What happens when a lie of omission finds it’s way to the person that you were keeping the information from?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) AITA_Pointhoarder when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for not telling my husband about all my reward points cards?”
OP explained her history and the issue in detail.
“I (29F) have been married to my husband (30M) for 9 years.”
“I am a stay-at-home mom with 4 beautiful children ( 8,6,4,2).”
“My husband makes 150k+ a year but decides where every dollar and cent goes.”
“50% to day-to-day expenses, 25% to the children’s education savings, 10% to family savings, 7.5% to his personal spending and 7.5% to my personal spending.”
The saving had a downfall, though.
“Any bonus he makes or money back from taxes goes immediately into retirement. Doing it this way leaves us no money for vacations or big trips.”
“Since we got married and moved in with each other, I have been completely responsible for all the shopping, whether it is clothes, groceries, furniture, or whatever else.”
“I learned very early on with the help of my mom how to coupon clip and how to use points cards to their maximum potential.”
“I usually get 2 or 3 different reward points and save 10-25% per transaction I do. My husband only knew about the coupon clipping, not the rewards points.”
OP got to the issue at hand.
“For the past 5 years, I have been going on a ‘Girl’s trip’ with my family every year.”
“I have been telling my husband that my sisters, sister-in-laws, mom, and grandma have been paying for me to go since I can’t afford it, but in reality, I have been using the rewards points to pay for the ticket.”
“Using rewards to pay for our groceries and using my difference to pay off my credit cards so that I am able to go on the trip.”
“This year, my brothers, brother-in-laws, father, and grandfather decided to do their own ‘Boys trip’ and invited my husband.”
“My husband told them that unless they can help him as the girls help me, he would have to decline the invite.”
“My brother responded to him with, ‘What do you mean? She says you pay for her to go.'”
“My husband confronted me about the situation, and I confessed to him what I have been doing. ”
“He was extremely hurt saying that with all these points, we could have done a lot more as a family rather than just one person hoarding them all to themselves.”
“And if I set him up with his own credit cards to get even more points, it would have been a lot easier for us to do big family vacations.”
“My entire family has been calling me selfish and a jerk for not being more open about the points, but I feel that work very hard to get to the point levels I have gotten to and that making them more open for use would burn through them quickly and not allow them to be used for bigger things.”
She was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Other Redditors had questions.
“INFO: Why couldn’t you use your personal spending money on these Girls Trips?” ~ chapstickfordummies
“INFO:”
“What have you done in the last 9 years to address this problem in some way other than lying?”
“Does your husband alone decide where every cent goes? Have you talked about budgeting for a trip? Do you get a say in the budget?” ~ Left-Car6520
OP did return to give clarity to her story.
“I wanted to clarify some things before I get to the actual update.”
“Yes, married young.”
“It is a common practice in my religion.”
“We have known each other and have gone to the same church since we were 10.”
“We ‘dated’ while we were teenagers but always knew we wanted to marry each other. He proposed to me the second he saw me after coming home from his mission and we got married 6 months later.”
“This was exactly what I wanted.”
“My husband is not abusive.”
“While he does dictate how much we spend and on what, he doesn’t even look at the accounts, except for maybe once every 3 months.”
“Almost everything is automated.”
“I know more about what goes on in that account than he does. He does not hold the money over me.”
“He is also one of the sweetest, most caring, loving individuals I have ever met.”
“He regularly volunteers for the community and our church, helps out regularly around the house, makes sure to spend time with each of our children, and makes sure I feel loved and wanted.”
“Me being a Stay at home mom is not ‘free childcare’.”
“I am taking the time to watch over my own children.”
“They are as much mine as they are his. Saying it is ‘free childcare’ would be like calling my husband a ‘free gardener’ every time he mows the lawns or calling me a ‘free maid’ every time I clean the house.”
“I agreed to the budget early on. It seemed like a good plan, and we agree that it would change and grow as our family does and he moves on in his career.”
She also took the time to give an update.
“If I filtered all the ‘he is abusive’ posts out of the rating, it is clear that I am the jerk.”
“I honestly don’t know why I lied about it in the beginning, but I know I carried on the lie because of the shame and fear of disappointing or hurting him.”
“When I found a way to go on these Girl’s trips, I was proud of the fact that I was able to do it my own way. Which is why I got selfish with the points.”
“This wasn’t fair.”
“Last night, I made my husband a cup of tea after the kids, and we sat down and talked it out.”
“I talked about my desire to see the world as he has (He went to Italy for his mission) and how I have only ever been to Utah and my own province before going on the Girl’s trips (Most of which were a week in Mexico or on a Cruise).”
“He told me that he wishes that I included him in his plan as he includes me in his.”
“He was hurt that I felt I had to hide the cards or how I am paying for these vacations.”
“He also told me that next year his boss is planning to retire, and he is the next in line for succession. The position would give him more vacation, a larger bonus, and a 50,000/year pay increase.”
“They have just been talking about it this week, and he was waiting for the weekend to tell me.”
“He is happy with our budget the way it is, and with this pay increase, we could use the entirety of it for family vacations.”
“With the addition of the points that he will now help me get, we could probably go on two big trips a year. This made me feel a lot better about the future”
“So this weekend (Thanks to someone who posted that I could be doing better), we are modifying my points gathering, applying for some new cards for him, and planning our first real vacation as a family for next year.”
“I cried when I read a lot of the posts, I felt a lot of shame for how I behaved, but I also felt very sad that anyone could think my husband was abusive.”
“Please ask for more clarification before jumping straight to the ‘He’s abusive’, ‘Leave him’ or ‘Prepare for him to leave you’. Not everyone is like that.”
Others wondered where all the money was going.
“I’m starting to think England’s a lot cheaper than America because if our monthly earnings were over 6k a month me, and my husband would be laughing.”
“I couldn’t imagine being on that much money.” ~ Alive-Armadillo-126
“I think £6k a month would even be an alright amount for London. You’d obviously want to move to the outskirts for an affordable house to suit 4 kids, though.”
“The thing is, OPs mortgage seems low enough for £3k/month to afford mortgage, car payments, fuel, furniture, food, and household repairs, so I dunno if it sounds like they live in a London-type setting.” ~ El_Scot
Some thought there might be bigger problems.
“YTA for lying for 9 years about this.”
“BUT”
“It sounds like this is not an equitable relationship if you don’t get a say in where the money goes.”
“You are not being treated as an equal partner in this relationship.”
“Sounds to me like marriage counseling ought to be budgeted in.” ~ NotaMillenial2day
“Yeah I’m kind of bewildered at the number of people completely writing off how the husband has full and complete control of the money.”
“Obviously, OP is wrong for lying, and budgeting is a very important life skill.”
“But there’s a line.”
“And from the information that we have, it seems like OP has 0 say in the family budget. I have to go with ESH” ~ TheSecondEikonOfFire
Lies always find us eventually, and when they do, the damage they cause can be difficult to manage.