A 25-year-old man who was widowed 19 months ago finally found he was ready to move on with his life.
But when he settled down with a new girlfriend who moved in with him, he realized there were certain things about his deceased wife he was not ready to let go.
When the girlfriend tampered with his cellphone because of her own insecurities, he made a tough decision that led him to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit, where he asked:
"AITA for kicking girlfriend out after she deleted [my] dead wife's pictures from my phone?"
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"My wife died 19 months ago. It was real hard on me the first few months but finally started putting myself back out there."
"I met girlfriend (23 F[emale]) 7 months ago. It was going pretty well and she moved into my apartment around 4ish months ago. In hindsight we probably rushed this."
"My girlfriend is very overprotective and clingy and scared of me cheating as she's been hurt in the past. I let her have my phone password so she could ease her mind."
"She saw a photo of me and wife and asked who she was and I explained."
"She seemed to take it well but was a little bit awkward about it."
"Fast forward 3 days and I go to take a shower and leave my phone on charge in the bedroom. I come out to see my phone unlocked. Weird but I let it slide."
"Later in that day I go through my photos to upload a new profile picture to Facebook. All the photos of my wife and me and her together are gone without a trace. I check my Snapchat my eyes only because I had a few in there along with intimate photos of us together. I knew it was my girlfriend."
"I confronted her about it and she started yelling. She said I need to get over it and get rid of all the reminders of my wife because she was here now."
"She also called me really creepy for 'having nude pictures of a dead girl.' (Granted I probably should have deleted those a long time ago but I didn't want to because they were special to me, might be AH on my part there)."
"I was livid. I told her to get out."
"She stared at me in disbelief as I told her again. She packed some stuff and left. I went to my room and cried. I woke up to many missed calls and angry texts from her and her friends for calling me the AH. This might not have been a big deal but she permanently got rid of 95% of the pictures of my wife."
"I still have some printed like the wedding and some vacations, but I'm still missing a big chunk of them. I feel like she deleted a part of me as well. I've had to block multiple numbers (including my sisters, wtf)."
"I do miss her though and want to talk but I'm confused. Reddit, am I in the wrong?"
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors were sympathetic and declared NTA.
"NTA. Don't let her back in your life, she needs therapy for her issues." – I_wont_hold_back
"You should take her to court for this if it cause you emotional trauma. You're definitely NTA." – spiralmadness
The IT literate offered their wisdom for the OP in the hopes of retrieving the deleted photos.
"NTA. Check the deleted files folder on your phone. A lot of phones have the equivalent of a recycle bin, so hopefully they are sitting there. Fingers crossed she is not tech savvy enough to realise that."
"P.S change any passwords she may have had access to." – Cottage_Elf
"OP depending on what kind of phone you have you might be able to restore to last back up and retrieve those pictures, or navigate through the picture files in you old back up to extract those photos manually." – zoomerang93
The OP was reminded that certain boundaries within relationships should be respected.
"It's not normal to go through your SOs phone. I get that is no big deal to you right now but it's a huge red flag and a precursor to her controlling behavior."
"Her trust issues are her own thing she needs to work on, it doesn't mean you need to give up your own privacy." – alancewicz
"Second this. An SO even attempting to go through my phone is a deal breaker for me. Not only do I expect a level of trust (if we don't have that then wtf are we even doing), but I vent my private feeling to my best friends, my mom, and my sister and they do the same."
"It's a violation of my privacy and the privacy of any one that has text me." – Decidedly-Undecided
"This. It's basic privacy. I know my partner's passcode too but never use it, unless we're in the car and he's driving. And even then only on his request. You need trust for a relationship to survive." – darthvadercake
This Redditor gave a heartfelt comment about processing grief.
"Hey man, everyone handles grief differently. Some people find solace in having a partner to rely on or direct their emotions to so they can comfort and be comforted. Others can't handle the idea of having another partner like that for a while."
"There is no timeline on grief and no proper way to grieve. It affects everyone differently and everyone responds differently. You are not stupid for processing and healing in your own way, there is no shame in that."
"You can have a relationship after the passing of a partner, that isn't wrong nor a bad thing. Just because society tells you or leads you to believe there is a proper way you should be acting, or tells you to wait x years before dating, don't listen. You do what you want to do, and more importantly what you need to do. Not what someone else believes you should do."
"I am very sorry for your loss, losing my partner absolutely terrifies me. I cannot imagine what you have been through and dealt with and I know it was a little while ago but still, I know pain just doesn't up and disappear. Not to mention when you lose valuable mementos, I am so sorry for that loss as well."
"That was cruel and wrong on your gf's part and it also speaks to her maturity level. You deserve someone who values what you had with your late wife and someone who understands she is not a replacement nor is she competing to be your 'biggest love'. Just someone who loves you and knows that you love her."
"The respect should be there and in my opinion, it needs to be there. I don't think your gf will ever have that."
"Always do what is best for you, not what others think is best for you. This is your life and you gotta live it your way. I wish the very best for you man, you deserve it. NTA" – reaperr99
In an update, the OP expressed his gratitude for the supportive comments and shared his plans for the future.
"Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I'm taking your advice and kicking her out of my life for good. I'm also going to my local tech store later as they said there might be a way to recover my photos. I love you all !"
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.