When one of our loved ones comes home with a new addition to their family, many of us will immediately want to go visit them to meet their youngest.
But sometimes more company is exactly the last thing that the new parents need, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Specific-Sleep-9276 was not on the same page as his wife about wanting to have company over or not, however.
Shortly after returning home with their baby, the Original Poster (OP) wanted to have friends over to play games in order to "have his needs met," which left his wife feeling like hers and their baby's needs were not.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my wife that I'm mad that she didn't let me have my friends over?"
The OP's visit with friends was recently cut short.
"Last Saturday, I went over to a friend's house to hang out with the guys. My wife (who gave birth to our son six weeks ago) also had her friend over to our house. So I finished up at the gym, headed over there, and sat down to play some games."
"After playing for about 30 minutes, my wife called me (her friend was gone by then) and asked if I could come home because a bump on her skin had gotten more painful and she didn't want to be taking care of the baby alone while it was painful for her to stand and walk at this point (previously it only hurt while she was sitting)."
"Obviously, I was disappointed that I have to leave, but it is what it is. So I got up and told my friend who gave me a ride over that I needed him to give me a ride home."
"Everyone was confused and upset that I was leaving, especially since now they were going to be short a person for their game."
The OP came up with an alternate plan.
"On the ride home, I called my wife and suggested that I just bring my friends over to my house instead, that way I could help with the baby whenever she needed me to and I'd still get to hang out with my friends whenever I'm not needed by her."
"She said that she didn't want people over, and we hung up."
"At this point, I was mad. After I got home, I laid down next to her."
"15 minutes of silence. She obviously didn't need me at the moment."
"I finally asked myself out loud, 'What am I gonna do for the rest of the day?'"
"She immediately started crying and saying, 'Are you seriously mad right now?!'
This quickly turned into an argument.
"I told her yes. I wasn't mad that she wanted me home, but I was mad that she wouldn't let me have my friends over when in my mind, it makes no difference to her."
"They'd be out in the living room the whole time, it's not like she's going to be leaving the bedroom anyways since it hurts for her to walk. She has no reason to in the first place when I'll be in the house and will be available at her beck and call."
"She said my priorities were all wrong."
"I told her that she comes before my friends, but that I don't see why I can't be there for her when she needs help, and then also be able to go out into the living room to see my friends when she doesn't."
"That way we're both happy, right? She gets all the help she needs and my Saturday plans that I've been looking forward to all week aren't spoiled."
"She said I didn't get it, that she needed moral support and I wouldn't be able to provide that if my friends were over."
"I didn't understand this, because I knew for a fact that if I came home and just hung out playing games in the living room (when not actively helping her) that she would be fine with that. She even admitted this was true."
"After we argued, she took an ibuprofen and felt no pain at all until the next day."
The OP wondered who was in the wrong.
"Please don't leave negative comments about my wife being a baby or anything. I'm not here to make her look bad or to bash her, I love and care about her a lot."
"I just need to know if I was being a jerk or not."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP's line about making negative comments toward his wife was hilarious.
"YTA and so are your friends. Why on earth would they be confused that you were going home to your wife and newborn?"
"You have a NEWBORN and a wife who hasn't physically healed from the birth yet. You should be at home taking care of the two of them."
"Your job right now is to make life EASIER for your wife. Not harder."
"It's also hilariously optimistic of you to think people are going to say anything negative about your wife." - OrangeCubit
"I'm glad I'm not the only one who found the last line funny. I read that and started laughing immediately."
"OP, you are very much the a**hole here." - Marple1102
"The cackle that exploded out of me when reading that last sentence..." - anxietykilledthe_cat
"I couldn't even fathom why anyone would pick on the guy's wife… YTA without question." - LoudSheepherder7
Others agreed and thought the OP was being inconsiderate of his wife's and baby's needs.
"I don't even have children and know YTA. In what world is it okay for you to bring a group of loud guys over with a healing wife and a newborn in the house?"
"Her one friend being there to look after her and help with the baby (which is your job, by the way), is NOTHING like your friends coming over! She's not up to company after a major medical procedure!"
"It takes a MINIMUM of six weeks to recover from vaginal delivery and eight weeks to recover from a C-section. MINIMUM. Obviously, it's going to take her longer: SHE HAS TROUBLE WALKING!" - MaleficentExtent1777
"A six-week-old newborn has no vaccinations and no immune system. A small gathering at the house is a great way to end up in the children's hospital." - MrsNLupio
"Another Redditor said, 'Her one friend is there to look after her and help with the baby.'
"I want to add, she may be more comfortable with her friend seeing her with crazy hair, haven't showered in a few days, shirt covered in spit up, bra probably non-existent if still trying to figure out the whole deal with breastfeeding (and a six-week-old needs for every couple hours), oldest and baggiest pants, both mom and baby in a diaper..."
"And probably not as comfortable with her husband's friends seeing her like that."
"Plus, her friend was likely there with at least the nominal goal of helping out or looking after the baby for a little bit. Husband's friends would be there with the stated goal of (checks notes) playing a game? So wife would likely feel socially pressured to 'host' those friends more than with her own." - BabyCowGT
"In what world are your friends, who are upset you have to leave to take care of your recovering wife, going to be super chill when you have to pause the game to take care of your newborn?"
"Your whole attitude and lack of self-awareness has me believe that you would tell her 'in a minute' like a teenager and then huff when you had to pause the game."
"You are an adult that decided to have a kid."
"You don't get to act like a kid anymore."
"The kid is now above you on your priority list. Your wife should be at the top as well as she is a human who you swore to love always and she is recovering from pushing a baby out of her body."
"How on earth do you think gaming with your friends is a priority?"
"She wasn't just being crabby for no reason. She is IN PAIN."
"You have no empathy for your wife and no ability to stop for a second and think of anyone but yourself."
"Lord help this woman. Another woman who had a baby with a baby."
"Are you hot? How do men without an ounce of responsibility keep tricking women into being with them? YTA. Obviously." - Quirky_Number4460
"But why should HIS plans be 'spoiled'? Hah! I hate to break it to him, but his plans are spoiled for the foreseeable future. Babies/kids take over your life. They are a wonderful, challenging, beautiful, frustrating plan spoilers. It's so hard and so worth it."
"I was pregnant for d**n near 10 months. Baby didn't want to come out and then wouldn't come out after my water broke. I labored on Pitocin torture for three days, the baby was in danger, and I had an emergency c-section and then lost all the blood in my body."
"Nine blood transfusions later, I survived but was beaten to h**l. Thank god my husband wasn't like OP, wanting his friends to come over and play. Sorry OP, YTA big time!"
"Get your s**t together. You're a dad now. Congratulations on the new baby though. Focus on THAT and helping your wife heal emotionally and physically." - weezulusmaximus
While the OP had told the subReddit not to criticize his wife for her behavior, the subReddit saw nothing to criticize her for. Rather, they took issue with the OP's priorities.
Wanting to spend time with his friends wasn't wrong, but demanding that they be in their private space where his wife was healing was clearly crossing a line.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp