There are both written and unwritten rules for what is considered appropriate to wear to a wedding.
Many wedding invitations include a dress code or instructions to wear specific colors.
While a given rule is never to wear white to a wedding, as it might draw attention away from the bride.
But what if the bride doesn't wear white?
Redditor BroadwayShadow was excited to attend the wedding of a friend she had been somewhat out of touch with.
Upon arriving at the wedding, the original poster (OP) was surprised to see that her friend's bride did not wear a white gown.
In fact, her gown matched the color of the OP's, which did not please the OP's friend at all.
Wondering if she was worthy of her friend's wrath, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for wearing red to a friend's wedding?"
The OP explained why her choice of dress for her friend's wedding saw her friend literally seeing red:
"First post here, but this happened a month ago or so but I can't stop thinking about it."
"I (22 F[emale]) attended a friend from high schools (23 F) wedding to her (22 F) wife, and I wore red."
"For anonymity I'm going to refer to my friend as Mia and her wife as Sarah."
"Mia and I were super close from kindergarten through high school."
"After high school she went to college across the country and I stayed in state and we fell out of touch."
"She stayed out there every summer, so I literally hadn't seen her in four years."
"I saw her post a picture of a ring saying she was engaged and I commented a congratulations. To my surprise I got an invite in the mail a few weeks later."
"I was shocked that she thought to invite me but I was excited to see my friend after so long."
"The day of the wedding comes and I wore a red/maroon floor length dress."
"I took my seat and waited for the bride to come down the aisle."
"Mia came down first and looked stunning, and then to my surprise Sarah came down the aisle in red."
"Sarah, as it turns out, is Chinese and their wedding was a mash up of American and Chinese traditions."
"Don't get me wrong, Sarah looked stunning, and her dress was way more detailed than mine, but I didn't know they were doing a mashup wedding, much less that Sarah was Chinese."
"Mia is a private person who doesn't post that often, and their engagement post was a black and white photo of hands!"
"After the ceremony, Mia came up to me, quite upset, and asked where I had the audacity to wear red to a Chinese wedding."
"I tried to explain to her that I had no idea the wedding was gonna have Chinese elements, like the bride wearing red, much less the fact that Sarah was Chinese to begin with."
"She had never posted a picture of her, to my knowledge, and I didn't stalk her Instagram/Facebook to find pictures because I didn't think it would be a problem."
"I ended up crying and leaving the reception early."
"If I had known she was planning on wearing red, I would never have worn it."
"If I'm being completely honest, my dress was plain red, no pattern or gems or lace or anything, and Sarah's dress was very detailed and downright stunning, and I don't think I could have outshone her anyway."
"I've tried to call and text to apologize, but I haven't heard anything back."
"So am I the AH for wearing red to a wedding, with no knowledge that the bride would also be wearing red?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wearing red to Mia's wedding.
Everyone agreed that if the OP had no warning about not wearing red, then Mi couldn't blame her for doing so, with others pointing out that guests wearing red at a Chinese wedding isn't even that uncommon:
"NTA."
"I was reading the title thinking 'only if it was a Chinese wedding'."
"But no one told you it was a Chinese wedding!"
"Mia should have known to tell you if they didn't want people to wear red, since you hadn't even met Sarah (as far as I can tell)."- Cascadeis
"NTA."
"If they did not want their guests wearing red, they should have specified on the invites."-MathematicianSad859
"NTA."
"You didn't know, plain and simple."- 0biterdicta
"NTA."
"Unless, of course, there was a request for guests not to wear certain things."
"At this point, you need to move on and close the book on this friendship, as I don't think either of them will be contacting you."- Terminal_Lucridity
"NTA."
"They should have mentioned it on the invite."- Violet351
"NTA."
"You didn't have that information."- ServelanDarrow
"NTA."
"Obviously, because you had no idea."
"Mia was incredibly rude to harangue you about this."
"There's etiquette for wedding guests, but there is ALSO etiquette saying nobody should hassle guests who violate a minor guideline like this."
"This is what irritates me when people flip their lids over guests wearing casual white dresses to Western weddings."
"It's a violation of etiquette for the guest to wear that, and it's also a violation of etiquette to point it out and make a scene."
"You're supposed to judge in silence, lmao."- clairejv
"NTA!"
"Been to plenty of weddings and most specify what the dress code is on their wedding website/invite."- Silent-Working3803
"NTA."
"It is on the wedding-havers to make the guests aware if there are going to be obscure cultural hangups and booby traps like this."- Fiempre-sin-tabla
"NTA."
"Lol not wearing the same color as the bride is mainly an American thing."
"Not wearing red too (old custom though)."
"In Chinese culture, it's fine, red is lucky, even encouraged."
"Avoid full white (funeral attire) and black (unlucky), and just don't outshine the bride by wearing a wedding dress."- believingunbeliever
"NTA."
"You didn't know like lol."- idontlikeshowers
"NTA."
"The obvious thing was to exercise common sense and specify a dress code of no red or white."
"The brides failed to do so."
"And even if you had known one was of Chinese heritage, it does not mean you would know about the red."
"What horrible behavior from your so-called friend."- Individual_Metal_983
"NTA!"
"My Chinese MIL wore a red dress to my wedding - red is lucky in Chinese culture, plus they don't have the taboo of wearing the same color as the bride."
"It doesn't make sense to mash cultures and then expect you to magically predict which bits of each they're using!"- oceanview2017
"NTA."
"You didn't know!"- Nermal_Nobody
"NTA."
"And that's the kind of thing you specify on invites."
"For example, I literally got an invitation this morning for a friend's wedding and they specified guest wear white."
"And that's the kind of thing you HAVE to specify because otherwise I'd have avoided it completely and stood out like a sore thumb."
"Especially if you're not super close, it seems like a thing to mention."
"In western weddings, it's common knowledge to avoid white, and that's pretty easy, but red is a normally accepted color unless you know it's a multicultural wedding."
"I wouldn't let this bother you too much tbh."- GuacGoddess7
"NTA."
"I have reported to wearing black to weddings because every color anyone wants to wear ends up being wrong."
"I'm so over this, and I hope you are too."- FinanciallySecure9
"NTA."
"Communication is a thing, and it should have been noted on the invite."
"Especially if they're inviting people who don't know the other half of the couple."
"There are many nationalities and cultures on the planet, and if you were to automatically assume that the other person could be any of those, then what color would be safe to wear while not offending one or both of the couple?"
"UNLESS, the couple told their guests?"- SunMoonTruth
"While I vote NTA, red is also seen as a 'I slept with one of the people getting married' so I always avoid wearing a red dress to a wedding to avoid that potential drama."
"That being said, you had no way of knowing."- Little_Emu_
"NTA."
"She was wrong."
"She was wrong to not communicate either on the invite or reach out to each person to ask them to please refrain from wearing red and why."
"You're not a mind reader."
"And even if you did know her fiancé was Chinese, what if you had no knowledge of certain traditions to know that wearing red would be an issue in that case?"
"If she had communicated that wish and you chose to ignore it, that would be a different story."
"But that's not what happened here."
"If she can't see that, then that's her fault and her problem."
"Don't reach out to her again."
"If and when she responds and is understanding and apologetic about not communicating clearly, then perhaps there's a chance for the friendship to be reignited but otherwise, just let it go."
"You did nothing wrong."- flynena-3
No one should outshine the bride on her wedding day.
However, since it sounds like the OP wore a simple red dress and Sarah wore an elaborate one, there wasn't any risk of that happening.
Had Mia warned the OP and all other guests of this, there would have been no risk whatsoever.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.