Cooking is an art, and not everyone is an artist.
But is there a right way to tell someone they’re a horrible cook?
A husband struggling to get through to his wife before she gives someone food poisoning turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Rare_Plastic4708 asked:
“AITA for telling my wife she can’t cook?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (29, male) have been with my wife (28, female) for 8 years, and meals are just about the only place of contention in our marriage, but I’m scared she’s going to kill someone one day.”
“Background: we split the cooking in our house 50/50, but when she cooks, I feel like I have to watch her like a hawk. She undercooks almost everything, especially meat, and no matter how often I try to politely correct her, she claims I’m being ‘picky’.”
“For example, every time she makes rice, I just can’t convince her it’s 1 part rice to 2 parts water. She always says, ‘Are you sure? That seems like a lot of water’. Or ‘Maybe that’s how you like it, but I don’t want it so mushy’.”
“The package and Google won’t convince her either, and I just swallow my pride and eat the crunchy rice every time. It’s like that with everything. Pasta, veggies, bread, meat…”
“The thing is, I wouldn’t care so much if it was just me, but she always wants to cook for our friends. She really prides herself on her cooking and wants to make everything herself.”
“I just trail behind her, trying to make sure it’s all edible, but there’s usually a few dishes that end up drastically over salted or undercooked. Our friends will politely eat, but I noticed they’ve been coming to fewer and fewer invitations for dinner.”
“Things all came to a head the other night when she went to put some chicken in the oven as I was hopping in the shower. When I came out, she had pulled the chicken out and said dinner was ready.”
“I was skeptical and told her that it had only been like 10 minutes. She said she pan-seared it first so it was fine, but when I came to look, the sides were literally pink.”
“I snapped a little and told her she’s going to kill someone one day from serving them raw meat. Can’t you see that it’s pink? That’s food safety number 1.”
“She said she thought it was done, and it’s not her fault; her mother never showed her how to cook chicken growing up. I then told her, ‘Well you’re almost thirty, that’s no excuse for not knowing how to cook at all’.”
“Needless to say, she was pretty upset with me, and I probably could’ve been nicer. But I’ve been nice about it for 8 years, and nothing has changed.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I think I might be the a**hole because I told my wife she can’t cook when it’s something she really prides herself on.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. But this behavior is so confusing to me: ‘She said she thought it was done, and it’s not her fault, her mother never showed her how to cook chicken growing up’.”
“So where in the world is her undeserved confidence coming from?”
“I just can’t resolve ‘never being taught how to cook’ with assuming everyone else knows less than you about cooking.” ~ StAlvis
“I wasn’t taught how to cook either, but I can read and follow instructions so that my rice isn’t crunchy. And I still learned that chicken isn’t supposed to be pink in the middle or it can make you sick.”
“And seriously, Google. Why would you ever just wing it with all the resources we have at our fingertips?” ~ bluerose1197
“Plus you can literally find videos on everything. I’ve watched videos on everything from slicing individual vegetables to cooking complicated full meals.”
“If you have a question about food prep, I can almost guarantee someone out there has made a video on it.” ~ Adventurous_Ad_6546
“Exactly. I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 16. I had NEVER cooked meat from scratch, let alone chicken.”
“So when I made dinner for my boyfriend’s parents and my mother, I bought a thermometer and religiously followed food safety regulations to not cross-contaminate the raw chicken with the veggies.”
“I can’t imagine seeing raw chicken and thinking that it’s somehow done. Where on earth is she pulling this self-confidence she has in her cooking from?” ~ CheshireKatt1122
“It takes a lot of audacity to claim you were ‘never taught’ when you’ve spent years brushing off someone who is trying to teach you.” ~ justlurkingnjudging
“OP’s wife has tapped that long sought-after source of audacity—it appears it is bad, no matter in which gender it manifests.”
“In all seriousness, crunchy rice? I could not.”
“One guy tried serving me undercooked pasta, the strands where literally still horizontal in parts when I picked it up with a fork. I asked if we could put them back to cool for a few minutes, but it was like he was on a powertrip to prove to me that he was right.”
“I watched him eat crunchy pasta, and shortly after, we broke up. Don’t mess with my food.” ~ Mesapholis
“My husband had to take over the kitchen permanently after my back surgeries and permanent pain issues, and, OMG, it was awful. Crunchy rice, undercooked pasta, undercooked potatoes, mushy vegetables, the list goes on.”
