, fine, but I would not consider it mandatory.” ~ BunnySlayer64
“Give them something that reflects the importance of the occasion. Something cheap. Like a framed picture from their first wedding.” ~ dirty_bunny_57
“Get a double frame and leave the other half empty so they can put a picture from wedding #2 in the other half.” ~ christikayann
“Best get a bigger one just in case they need space for wedding #3, or more.” ~ ElectricHurricane321
“So a VHS tape of their first wedding with a sticker ‘be kind please rewind!’ sounds appropriate.” ~ Dittoheadforever
“When my mom remarried my dad, no one gave them anything. Just give them a nice card and your congratulations. NTA.” ~ KaetzenOrkester
“Exactly how do you write a wedding invitation when you’re remarrying someone you divorced already?”
“‘We cordially invite you to the remarriage of Jane Doe, and John Doe, they’ve decided they can make the same mistake all over again’.”
“NTA. But if you’re feeling whimsical, maybe a yo-yo or a boomerang?” ~ Lizdance40
“I would think of this as a vow renewal. If you would give a gift for that, then do, and if you wouldn’t give a gift for that, then don’t.” ~ chapteronetwo
“NTA if you don’t bring a material gift, but YTA if you show up completely empty-handed.”
“It’s customary to bring a little something. I remember hearing years ago that the rule of thumb is bring a gift that is of equal value to your plate at the reception.”
“However, since they already have all the household items they need, getting a material gift doesn’t make sense.”
“I would suggest either gifting cash, or getting them a gift card to a nice restaurant or one of their favorite stores, or a bottle of wine.) But as a bare minimum, bring a card.” ~ Wild_Ticket1413
“NTA. I’m truly surprised they didn’t specify ‘No gifts expected, your presence would be a gift as we reconfirm our marriage’ or whatever. Most people who marry a bit later in life after having a household, etc… say something like that.”
“In addition, I don’t think you have to go at all. These are all their relationship issues. They aren’t entitled to an audience and a big party. It sounds like another instagram-infested decision.” ~ Brennan_Boru1031
If OP does decide to bring—or send—a gift, they have plenty of suggestions now.
Ultimately, they were judged as not being an a**hole if they opt out of a gift.
It’s really up to them what they want to do.