We're all human here and we all make mistakes, sometimes some pretty big ones.
Also, some family genes run very strong, leading some family members to bear striking resemblances to one another.
While both of these statements are true, most people will not make such an insufferable mistake to assume that a man fathered his nephew just because they resemble each other, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit
Redditor PotentialTwos was taken aback, disgusted, and furious all at the same time when his wife demanded that he take a paternity test to prove that he was not the father of his sister's son.
But when she refused to let go of the fact that he and his nephew looked alike, the Original Poster (OP) lashed out at his wife for making such a weird claim.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for snapping at my wife and calling her crazy because she wants me to take a paternity test for my nephew?"
The OP was very close to his sister and preteen nephew.
"My wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 14. We are child-free."
"I also have a nephew who's currently 13, and I'm not going to lie, he looks a lot like me and has a lot of the same facial features as me."
"I am really proud of him, and we have a close bond. I have played a father-like role in his life since he was a kid. He has a deadbeat father, and my sister divorced him long ago."
The OP became alarmed by how insecure his resemblance to his nephew made his wife.
"A couple of my family members have commented on how my nephew looks a lot like me, and while I initially thought it was wholesome, my wife, for some reason, became very insecure and started getting doubts."
"She was questioning why I needed to play such a prominent role in my nephew's life, why my nephew had autism, etc."
"The insinuations just became weird and made me uncomfortable."
"I do agree that my sister has played some part in my wife's insecurities because of her dry humor."
"During family gatherings, my sister jokes a lot about how wholesome it is that her son looks like me and that she couldn't be happier. It's obviously a joke, but I spoke to my sister and asked if she could tone it down a bit because it was making my wife a bit crazy."
But then the OP's wife took her worries too far.
"However, last night, my wife asked if I could take a paternity test just for her peace of mind."
"That's when I finally snapped, called her crazy, and told her that marrying her was the biggest mistake of my life."
"I immediately regretted saying it because I meant none of it. My wife is the love of my life."
"But my wife got quiet and started crying shortly after, and I had to console her."
"Was I the AH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disgusted and suggested the wife take at least one biology class.
"Your wife's new homework is to learn and master Punnett Squares." - Beginning-Square-4607
"My sister and I look a lot like our cousins, as in my father's older brother's kids. It's to the point that people in the past said the four of us look like sisters. We have also been told we look a lot like our fathers."
"If some family member or anyone had suggested something like this, we all would have laughed super hard. Especially given that when all the cousins were conceived, my father and his brother lived more than 1000 miles away from each other. There clearly must have been a teleporter involved (sarcastic comment)." - Sleipnir82
"My daughter looks more like my sister than me, and my sister and I look nothing alike. She looks more like my mom's side of the family, and the rest of us look more like my dad. Genetics is a strange thing." - JaimeLW1963
"There's this semi-well-known family in my town, and I swear to god, ALL the girls in this family have the same face. Like, I can walk by them on the street and instantly know, 'Oh, that's a Smith girl.' It's kinda creepy, to be honest."
"I went to school with two of the girls and worked with one of the second cousins of my classmates, and yeah, they still look alike even though they're kinda distantly related, lol (laughing out loud)." - ladynutbar
"She needs to study Punnett Squares AND go to therapy."
"It's disturbing how many people are completely uneducated when it comes to the human body as well as genetics. There is a frightening number of men and women who do not understand what a period is or how it works, let alone that traits such as eye color and facial features will occur in siblings and their kids due to genetics."
"Get the woman a solid education AND then address everything in therapy." - DitzyKat105
Others agreed but also pointed out that this would be a relationship-breaker for them.
"Sorry, but if someone accused me of sleeping with my sibling, I'm gonna say some kinda something to them. It won't be pretty. She doesn't get to cry and act like she did nothing wrong."
"NTA, and love-of-your-life or not, your wife thinks you slept with your sister. How do you come back from that?" - BeachinLife1
"An accusation of 'ordinary' cheating is bad enough for a marriage and can definitely justify some not-so-nice words. Throw incest into the mix, and yeah..."
