Nepotism and so-called nepo babies have been in the news a lot.
Especially when the poster children for nepotism—who've never held a job not handed to them by their parents for the last three generations—keep accusing everyone else of it on social media and mainstream news media.
Most people who don't have a guaranteed job via birth aren't big fans of this form of favoritism. If they needed to be qualified for their job, they think nepo babies should be too.
But what if a business owner says no to handing a family member a job they aren't qualified for? Will they get support for their decision or criticism?
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her stepdaughter failed to measure up in her company's application process.
Nervous_Cheesecake692 asked:
"AITA for refusing to help my step daughter with her fashion career despite owning a fashion company?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My stepdaughter Mia—she's 23 now—and has been dreaming of working in the fashion world since she was young. I was married to her father when she was 15."
"She took many courses to work on herself and I might say she's good at picking fabrics and colors, however, she isn't good at designing. She's a good stylist... but not a good designer."
"The problem with her designs. They are either very bland/been done before or so over the top they aren't practical and can't even be manufactured."
"I started my business like 16 years ago."
"It was very small and low budget, but I was lucky enough to expand it to where it is now. Still not the biggest company out there, but big enough in my region."
"Part of my expansion plan was to hire other young designers, so my team and I are quite selective of who gets the job and who doesn't because the designs are products we sell, so it has to be good and passed by the judgment board."
"Which also means I'm not the sole judge who gets to choose while I most definitely can I prefer to hear what others have and decided with them."
"My husband asked me to have Mia as a designer in my company. From the very start I knew Mia wasn't a good designer, but I told my husband to have her apply for the job and submit her papers for me and the team to look at them and examine her skills."
"I think he was kinda surprised I said 'apply for it' instead of an immediate 'yes,' but he still told Mia, who sent a thank you text for helping her."
"I don't know what exactly my husband told her so she would send a thank you text, but I replied saying that I'll be waiting for her along with the judges to examine her work constructively and wished her luck."
"I honestly don't know to this day if my husband lied to her or if she sent such a text to guilt trip me. I have no clue."
"Anyway, her day came and no one saw her stuff on par with our criteria, so she was sent an email that she wasn't accepted. I have like 20 designers from 2K+ applications."
"Let's just say Hell got loose from here."
"My husband told me how this is nonsense and unfair that I didn't accept her. I told him I'm not the sole decider—I have a system in place full of judges, but he wanted me to bend the system for Mia."
"Getting rejected shouldn't be an embarrassment, and she has to learn that. It helps young designers build a vision for themselves, what companies want, and what is considered good."
"If I did that, my credibility in front of my employees would sink, and I'd lose them eventually. Plus, if Mia got in, her fellow designers won't respect her because she'd only get in for being my relative, not for her skills that are far behind her fellow designers."
"I wanted her to get her shot. Everyone deserves a shot, especially since there are other judges, so maybe she does not impress me, but they like her and enlighten me that there is something about her that I'm not seeing."
"I don't tell someone who wants to apply for my company not to apply."
"We don't do interns. We only hire designers, and they come with their own teams. We also have sales and marketing departments, but that's not what she wants to learn."
"It is a huge risk for me ethically and financially to include Mia. My husband proceeded to tell me the list of courses and work Mia has done to achieve her dream."
"I told him I understand, but she still hasn't got the skills to meet our criteria. She could apply somewhere else and get accepted."
"You're part of the family in things that include family. My business is my business—it is not a family business. I made it and expanded it by myself."
"My own child works as an assistant for a designer in a competitor's company."
"If they or Mia job-shadowed me, they would not be seeing fashion design. They would be seeing marketing and sales. That's not their dream."
"I do not believe in getting connections with a lack of skills. Plus she is not the one who reached out to me, my husband did it for her."
"Did she ask for mentoring? Help? My opinion?"
"No, she asked for a job in my business by having her father talk to me—not even asking me herself. isn't the correct thing to ask me for guidance before demanding a job?"
"She's 23. She can talk to me if she wants to. But she sent her father."
"Mia later sent me a long text of how I failed her and she doesn't wanna see or hear of me anymore."
"I think her receiving constructive criticism from the judges and getting rejected is enough sign she needs guidance, but she threw a tantrum."
"I do not go for nepotism."
"Her request was unreasonable. She wanted to get a job over better designers. She didn't ask for help, she didn't ask for mentoring, she asked to be given a job as a designer."
The OP added:
"Update to answer frequent questions:"
"1-Can she be a stylist/assistant designer? Yes, if she applied she can, however, designers get to choose their staff and team, not me. So it is up to the designer to let go of their current stylist or not or add an extra stylist."
"2-She didn't reach out to me; her father did, so logically, I talked to her father, and when she went to me directly, I told her she would be examined constructively, so it didn't skyrocket her expectations."
"3-Can she be an intern or an amateur designer? No, because we only hire established designers (not students)."
"4-Which is the most important, Mia didn't request help, didn't request mentoring and didn't request opinions—she requested a job at my business."
"5-Since she wanted business I gave her just that. A very professional set up. I expected she'd fail, I wasn't 100% sure as I already stated there are judges."
"I believe that going through the process of professionalism, either getting accepted or rejected, is an experience and process everyone should have."
"6-Yes, I can hire anyone and overstep all my judges. I choose not to because I abide my own standards and morals."
"So while I technically can, bending my set of rules will mark my downfall and hurt my integrity in the industry and with myself."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I didn't accept my stepdaughter Mia in my company. Being a fashion designer has been her dream for so long, and she wanted me to give her an opportunity."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Your husband is delusional. Yes, Mia took courses, she's put in work, but her designs aren't a good fit for your company."
"And how many people graduate from fashion institutes every year? How many of them get a job as a designer right out of the gate? Or ever?"
"It's like designing Alfred Dunner-type clothing but trying to get a job designing for Ann Taylor. It's not going to happen. Her designs might fit somewhere else, but not everyone will be interested." ~ Electrical-Aioli6045
"NTA. Your husband needs to understand that just because she is your stepdaughter, it doesn't mean she will be hired automatically. Good job for showing integrity to your team." ~ Negative-Aide-8806
"NTA—your business, your rules. Some people are happy to hire family, but you have a standard, and she didn't meet it."
"She also sounds very entitled. Imagine expecting a job on the basis of knowing the owner, and upon those expectations not being met, lashing out. Sheesh." ~ OneEyedMilkman87
"NTA. It's okay that she isn't a good fit with your company, maybe she will be a great fit with another one."
"No one would ever flinch if we heard that Vera Bradley didn't get accepted to work for Louis Vuitton. She has a completely separate esthetic and it works for her clientele."
"Stepdaughter needs to learn her life skills. Dealing with rejection is one of them." ~ Notwastingtimeiswear
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the fashion industry really cutthroat with rejections left and right around every corner when you submit something?"
"Getting rejected must definitely sting, but it's a lesson she needed if she's serious about this field. NTA." ~ lalapocalypse
"NTA. I went to fashion school and work for a luxury brand now, and I'd wager more than half the people in my graduating class either don't have a steady job in the field or aren't working in fashion at all.
"I went through some terrible jobs working for horrible people before I landed a decent one."
"If this is how she reacts at the first rejection, she isn't cut out for the fashion industry." ~ maybenomaybe
Encouraging your child's dreams is one thing.
Handing them opportunities they aren't qualified for is another.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp