We always want to be there for our friends and loved ones, and offer them whatever help we can.
However, it is also important to remember, particularly those who have an innately giving nature, that one must also look out for themselves.
Even when we feel an obligation towards others, sometimes we must make our own health and well-being a priortiy.
No matter how much others might disagree.
Finding herself in severe pain, Redditor throwara75965 knew she needed medical attention and scheduled an appointment.
the original poster (OP)’s husband, however, felt that she was needed elsewhere, and didn’t think her ongoing pain was a priority.
When the OP ignored her husband’s demands and sought out medical help regardless, he was expectedly furious.
Wondering if she was in the wrong, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for still going to my dental appointment after my husband tried to get me to reschedule?”
The OP first explained how after her husband’s friend became injured, he insisted that he move in with them, resulting in the OP becoming an involuntary caregiver, in spite of an ongoing health issue of her own.
“So I (34 F[emale]) was having a horrible toothache.”
“I’d taken medication to ease the pain but it was bad, like you-need to go-to the dentist level of bad.”
“I scheduled an appointment and was told to come yesterday.”
“My husband’s (37 M[ale]) best friend “Terry” (33 M) got into an accident and injured his knee.”
“He has been staying with us for several weeks.”
“My husband looks after him as he sees him living alone and in need of assistance.”
“I welcomed him to our home but found myself having to clean up after him and bring him his medication and also cook for him.”
“And if I take a long time to get something done he’d call my husband and basically ‘tell on me’ which makes my husband mad.”
“He says it’s temporary and also since I’m home 24/7 and he is the working then I should help caring for his friend.”
“It has became quite overwhelming because now I can’t leave the house if my husband isn’t there with his friend.”
So concerned was the OP’s husband with his friend, that he didn’t seem to care that she needed medical attention immediately, resulting in her taking matters into her own hands, and infuriating her husband.
“Like I stated previously about the dental appointment, I told my husband the night before and he pitched a hissy fit saying I can’t leave Terry home alone.”
“I suggested he take time off work and stay with him but he said it wouldn’t work with such a short notice.”
“He suggested that I reschedule but I said no.”
“Even showed him how bad the swelling was, yet he told me to hold on for another day.”
“He went to work early and I decided I was still going to go.”
“Terry was in the living room, he sleeps on a large mattress in the living room, and saw me making my way out as mom was waiting at the door.”
“He asked where I was going and I told him to the dental appointment.”
‘He had an attitude and raised his voice at me telling me to go back upstairs and cancel. mom stepped in and started arguing with him asking who he think he is, he went on about how he was unable to move and then threatened to call my husband if I stepped a foot out the door.”
“I took my mom and left.”
‘He ended up calling my husband who then tried to call me over and over for 2 hours til I turned my phone off.”
“Instead of returning home, I went to stay with my mom because I was in tremendous pain and my husband started yelling at me calling me stubborn for still going after he told me to reschedule and irresponsible for leaving his injured friend home alone.”
“Mom told him off which escalated the argument between us.”
“He is now currently staying at home along with his friend while constantly pressuring me to stop hiding behind mom and come deal with the results of having him leave his job for hours after I blind sided him and went against his wishes.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for going to the dentist against her husband’s wishes.
Everyone was shocked by her husband’s apparent complete lack of sympathy, and were horrified by his controlling behavior, with several urging the OP to question if it’s in her best interests to remain in this marriage.
“NTA.”
“The complete lack of respect both of these men have for you is breathtaking.”
“A grown man tattling about not being served fast enough?”
“And your husband takes his side?”
“I know people hate the ‘Reddit tells people to divorce’ trope, but this situation shows such a fundamental lack of care or respect for you.”
“It tells you everything about his character, and the character of someone he’s chosen as his ‘best friend’.”
“I don’t see how you come back from this.”
“By the way, severe tooth pain is an urgent issue.”
“People have died from dental abscess complications.”
