Many of us worry about getting older: if we will achieve as much as we wanted to, and what we will look like.
These concerns can really put a strain on a relationship, though, considered the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Scared_Brisket4400 found himself in a tough situation recently when his wife repeatedly asked him for feedback on her appearance.
When she didn't appreciate what he had to offer, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he said the wrong thing.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my wife that her hair looks terrible?"
The OP always loved his wife's appearance, as well as her hair.
"For context to my post, my and I are both 38, we have been married for 10 years and together for 13 years."
"About 3 years ago, my wife noticed she had a few gray hairs."
"Her hairstylist dyed my wife's hair blonde and put some very big highlights in. My wife says the big highlights hide the grays from her fresh not dyed roots where it grows."
"She also had her hairstylist cut it, give her bangs and cut the hair around her face shorter because it would hide wrinkles. I never noticed my wife having wrinkles but she said she did."
"The new hairstyle was a big change because before her hair was a bit longer, black and she didn't have any bangs or short parts."
"Personally, I think the blonde doesn't look right on her at all, the highlights aren't natural and if I were her I would not have bangs."
"But she likes it and it makes her more confident, so if she is happy it's enough for me."
But the OP's wife was recently concerned about his feelings about her hair.
"My question comes about because my wife's best friend is getting a divorce and it is not a pleasant one."
'She goes to the same place as my wife to get her hair done. She told my wife her ex-husband said she wasn't as hot as when they got married and made a bunch of general insults about her looks and her hair."
"After this happened my wife started asking me if I'm still attracted to her. I said yes."
"She asked if I liked her hair. I said it makes her happy so I do."
"But she kept asking me if I liked it."
"I don't know why it started after 3 years and the questions about her looks and her hair kept going."
"Especially after she had a virtual book club and wine night with her friends."
The OP's wife repeatedly asked for feedback.
"She kept asking me and my answer was always the same."
"One night she asked me to swear on our daughter's life. Which was ridiculous for something so minor."
"But since she wouldn't stop, I admitted I preferred her old hair color and style without layering or bangs, but I also said if it makes her happy, it's enough for me and a different hairstyle isn't going to change my attraction to her."
The OP's wife did not take this well.
"She is upset with me over that answer."
"She has called me an a**hole to my face."
"She told her friends I insulted her hair (which I did not)."
"She even asked me if I would prefer her sister now because she has black hair but does not dye it or cut it like my wife. I don't know where that came from, her sister is gay and lives in another country. She is perfectly nice but that's it. I've never thought of her like that."
"Should I have lied when my wife asked me to swear on our daughter's life about her hair?"
"Am I wrong for not understanding why hiding gray hair is so important for women?"
"Am I the a**hole for saying I preferred her old hair when she kept asking me and should I apologize?"
"If I was truly wrong, I would apologize for the misunderstanding."
"I do love my wife and I hate that she's mad at me over hair."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was not wrong for answering his wife's questions.
"NTA. Dude your wife asked you to swear on your daughter's life....over hair? That's pretty not ok."
"Furthermore, you've been exceptionally supportive. What this sounds like is her friends pushing their insecurities onto her."
"She kept pushing. You graciously answered. Tbh (to be honest), she's lucky you seem like a very calm individual."
"After being called an AH to my face like that for literally no reason, I'd have basically told her I wouldn't be speaking to her until an apology. She's a grown woman. She needs to not act like a petulant child." - joshthatoneguy
"I agree with the advice generally, and husband should take it to heart."
"But d**n, his wife has a horrendous way of communicating her needs and dealing with her insecurities! Badgering him to give his opinion, making him swear on their daughter's life, calling him an asshole when he didn't pick up on the subtext of her request?!"
"I hope she apologizes to him." - JosieJOK
"The wife harangued him for ages with her neurotic questions, called him an a**hole, and put him on blast with others when she didn't like the honest answer that she demanded."
"There's only so much you can do when someone acts like this. OP is not a mind reader or a saint."
"Some reassurance and care is given. This situation is ridiculous." - Brolonius
Others were concerned the wife was feeling insecure over her friend's divorce.
"Mate, you're missing the point. This was never about hair."
"She's freaking out that she's getting older and thinks that you will stop being attracted to her, like her friend's husband did. She's scared you are going to lose interest and ditch her as she ages."
"When you said that you preferred her old hairstyle, what she heard was that you preferred the younger version of her, that she's less attractive to you now that she doesn't look like she did years ago."
"I know that's not what you meant, but that was the message she took from it. That's why she has gone crying to her friend."
"The best way to salvage this minor debacle is to be as attentive and loving as you can. Talk to her, explain you never meant your comment the way she took it, but that you understand why she was so upset."
"Tell her that she will always be as beautiful to you as the day you met. That she's the best thing that ever happened to you and she'll still be the most beautiful woman you know when you are both in your 80s."
"Because that's what you see when you look at her - the beauty of her soul and the love and the life you have shared together."
"Put it in your own words, obviously, but you get the drift. Physical affection daily - hugs, kisses, little touches. Make her feel safe in the relationship again." - Far_Administration41
"This drama unfolding has to do with the insecurities of getting older, so it is also very much about looks."
"So please add 'beautiful body and looks' or something like this. Otherwise, she might take it as, 'bla bla, but he does not find me physically attractive anymore.'"
"I am 44 [female] and believe me, when it comes to these insecurities of not being 'young and hot' anymore, you as the partner really have it hard to win. Sadly, but women are objected to so much external and thus internal pressure to stay 'attractive and f**kable,' aka thin and young and with firm bodies and without wrinkles that it effs up our minds sometimes."
"Especially when divorces happen in our friendship circles and the man involved trashed his to-be-ex-wife around loss of attractiveness."
"Be physical, be attentive and ensure your wife you love her and do not plan to exchange her with a 'younger model'."
"You are NTA, but be nice to your wife anyways." - MadameMimmm
Though the subReddit could agree that the OP did not do anything wrong in the feedback he gave his wife, the sub was divided on how much more the OP should cater to her feelings.
Some sided with the wife, stating that she was probably feeling insecure because of her friend's divorce. But others viewed the OP and his wife as adults who should be able to have a tough conversation, including their relationship outliving their friend's.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.