Finding the perfect ensemble and attire for a wedding can be stressful.
Some people search high and low for the exact requirements the newlyweds sent out.
Now many weddings are casual, basic formal... that's easy.
But some couples are strict about what they expect to see on their big day.
And not everyone wants to be part of the show.
Redditor djsavoy wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so he naturally joined the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to dress like a background extra for a wedding I wasn't even invited to?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A few weeks ago, I begrudgingly agreed to be my friend Ethan's +1 to a wedding for some guy we went to high school with (not someone I've kept in touch with or ever expected to see again)."
"The wedding is in early June—still about 3 weeks out—and it's happening on some island off the coast of Massachusetts."
"We're staying at a resort in Salem."
"I don't love weddings, and traveling without my own transportation stresses me out, and I was already pushing it by saying yes."
"This week, Ethan tells me we 'have to go suit shopping.'"
"I'm confused—why?"
"I already own a black suit."
"I'm a +1, not part of the wedding party."
"Turns out the couple sent out a literal color palette for guests to dress in—pale grays, taupes, and soft pastels."
"They 'encourage' everyone to stick to the scheme."
"No warning, no heads-up."
"Just a full-on vibe control memo like we're extras on a movie set."
"Ethan wanted us in matching light gray suits with pastel blue or green ties."
"I'm sorry, but I wear black, navy, maroon… maybe beige if I'm feeling wild."
"That's it."
"I'm not about to spend money on a pastel-tied suit for a wedding I wasn't even actually invited to."
"I told him to cancel my +1 because I'm not going anymore."
"Now he's annoyed, saying I'm bailing last minute and making him look bad because people were expecting me."
"He left me on read and said he would 'talk to me when I was willing to be reasonable.'"
"We've been friends since Freshman year of high school and have talked pretty much every day since (we're 28 and 29 now)."
"But like… I didn't agree to be a prop in someone else's wedding photo aesthetic."
"I'm a guest of a guest."
"The wedding is still 22 days out."
"Surely he can find another +1 who's down to dress like a decorative macaron."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So Reddit, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
"A wedding is not a summons, and you should've been told about the dress code sooner."
"That said, I can see why he was annoyed: he wanted to go with you, his good friend, y'all already have accommodations booked, and it sounds like you probably should just have said no at the beginning. NAH." ~ Bears_in_the_sky
"You're really hung up on this 'background character' insult."
"Like, you're offended as a guest that you shouldn't stand out."
"That's literally what every single person at a wedding is."
"No one is supposed to stand out other than the bride."
"NAH but you seem to have an attitude and kind of come off like an AH in general."
"So I'm betting you came off the same way to your friend." ~ BabalonBimbo
"Oooooo… love the idea of renting the suit."
"Men's Warehouse all the way baby, and in the spirit of the dress code, please find the most pastel color possible."
"NAH, but in all seriousness… yes, the details are annoying."
"But if this is a friend that you care about and they are not typically over the top with requests from you, please consider going because it matters to them that you are there with them."
"You have the option to make it about the event or make it about the company."
"Sometimes, especially as a plus one, the whole point is the pleasure of your company."
"Embrace the decorative macaron!" ~ bmoregal125
"NTA. But it's a beach wedding."
"Why would a suit be required?"
"Wouldn't a pair of khakis and a white or light blue shirt work just fine?"
"Even black pants with a light shirt should be sufficient."
"Also, not everyone will comply anyway." ~ Travellingone777
"NTA. People who are that controlling about their weddings are exhausting."
"And bare minimum, they should explain their crazy controlling desires as soon as they send out the invitation not shortly before the actual wedding date." ~ Constellation-88
"NTA. Guests aren't props."
"Other than providing guidance on the level of formality of an event, asking people to wear specific things is obnoxious."
"Go ask the wedding sub - they'll affirm this for you, and that place is full of brides."
"That said, I might consider going for your friend."
"I wouldn't buy a new suit."
