Winter chores and toddlers… that can be a dangerous combination.
The attention that is necessary for both is sometimes overwhelming.
A person can only handle so much at once.
Toddlers and their tantrums are stressful.
And winter and snow are hard labor.
How does one divvy up the responsibilities?
Redditor Lucky129 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for finishing snowblowing after my wife got home with the kids?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (M[ale] 40) was 3/4 through snow blowing our considerably large driveway and sidewalk, when my wife (F[emale] 37) and sons (twins, M 3) got home.”
“The boys were in pure toddler form and were being a handful.”
“I stopped what I was doing and helped get them inside and their winter gear off.”
“After that, because I was already covered in snow and soaked, plus the fact that we are anticipating 8″ (3″ had already accumulated), I figured I would finish ASAP.”
“I went back to it and finished up in about 15 minutes.”
“I came back into the chaos of both boys wailing bloody murder and my wife on the point of boiling over.”
“I stripped my winter gear and rushed into the living room to look after the boys so my wife could tap out.”
“As I passed her, she glared at me and has been ever since.”
“I offered to usher the boys up to our family room so she could be alone and start dinner.”
“She muttered under her breath something about her need for a break, ‘didn’t matter,’ and cold-shouldered me and is freezing me out.”
“I refuse to apologize for something that was not communicated as an issue or expectation.”
“For some context, I always handle the cold-weather chores because of her asthma. We always split dinner cooking and watching the boys, and I usually cook. We are both highly active, engaged parents who are working professionals.
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the a**hole.
“Eh, doesn’t sound like anyone’s the AH here.”
“Sounds like it was a typical stressful day in a family with two small children.”
“Give her a hug, tell her you are sorry she had a tough day, and bond over how hard it is to be a parent of small children together.” ~ Intrepid_Source
“This is the take I had too.”
“She was overwhelmed and accidentally spilled it onto you.”
“Let her know your viewpoint, and you’re here to help.”
“Then follow through.”
“3 can be a tough age, I always felt it was harder than ‘the terrible twos.'”
“Glad to hear you’re chatting it out. NAH.” ~ virtualusernoname
“NTA, but I’ll tell you this isn’t what this argument is about.”
“As a mom of twin 5-year-old boys, I’ll just tell you she is burned out and exhausted.” ~ Perioqueen
“NTA, but I’d order takeout and encourage your wife to take a long bath.”
“She obviously hit the wall.”
“We all have those days.”
“Treat her the way you’d want her to treat you if the scenario were reversed.” ~ LopsidedGrapefruit11
“NAH. Your priority was different than your wife’s.”
“The mistake was running back outside without checking in with her, which means she didn’t have a chance to communicate what she needed in that moment.”
“This isn’t a matter of a**holery, just a lack of communication.”
“Find someone to watch the kids for a night and go for a date, then build in time for her to have a bath or read or whatever.”
“Sounds like you two could use some bonding time.” ~ Grrrrr_Arrrrrgh
“NAH. You weren’t wrong to finish the job, and she overreacted, but you also could’ve offered to order takeout instead of telling her to make dinner (even though you were taking the boys).”
“When one partner reaches their limit, the other partner covers for them.” ~ childproofbirdhouse
“NTA. And neither is she.”
“The real AH are the twins, but that’s kind of their job.”
“This is just one of those nights the parents of twin toddlers have to figure out a way to navigate.”
“I would apologize, not for anything you did wrong, but for the sh*tty way things went down.”
“Try to keep the lines of communication open.”
“And order a DoorDash for dinner.” ~ Popular-Heart-5307
“NAH, but a big oof at ‘I’ll take the boys upstairs so you can start dinner.'”
“Her making dinner is in no way a break.”
“You couldn’t offer to order pizza or something?”
“Just a little tone deaf.” ~ tiffibean13
“NTA. You were doing a chore for the household, not like you were just goofing off.”
“If she wanted you to take the kids for a few minutes, that’s fair, but she should have just said that.” ~ ConflictGullible392
“I’m going with NAH, but just talk to her.”
“I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting to finish snowblowing, but clearly something is bothering her. Is it great that she’s giving you the cold shoulder?”
“No, of course not.”
“But unless this is a common occurrence, it seems like something is going on!”
“And, very gently, sometimes you apologize not because of a clear right or wrong but because you’ve upset your person.”
