Finding the perfect ensemble and attire for a wedding can be stressful.
Some people search high and low for the exact requirements the newlyweds sent out.
Now many weddings are casual, basic formal… that’s easy.
But some couples are strict about what they expect to see on their big day.
And not everyone wants to be part of the show.
Redditor djsavoy wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so he naturally joined the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to dress like a background extra for a wedding I wasn’t even invited to?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“A few weeks ago, I begrudgingly agreed to be my friend Ethan’s +1 to a wedding for some guy we went to high school with (not someone I’ve kept in touch with or ever expected to see again).”
“The wedding is in early June—still about 3 weeks out—and it’s happening on some island off the coast of Massachusetts.”
“We’re staying at a resort in Salem.”
“I don’t love weddings, and traveling without my own transportation stresses me out, and I was already pushing it by saying yes.”
“This week, Ethan tells me we ‘have to go suit shopping.’”
“I’m confused—why?”
“I already own a black suit.”
“I’m a +1, not part of the wedding party.”
“Turns out the couple sent out a literal color palette for guests to dress in—pale grays, taupes, and soft pastels.”
“They ‘encourage’ everyone to stick to the scheme.”
“No warning, no heads-up.”
“Just a full-on vibe control memo like we’re extras on a movie set.”
“Ethan wanted us in matching light gray suits with pastel blue or green ties.”
“I’m sorry, but I wear black, navy, maroon… maybe beige if I’m feeling wild.”
“That’s it.”
“I’m not about to spend money on a pastel-tied suit for a wedding I wasn’t even actually invited to.”
“I told him to cancel my +1 because I’m not going anymore.”
“Now he’s annoyed, saying I’m bailing last minute and making him look bad because people were expecting me.”
“He left me on read and said he would ‘talk to me when I was willing to be reasonable.’”
“We’ve been friends since Freshman year of high school and have talked pretty much every day since (we’re 28 and 29 now).”
“But like… I didn’t agree to be a prop in someone else’s wedding photo aesthetic.”
“I’m a guest of a guest.”
“The wedding is still 22 days out.”
“Surely he can find another +1 who’s down to dress like a decorative macaron.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So Reddit, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
“A wedding is not a summons, and you should’ve been told about the dress code sooner.”
“That said, I can see why he was annoyed: he wanted to go with you, his good friend, y’all already have accommodations booked, and it sounds like you probably should just have said no at the beginning. NAH.” ~ Bears_in_the_sky
“You’re really hung up on this ‘background character’ insult.”
“Like, you’re offended as a guest that you shouldn’t stand out.”
“That’s literally what every single person at a wedding is.”
“No one is supposed to stand out other than the bride.”
“NAH but you seem to have an attitude and kind of come off like an AH in general.”
“So I’m betting you came off the same way to your friend.” ~ BabalonBimbo
“Oooooo… love the idea of renting the suit.”
“Men’s Warehouse all the way baby, and in the spirit of the dress code, please find the most pastel color possible.”
“NAH, but in all seriousness… yes, the details are annoying.”
“But if this is a friend that you care about and they are not typically over the top with requests from you, please consider going because it matters to them that you are there with them.”
“You have the option to make it about the event or make it about the company.”
“Sometimes, especially as a plus one, the whole point is the pleasure of your company.”
“Embrace the decorative macaron!” ~ bmoregal125
“NTA. But it’s a beach wedding.”
“Why would a suit be required?”
“Wouldn’t a pair of khakis and a white or light blue shirt work just fine?”
“Even black pants with a light shirt should be sufficient.”
“Also, not everyone will comply anyway.” ~ Travellingone777
“NTA. People who are that controlling about their weddings are exhausting.”
“And bare minimum, they should explain their crazy controlling desires as soon as they send out the invitation not shortly before the actual wedding date.” ~ Constellation-88
“NTA. Guests aren’t props.”
“Other than providing guidance on the level of formality of an event, asking people to wear specific things is obnoxious.”
“Go ask the wedding sub – they’ll affirm this for you, and that place is full of brides.”
“That said, I might consider going for your friend.”
“I wouldn’t buy a new suit.”