"I'd wear what you have with a white shirt and pastel tie, maybe even omitting the jacket."
"A beach wedding doesn't usually require that level of formality." ~ ilikecats415
"You're NTA for not wanting to go but I wouldn't want you to go either."
"You seem like a real downer. It's not that hard to get a different color shirt."
"But you clearly hate weddings and celebrating people anyway." ~ OliveYou44
"OP sounds like a bit of an AH just in how he describes the situation, and if that's how he talks then I can see why his friend doesn't want to talk to him."
"If you didn't want to go, you should have just said no from the beginning and not bail on your friend."
"He already made the arrangements and set up accommodations."
"The suit is just a stupid excuse."
"If you don't want to spend the money, you could just tell him, 'Hey, I'll go, but I'm not going to buy matching suits. I have a beige one, and I'll wear that as it matches the requested color palette.'"
"If he gets mad, then that's on him."
"Also, believe it or not, the wedding isn't about you and how you feel about their choice in requested attire."
"It's kind of immature to throw a fit over it."
"NTA for not wanting to pay for a new suit."
"YTA for bailing on a friend kind of last minute since plans were made, and you should have said no from the start."
"As it sounds like you never wanted to go." ~ trvllvr
"NAH except the couple who cares more about an aesthetic than their guests."
"I don't blame you one bit for refusing to purchase an outfit you will never wear again, and I also understand why Ethan is upset that you're canceling after he made travel/hotel arrangements." ~ jessiemagill
"NTA. It sounds like this color palette dress code thing for guests wasn't on the initial invite."
"I don't think OP is being unreasonable here."
"I have no issue with the wedding couple picking decoration colors and the colors for the wedding party, but as soon as they demand that guests wear only certain colors I am out."
"That starts to lean a little heavily into being treated like a prop, not a valued guest. It's a crazy expectation to think that all the guests can even afford to go out and buy fancy clothing that meets their color requirements, that the person may have no actual use for in their real lives." ~ CuriousEmphasis7698
"NTA. This trend of themed dress codes at weddings is insane."
"Some of these brides have really lost their minds with the expectations they have." ~ Forsoothia
"You're NTA."
"I absolutely HATE it when people tell other people what to wear." ~ No_Lingonberry_8317
"NTA. The bride and groom can have whatever preference about what people wear to their wedding but can only really enforce it to themselves and the bridal party." ~ Electrical-Ad-1798
"Sounds way too complicated as a guest for someone you don't even know anymore."
"Stay home and enjoy the stressless day. NTA." ~ West_House_2085
OP came back with an update.
"No, Ethan and I are not dating."
"We're just longtime friends—nothing romantic."
"I mistakenly said 'resort.'"
"It's actually a boutique hotel in Salem, not a full resort."
"I'm not super keen on the details (obviously) and that's my bad."
"I found out about the color palette just yesterday (3 weeks before the wedding, 4 weeks after I agreed to go)."
"Ethan admitted he knew about it earlier but didn't bring it up because, quote, 'I knew you'd be difficult about it.'"
"Renting a suit isn't really an option because the color scheme is super specific, and I'm not interested in investing time or money into looking like a decorative macaron."
"They not only sent out exact colors to be worn but advised on which store to get them from."
"Why I agreed to go in the first place: I didn't realize this would be a high school reunion vibe, and I thought Ethan might not know anyone else there."
"Now that I know he does—and seeing the whole vibe—I wouldn't have said yes if I'd known upfront."
"No, I don't own a beige suit."
"I was just making a point that I stick to a pretty narrow range of clothing colors: black, navy, maroon, and yeah—maybe beige once in a blue moon."
"My current formal lineup is two black suits and a black tux."
"Appreciate the chaos and the feedback—y'all are as entertaining as you are opinionated. 🥂"
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is on Ethan.
He waited 4 weeks to tell you.
That's a strategy!
If Ethan wants you to go so badly, he should at least buy your suit.
Good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.