“He did proteins well, though. I finally had to sit him down and explain that I’m not being critical, I’m giving him constructive criticism in order to make the food better.”
“Once he accepted that, his cooking got much better. Nothing fancy, but good food. He even follows recipes I find.”
“He had to stop baking gluten-free cookies, though. We were gaining weight because they were so good.” ~ blueyejan
“I highly recommend the Alton Brown videos. He has a scientific approach to cooking and explains the why behind things.”
“He can help make sure the poultry is cooked to the exact right temp, even how to get the white meat and dark meat cooked to slightly different temperatures.” ~ Sea_Yesterday_8888
“NTA, mate. You’ve been patient for eight years—that’s a long time to be chewing on crunchy rice and dodging food poisoning.” ~ ruyrybeyro
“NTA. Maybe try suggesting you two watch the TV show Worlds (America’s) Worst Cooks. They have contests that cook very similar to your wife battle and learn cooking while learning food safety.”
“SO many people on that show think chicken is fine when it’s pink.”
“What worries me is her stubbornness when you try to reason with her. Is she like this in other aspects of the marriage?” ~ CryptographerLost407
“NTA, but you really should have been sincere much sooner. While intending to be kind, you’ve allowed her to go several years thinking her food is edible when it’s not. You’ve only put your foot down when not doing so might have put you in the the hospital.”
“In your defense, I think there are some people who just cannot admit, even to themselves, that they are wrong and the other person knows better—and this sounds like what your wife is like about cooking.”
“Nevertheless, the answer is telling her you’re sorry, but you think that being fully honest about her cooking can be the only way forward. Sometimes, it’s barely edible. Sometimes, as with the under-cooked chicken, it is literally dangerous. That could have put you in the hospital.”
“She can be upset as much as she wants about being told this and be in denial of it, but you can no longer just bite your tongue and eat it after she denies what you say. The limit of politely pretending when she won’t listen has finally come.”
“You can’t do it anymore. You love her, but her cooking is what it is. The answer is for her to swallow her pride and go back to square one.”
“Ask her how she’d feel if you kept ignoring warnings about how to wash clothes and ended up ruining clothing every time you washed anything that needed special care. Would she say nothing and just wear the shrunken or discolored clothes you’d destroyed? No?”
“That’s what she’s like with food except that raw meat can make you severely ill. It’s not a matter of looking like a clown when you leave the house in ruined clothing, but of leaving the house in an ambulance. That’s not an exaggeration. She should look up what eating raw chicken can do to you.” ~ kurokomainu
“Maybe both of you take a basic cooking class together as some sort of couples thing? I don’t know what to do about someone who won’t agree rice is a 2 to 1 ratio when the packaging even says so.
“This is a call back to the OP showing her the package instructions and the wife sticking to her ratio that makes crunchy rice. Not a debate on the perfect rice ratio.”
“Possibly sit down with her when NOT cooking or eating and say, look let’s fix this cooking situation. You say your mother never taught you how to cook.”
“I was harsh and said you should know by now. Are you actually open to someone teaching you how to cook?”
“If she says no, then ask her what her solution actually is? If she says yes, then sign up for the cooking classes. NTA.” ~ K_A_irony
“This is the best suggestion, in my opinion. If she’ll go for it, you’ll probably both end up learning something, and it’s a lovely couples’ activity.”
“If not, well, I wouldn’t be eating anything else from Salmonella Samantha ever again.” ~ thisisaniceboat
The OP provided a brief update:
“First off, I didn’t mean to start a rice debate in the comments. I know there’s a million different methods, but my wife has only mastered the ‘burning it in a rice cooker’ method.”
“Thankfully she doesn’t cook it very often. I was just giving an example.”
“But I like the idea of a cooking class for us both. I think her issue with not listening to my advice stems from her thinking I don’t know much about cooking, since I didn’t when we started dating.”
“But it’s been years, and I feel somewhat confident in my abilities now. I still burn things every once in a while—I know I’m not perfect.”
“Maybe if she won’t listen to my advice, she’ll listen to someone who does it for a living.”
It sounds like the OP has a good plan in place. No guarantee his wife will agree, but even if the OP goes to a cooking class alone, one of them will learn food safety.