“I’d wear what you have with a white shirt and pastel tie, maybe even omitting the jacket.”
“A beach wedding doesn’t usually require that level of formality.” ~ ilikecats415
“You’re NTA for not wanting to go but I wouldn’t want you to go either.”
“You seem like a real downer. It’s not that hard to get a different color shirt.”
“But you clearly hate weddings and celebrating people anyway.” ~ OliveYou44
“OP sounds like a bit of an AH just in how he describes the situation, and if that’s how he talks then I can see why his friend doesn’t want to talk to him.”
“If you didn’t want to go, you should have just said no from the beginning and not bail on your friend.”
“He already made the arrangements and set up accommodations.”
“The suit is just a stupid excuse.”
“If you don’t want to spend the money, you could just tell him, ‘Hey, I’ll go, but I’m not going to buy matching suits. I have a beige one, and I’ll wear that as it matches the requested color palette.’”
“If he gets mad, then that’s on him.”
“Also, believe it or not, the wedding isn’t about you and how you feel about their choice in requested attire.”
“It’s kind of immature to throw a fit over it.”
“NTA for not wanting to pay for a new suit.”
“YTA for bailing on a friend kind of last minute since plans were made, and you should have said no from the start.”
“As it sounds like you never wanted to go.” ~ trvllvr
“NAH except the couple who cares more about an aesthetic than their guests.”
“I don’t blame you one bit for refusing to purchase an outfit you will never wear again, and I also understand why Ethan is upset that you’re canceling after he made travel/hotel arrangements.” ~ jessiemagill
“NTA. It sounds like this color palette dress code thing for guests wasn’t on the initial invite.”
“I don’t think OP is being unreasonable here.”
“I have no issue with the wedding couple picking decoration colors and the colors for the wedding party, but as soon as they demand that guests wear only certain colors I am out.”
“That starts to lean a little heavily into being treated like a prop, not a valued guest. It’s a crazy expectation to think that all the guests can even afford to go out and buy fancy clothing that meets their color requirements, that the person may have no actual use for in their real lives.” ~ CuriousEmphasis7698
“NTA. This trend of themed dress codes at weddings is insane.”
“Some of these brides have really lost their minds with the expectations they have.” ~ Forsoothia
“You’re NTA.”
“I absolutely HATE it when people tell other people what to wear.” ~ No_Lingonberry_8317
“NTA. The bride and groom can have whatever preference about what people wear to their wedding but can only really enforce it to themselves and the bridal party.” ~ Electrical-Ad-1798
“Sounds way too complicated as a guest for someone you don’t even know anymore.”
“Stay home and enjoy the stressless day. NTA.” ~ West_House_2085
OP came back with an update.
“No, Ethan and I are not dating.”
“We’re just longtime friends—nothing romantic.”
“I mistakenly said ‘resort.’”
“It’s actually a boutique hotel in Salem, not a full resort.”
“I’m not super keen on the details (obviously) and that’s my bad.”
“I found out about the color palette just yesterday (3 weeks before the wedding, 4 weeks after I agreed to go).”
“Ethan admitted he knew about it earlier but didn’t bring it up because, quote, ‘I knew you’d be difficult about it.’”
“Renting a suit isn’t really an option because the color scheme is super specific, and I’m not interested in investing time or money into looking like a decorative macaron.”
“They not only sent out exact colors to be worn but advised on which store to get them from.”
“Why I agreed to go in the first place: I didn’t realize this would be a high school reunion vibe, and I thought Ethan might not know anyone else there.”
“Now that I know he does—and seeing the whole vibe—I wouldn’t have said yes if I’d known upfront.”
“No, I don’t own a beige suit.”
“I was just making a point that I stick to a pretty narrow range of clothing colors: black, navy, maroon, and yeah—maybe beige once in a blue moon.”
“My current formal lineup is two black suits and a black tux.”
“Appreciate the chaos and the feedback—y’all are as entertaining as you are opinionated. 🥂”
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is on Ethan.
He waited 4 weeks to tell you.
That’s a strategy!
If Ethan wants you to go so badly, he should at least buy your suit.
Good luck.