Redditor carefulosophy6 is a husband and father to a baby girl.
He is upset because his wife made a unilateral decision involving their daughter’s body after they had an unresolved discussion about her appearance.
The husband reacted accordingly in response to the deceit, and now his wife is not on speaking terms with him.
He maintains he did the right thing but visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for removing my baby’s earrings immediately after my wife pierced them?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife and I have a two-month-old daughter, Alicia. We’ve been having the piercing debate since before she was born.”
“She comes from a culture where it’s the normal thing, but I’m just not comfortable with a painful process like that and would prefer to wait until she’s older so she can choose whether to go through that for herself.”
“While we still hadn’t made a decision, my wife went for a day with her family with the baby while I had a few things I needed to sort out.”
“When I got home the first thing I noticed was that Alicia had a pair of gold studs. I demanded to know what had happened and she said they decided to ‘make a day of it’ and just get them done.”
“I felt pure rage and immediately removed the earrings and threw them away. This enraged my wife and she said removing them was ‘totally disrespectful.'”
“She slept in the spare room last night and isn’t speaking to me at all.”
“As far as I’m concerned I did the right thing.”
“She got them pierced without asking me (or more importantly, ASKING ALICIA), so I took them out, because our baby doesn’t need bits of metal sticking out of her ears.”
“AITA?”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole in this situation.
“NTA. This should 100% be your daughter’s decision when she’s old enough to make it herself.” – Downtown-Command-295
“Nta. Whether or not anyone here agrees or disagrees with the morality of getting a babies ears pierced, the problem is that the mom went behind dads back about something they couldn’t agree on.”
“It was a big deal to the dad. This kind of thing needs 2 yes to go through. Mom blatantly disregarded dad. That’s not a respectful marriage.” – Sybellie
“NTA all day, every day.”
“Culture : this is my culture too, I had my ears pierced as an infant but I won’t do it to my child. Any cultural tradition that disregards bodily autonomy is sh*t and deserves to die out.”
“Bodily Autonomy : OP was clear that his concern was for his daughter’s bodily autonomy and that’s what the mother should have been worried about too. She’s an a**hole.”
“Removing the piercings : removing the piercings immediately does not increase the risk of infection. Removing the piercings restores his daughter’s autonomy as they will have a chance to heal and she can decide what she wants to do in the future.”
“Proper piercers generally won’t do babies ears, but will do children’s ears because they can consent. Using a needle barely hurts, while these unhygienic guns not only pose health risks but they hurt a lot more. I know- I’ve had several done both ways.”
“Finally, as I mentioned I had my first piercings done as an infant, they will never close back up no matter how long I leave them out.”
“Ears grow and piercing them as a baby often leads to wonky placement. I can’t get mine correctly placed because I already have holes there people put in me against my will.”
“One of the most important lessons you can teach your daughter is that her bodily autonomy is important. When my daughter asks me why she doesn’t have her ears pierced when her cousins and friends do I look forward to explaining that I left the choice up to her because it is her body- that her autonomy was more important than my wants, wishes or culture.”
“Women and girls are human beings, not objects to be decorated for our viewing pleasure. OP is a great father knowing this and working hard to ensure it’s followed.” – FoodBabyBaby
“NTA. I’m of the opinion that a cultural norm that impedes another persons bodily autonomy is not a cultural norm worth following – especially ones that can cause long term damage.”
“My ears were pierced as a baby and I really wish they hadn’t been – the holes are uneven because my ears grew over time, and one hole is constantly painful/agitated and never heals over, likely damaged from the abomination that is a piercing gun.”
“It would’ve been nice to make the choice myself and be able to go to a proper piercing shop to do so – instead I have constant problems from having a piercing gun used on me when I could not consent.”
“Your wife knew your feelings on this and did it behind your back as a ‘better to ask forgiveness than permission’ move. She can cry about ‘disrespect’ all she wants but it was disrespectful to you, the childs other parent, to do this behind your back.”
“especially for something entirely aesthetic with multiple potential downsides if done incorrectly. Your daughters wellbeing is more important than her having a shiny rock in her ears.”
“I’m also questioning what the hell kind of place they got her pierced at – 2 months is incredibly young to get piercings done, and chances are good it was done with a piercing gun which can cause horrible damage to the ears (I know this first hand, unfortunately.)”
“Piercing guns also can’t be properly cleaned, they aren’t a safe option – period. Your wife needs to put aside her own wants in favour of your childs safety and wellbeing.” – GenjisWife
“As someone who had their ears pierced as a baby, I also wished my parents waited. My piercings are uneven and has affected my other piercings.”
“I tell people that you should wait but I always get ‘they’re fine.’ Or ‘if they don’t like it they can take them out and they’ll heal.’ Which no they won’t. Not when it’s done by a stud gun.” – CaptainMarv3l
Overall, a majority of Redditors believed the OP had every right to be upset when his wife not only disrespected him with her solo decision but also their daughter, who is still much too young to articulate her interests.