"OP's wife is definitely in the wrong here. She needs to pull her head out of her a** and apologize. Then she should probably seek therapy." - HoldFastO2
"Your wife needs therapy and an education, and she's also totally deserving of a strongly-worded divorce. How dumb do you have to be to not understand that a nephew looking like an uncle makes perfect sense without the need for incest?" - JarbaloJardine
"My eldest looks like my aunt. While I have jokingly said she used me as a surrogate, no one believes it. That would be about as crazy as thinking you had an incestuous relationship with your sister."
"Your sister has the same genetic pool to draw from as you did. There is no big surprise about family resemblances."
"NTA, but I'm not sure I could stay married to someone that distrusts me that much. To accuse you of an incestuous affair with your sister, while you were dating her... does she even like you?" - Suitable-Tear-6179
"Let's pretend she goes to therapy and apologizes, and let's pretend OP decides to personally forgive her."
"How does OP ever trust her around sister or nephew again? How does he ever trust that she won't burst out with insane accusations and anger his sister or traumatize his nephew?"
"Personally, I'd be calling the divorce lawyer because even if I thought she could make it up to me, I don't think she could make it up to my family, and I wouldn't ever be able to trust her again." - themcp
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"Hey everyone, here is quick update. The gist of it is that I've agreed to take the test but under certain conditions."
"I understand my wife is being paranoid and delusional, but I want to take the test just to ease whatever irrational fears she has. Sometimes these fears have no logic, and I too have had some irrational fears before, and there was no logic in them."
"I spoke to my sister about it today, and she was obviously pretty angry at my wife. However, my sister and I discussed it at length, and she agreed to the test under certain conditions."
The OP had three conditions for taking the test that his wife had to accept beforehand.
"I spoke to my wife after and told her I would take the test under some conditions. My wife was very happy that I had agreed to take the test, and I then told her the conditions."
"The first condition was that she had to stop these insinuations immediately. My wife immediately agreed to it."
"The second condition was that there would be no more arguments about me spending time with my sister and nephew. My wife and I have had some arguments over the years where she asks why I spend so much time at their house. My wife agreed to the condition, although she took some time to think about it."
"The third and final condition was that I had the liberty to go on vacations with my sister and my nephew, without my wife being there. I told my wife upfront that my sister doesn't want her to come on these vacations anymore because of her accusations. My wife was a bit more hesitant about this, but she ultimately agreed to it."
"That's probably my final update. Thanks everyone for the advice."
Fellow Redditors were surprised that the main condition wasn't a stack of divorce papers.
"Honestly, if I agreed to take the paternity test, the results would come with divorce papers." - Jay7488
"For me, divorce papers would have to be a condition, and I wouldn't tell her the divorce papers are coming, either. I'd just be like, 'Congrats! I'm NOT the father, and you're NOT my wife!'" - Afraid-Information88
"Fine, I'll take the test, but the condition is that you sign these papers uncontested."
"I give the wife six months until the next vacation that she cannot attend before throwing a fit. It would be better to cut your losses now when she's agreeable and somewhat apologetic." - jxher113
"This is beyond jealousy or suspicion. It's disgusting and I do NOT see how you come back from it. Your SPOUSE accused you of INCEST with your sister. That accusation will forever be an aspect of your relationship."
"I mean, what could she even say when the results come back negative (assuming she believes them)? 'Whew, glad that's behind us. Want to go apple picking this weekend?' This cloud will never lift. I'm really sorry." - Fancy_Average5440
"Lol (laughing out loud), dude, it's not gonna matter what the test says. Your wife has an irrational delusion in her head and will go through whatever mental gymnastics she needs to justify it."
"The test is not going to help. If anything, it's going to get worse, especially based on the conditions you set. She'll just assume the test was inaccurate or that you're still doing stuff with your sister even if the kid isn't evidence of it (shudder)."
"Save the money for the DNA test and just spend it on the lawyers. Your wife thinks you are incestual, and on top of that, you don't practice safe incest. I don't know how you move past that." - Agoraphobe981
The subReddit was disturbed by the mental gymnastics the OP's wife had gone through to reach this conclusion, when it's perfectly normal for nieces and nephews to look like their aunts and uncles because of gene pool they share.
Even though it was obvious to the subReddit that the paternity test was going to come back negative and that there was nothing nefarious going on, they couldn't see how the wife could ever apologize enough to make this right with her husband, let alone her husband's family.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp