Weddings are hotbeds of drama.
Of course, all the elements are there to create tension: parents, siblings, in-laws, expensive plans on a set schedule, pressure to have a perfect day…
What could go wrong besides everything?
Toss in a few toxic relatives and there’s bound to be an explosion.
A brother-in-law thought he may have lit the fuse for some upcoming nuptials, so he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
WeddingShawl asked:
“AITA for taking back a shawl my wife made for a bride-to-be after she was uninvited from the wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife, Lena, crochets a lot and often gifts it to friends and family. When her 2nd oldest brother got married, she made the bride a shawl to wear over her dress in the evening.”
“The bride loved it and ever since Lena has made shawls for everyone in her family getting married.”
“Now Lena’s oldest brother, George, is getting married again. Lena doesn’t have a relationship with George as he was abusive to her as a child, but if she has to see him then she is polite but distant with him.”
“She doesn’t want to cut off the rest of her family because of George.”
“I work with George and while we aren’t friends, we are friendly at work—Lena encouraged this when George got moved to my team. I was going to request a transfer not wanting to expose Lena to George as my team do a lot of get togethers with our significant others.”
“As it is a family wedding, Lena’s mom asked her if she could crochet a shawl for George’s fiancée and Lena agreed. It was arranged that once it was finished I would take it to work to give to George so that Lena didn’t have to see him.”
“Earlier this week, the shawl was completed and I emailed George at work to let him know that I would bring it in today as the wedding is tomorrow. When I got into work this morning, I gave George the shawl and let him know that Lena and I were looking forward to the wedding.”
“Come lunch time, Lena called me to let me know that George’s fiancée had called her and told her that she was no longer invited to the wedding citing the place they are having the wedding and the reception at is too small for the number they have coming so are having to make cut backs.”
“However I was still invited to the wedding.”
“I was mad at this because they clearly only invited Lena to get a shawl, which to me is just rude. Uninviting a blood relative but keeping the spouse is something George has done before with their brother.”
“If they had asked Lena outright to make one, she probably would have done it because she loves to crochet.”
“On my way out of work, I noticed George wasn’t at his desk but the shawl was. I was still mad that they had used Lena to get a shawl and I just shoved it in my work bag.”
“I did consider unravelling it and telling George that Lena got them an Ikea Shawl but Lena would crucify me if I unravelled something she spent hours on.”
“I left a note on his desk telling George since Lena was no longer invited, the shawl and I would no longer be attending either. On my way home, I told Lena what I had done and asked her if she wanted to go out instead, so not to waste having a sitter.”
“Lena was upset that I had taken the shawl as it was causing an uproar in her family group chat where people were calling her petty because I took it back.”
“Lena wants me to give it back. I don’t think I should, they don’t deserve Lena’s kindness. However, at the same time, I don’t want Lena to be upset with me over George and a shawl.”
The OP added:
“I have messaged the group chat, letting them know that I took it and if they should be pissed at anyone then it should be me but I would also do it again because no one gets to be a d*ck to Lena.”
“Mother-in-law will do whatever it takes for George to be happy. If Lena not attending is what makes him happy then she’ll do whatever is needed to make it happen.”
“If George is happy, then so is everyone. If not he makes everyone around him miserable.”
“He’s always been able to get what he wants because MIL has to make sure her ‘baby boy’ is always happy. George is MIL’s favourite child, she doesn’t even attempt to hide it.”
OP asked again:
“Am I the a-hole for taking back the shawl?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were almost unanimous in declaring the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Lena needs to stand up for herself and not be a darn doormat for her family.”
“If they think it’s fine that Lena gets uninvited but thinks Lena is petty for you taking the shawl back, then why on earth is there still any contact with them?” ~ BoudicaTheArtist
“You did the right thing. Her family sounds horrible. Keep the damn thing and convince her she owes them nothing.”
“Why aren’t they upset about him uninviting his own sister to his wedding?”
“If she insists on you giving it back, just tell her you lost it or whatever and she shouldn’t let others walk all over her. She’s placating them while they mistreat her.” ~ Dazzling_Walrus6224
“NTA. What a horrible family your wife has, that can see her brother be abusive to her as a child, see that they aren’t close for a long time, then watch him invite her to his wedding then disinvite her after she gives him a gift, and have their takeaway be that she is being petty.” ~ Signal_Wall_8445
“What the actual F is the family thinking calling Lena out for this, but not taking George to task for his behavior, manipulation, and greed?”
“Lena may need to discuss this with a therapist, because she deserves better than what her family will give. Hard boundaries are needed here.”
“You’re NTA, and you’re a good husband.” ~ SuzieQbert
People weren’t buying the excuse for disinviting OP’s wife, either.
“NTA. They did a head count the day before the wedding, and that resulted in him uninviting his SISTER‽‽”
“That’s petty, pathetic, and dishonest.”
“George is a bully who made his fiancée make that phone call for him. And then he expects you to come without her?”
“Ridiculous. You were right to take the shawl back.” ~ raptone50
“NTA—actually, you are the rockstar for standing up to this childish behavior by George and his fiancée on behalf of your wife.”
“The day before the wedding they do a headcount for a wedding‽‽‽ No way!!!”
“I bet if you had told them that you’d bring the shawl to the wedding, they would not have uninvited Lena.”
“There is a slight touch of AH doing this without your wife’s permission, but again in my opinion that’s what made you the rockstar.” ~ catskilkid
“NTA. Asking someone to spend hours and hours of their time to make you a personalized gift and then uninviting them? It doesn’t get much ruder than that.”
“The minute she was uninvited she had no obligation to give them such an expensive wedding gift.”
“You are an amazing husband. They need to be embarrassed and shamed for this stunt they pulled.” ~ _gadget_girl
“NTA. The fact that her family is in an uproar because of the shawl and not because she was uninvited from the wedding makes it pretty clear that George isn’t the only toxic one to her in the family.” ~ regalfish
“NTA. I’d have taken it back too. And I would have my wife add me to the group chat and set the record right. That she had nothing to do with taking the shawl back.”
“You took it and it will not be returned since your wife was used and then discarded after she was of no more use to the lovely bride and groom.”
“That they had the fricking gall to disinvite her the minute it was in their possession and to still think that you’d attend is mind-blowing. Sorry, but I’m mad for your wife along with you.”
“I’d ask for that transfer now. I just couldn’t ever be polite to him again.” ~ 9smalltowngirl
However, one Redditor felt the OP was the a**hole, but not for taking the shawl.
“Are you a team lead or team member? Also, how do you think it would go if you told your manager that one of you was transferring and it’s their choice who?”
“Because honestly while it’s great that you defend her, you need to remove the problem entirely, and this latest turn of events has proven that the issue is not gonna just go away.”
“As for judgement I’m gonna go with YTA, but not because of the shawl at all. That was good of you and completely justified.”
“You’re an a-hole because you are still allowing your wife’s abuser to be a part of her life. You need to either be firm with your job about a transfer or look for employment elsewhere.” ~ Dependent_Basis_8092
While the husband’s actions might be justified, was it OK to act without consulting his wife?
Or was he asserting his right not to enable this toxic behavior by refusing to be the deliverer?
What do you think?