“I think this is a perfectly acceptable time for a ‘I’m sorry I made you feel that way. You’re clearly upset. Please talk to me about what’s going on.'”
“Sometimes it’s better to extend an apology and then figure out what happened as opposed to being stubborn and letting an issue fester.” ~ One-Connection7073
“So basically, she thinks you should have completely stopped what you were doing after reading her mind, and doesn’t care that you did, in fact, stop what you were doing to step up as a partner and parent your kids before completing the task you were already in the middle of.”
“Nope, you’re definitely NTA on this one.”
“She was understandably overwhelmed; however, I’m quite sure if the situation were switched, she wouldn’t automatically read your mind and leave her task unfinished.”
“Give her some quiet time and let her bring it up when she’s not frazzled.”
“Then you two can talk it out and find a better way of communication when one of you is overwhelmed and needs the other to jump in more.” ~ ARTiger20
“NAH. I remember being a mom of two in diapers, not twins, mind you, but two under two.”
“It was hard on me. It was hard on their dad.”
“We made a vow when our youngest was a newborn to never take anything personally, especially while tired and stressed.”
“This is what you and your wife need to do as well.”
“If you guys hold onto grudges, it will build into resentment.”
“And once you start resenting your partner, it’s game over.”
“Get the kids to bed, and you both relax.”
“If you guys don’t want to talk about what happened today, then it’s fine to go to bed and talk about it tomorrow.”
“But I hope you both learn to communicate better in your marriage for your sakes and your children’s sakes.” ~ SussOfAll06
“NTA. She’s a grown woman and needs to use her words.”
“She was well aware of the task you were doing, so it’s not like you took off to dodge parental duties.”
“I know she probably had a rough day with them, but that wasn’t your fault.”
“’Babe, can you watch the boys for 10-15 minutes while I get settled in and sorted?’”
“Such a simple thing.” ~ HockeyDayz
“Sounds like she was at wit’s end and probably overreacted.”
“NTA, and I’m sure once she calms down, you can have an adult conversation about it.”
“Good luck.” ~ ProfessorDistinct835
“NTA – I’m a wif,e and I get it.”
“Her reaction isn’t called for, and she should have communicated better.”
“Get everyone snacks and send her to have a nap.”
“Don’t have a conversation about it until later and make sure she’s had food and drink.”
“I don’t know your relationship, and I’m certainly not excusing her behavior; don’t blame me.”
“Ask her how her day was, acknowledge her feelings and validate them, and then ask what can be done in the future, because firstly, she needs to communicate, and you also need to finish what you were in the middle of.” ~ bookwormingdelight
“NTA – you did the right thing, and you aren’t a mind reader- I know my husband can’t read my female mind yet or anyone else’s.”
“She should have said something if she needed you sooner.” ~ Lunar-Eclipse0204
“NTA, I think she thought you were a mind reader and understood she needed a break.”
“I think just have a conversation and tell her you just wanted to get the job done whilst you were already wet, etc., and that next time if she can communicate that she’s struggling and needs a short break.”
“This situation is purely a miscommunication.”
“I’ve been there, it’s totally unreasonable, and sometimes we just expect our S[ignificant] O[ther] to know without telling them 😂😂😂.” ~ Some-Energy-9070
“If you were in the middle of a chore, of course, you should continue to snowblow!”
“I am surprised you helped her at all.”
“She sounds like she needs to communicate with you if she expects you to drop what you’re doing when she comes home with the kids.”
“You’re NTA.” ~ HorseygirlWH
“NAH. Next time it happens, though, maybe let the kids stay out with you and blow off some steam!!!”
“You can also get some kid-friendly shovels and have them ‘help.'”
“Cheers 😊.” ~ Able-Primary
OP came back to chat…
“Thanks for the genuine thoughts and funny comments.”
“I didn’t post in lieu of communication, just as a gut check on my emotional blindness that can come with Autism and A[ttention]-D[eficit]-H[yperactivity]-D[isorder].”
“My wife and I are chatting it out now, and the culprit was me making assumptions and her having a couple of hard work days and a snowy commute with rambunctious toddlers.”
“I am ok being TAH for this one.”
“My bad.”
It’s great to hear that everything got worked out, OP.
Reddit was with you, but it sounds like your wife is as well.
It’s always nice to hear that couples can communicate when they want to.
Happy Holidays.