“I don’t know if that’s what was going on with you, but your husband was literally willing to risk your health to make his asshole baby friend happy.”- crockofpot
“NTA.”
“Your husband is.”
“He’s turned you into a carer for his buddy without asking and Terry is a grown man that tattles on you for not doing more when you’re doing plenty.”
“He expects you to neglect your own physical health when you’re in pain to cater to his friend.”
“Not gonna lie, when I read that the friend raised his voice and told you to go upstairs and cancel I got some second hand rage.”
“Who the f*ck does this guy think he is?”
“You’ve been more than accommodating.”
“There’s an old saying: Fish and guests start to stink after 3 days.”
“Terry gotta go.”
“And your husband needs an attitude adjustment if he wants to stay married to you because his current approach seems intolerable.”- CrystalQueen3000
“NTA and don’t go home.”
“‘Face the consequences?'”
“These aren’t the words of a husband, they’re the words of a slave driver.”
“Your husband, who should be supporting you, is acting like Terry is the only important person in the house, aside from him, and you should put everything on hold to wait on Terry hand-and-foot, while your own needs are of no consequence.”
“Terry, it appears, also thinks you are his servant.”
“The fact that your husband berates you if Terry is the least bit put out tells me he values Terry much more than you.”
“Apparently, the fact you were in incredible pain was of no matter to him, though I’ll bet if it was his toothache, he would have gone to the dentist ASAP.”
“Get a police escort to go to your home and get your things.”
“And then, it’s time to consider filing for divorce.”
“You want nothing more to do with this man, or Terry.”- ChapSteve711
“NTA.”
“Stay with your mom, don’t go back.”- yeags84
“NTA.”
“He’s 33 with an injured knee, not 97 and on his deathbed.”
“Since your husband and Terry are on the same side just give Terry your ring, clearly your husband loves him more, jeez.”- KillerRayne17
“NTA.”
“Our husband is abusive and his buddy seems to be even worse.”
“They can look after each other while you hopefully think hard if this is what you want to get back to or worse what the rest of your life will probably look like.”- drakkya
“NTA!”
“WTH does Terry think he is?”
“He is a grown A$$ adult who should be able to be alone for a few hours.”
“Hubby and Terry can figure it out on their own.”
“I had ankle surgery and was non weight bearing for 6 weeks and I managed on my own for a few hours.”- lynncross2001
“NTA!”
“This is outrageous!”
“You can’t leave dental problems to fester like that, pain notwithstanding.”
“What is the matter with your husband?”
“Even w/o the dental issue his behavior, not to mention Terry’s, is outrageous!”
“Demanding you wait him hand & foot, then ‘telling on you’ when service isn’t up to snuff?”
“That alone raises major red flags as to how little he values you.”
“But demanding you delay an emergency dental appt, with not only pain but swelling?”
“You obviously have an impacted tooth, an infection that could become systemic, cause heart problems, or, if not, do lasting damage to your teeth & jaw.”
“And he & Terry want you to delay treatment?”
“I’m even more disturbed by Terry’s behavior.”
“Demanding you go ‘back upstairs & cancel’.”
“What kind of human being demands this of another?”
“Sometimes we do get carried away on behalf of our friends, not that that excuses anything, but what the hell was this entitled dick thinking?”
“I’m so glad your mom was on hand to put Terry in his place, though his ‘place’ really should be anywhere but your home at this point.”
“I’m sorry to have to say this, but your next emergency appt might have to be with a lawyer if there aren’t some serious apologies & changes in the current regime.”
“Sorry you had to endure this.”- deathtofumanchu
Terry is lucky to have a friend like the OP’s husband, showing such care and dedication.
What a shame he doesn’t show the same care and dedication to his wife, the OP.
Maybe some time apart will show him how much he does care about her, and will see him change his ways for the better.
Otherwise, he might consider asking Terry to move in, as the OP likely won’t be coming back.