Winter chores and toddlers... that can be a dangerous combination.
The attention that is necessary for both is sometimes overwhelming.
A person can only handle so much at once.
Toddlers and their tantrums are stressful.
And winter and snow are hard labor.
How does one divvy up the responsibilities?
Redditor Lucky129 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for finishing snowblowing after my wife got home with the kids?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (M[ale] 40) was 3/4 through snow blowing our considerably large driveway and sidewalk, when my wife (F[emale] 37) and sons (twins, M 3) got home."
"The boys were in pure toddler form and were being a handful."
"I stopped what I was doing and helped get them inside and their winter gear off."
"After that, because I was already covered in snow and soaked, plus the fact that we are anticipating 8" (3" had already accumulated), I figured I would finish ASAP."
"I went back to it and finished up in about 15 minutes."
"I came back into the chaos of both boys wailing bloody murder and my wife on the point of boiling over."
"I stripped my winter gear and rushed into the living room to look after the boys so my wife could tap out."
"As I passed her, she glared at me and has been ever since."
"I offered to usher the boys up to our family room so she could be alone and start dinner."
"She muttered under her breath something about her need for a break, 'didn't matter,' and cold-shouldered me and is freezing me out."
"I refuse to apologize for something that was not communicated as an issue or expectation."
"For some context, I always handle the cold-weather chores because of her asthma. We always split dinner cooking and watching the boys, and I usually cook. We are both highly active, engaged parents who are working professionals.
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the a**hole.
"Eh, doesn't sound like anyone's the AH here."
"Sounds like it was a typical stressful day in a family with two small children."
"Give her a hug, tell her you are sorry she had a tough day, and bond over how hard it is to be a parent of small children together." ~ Intrepid_Source
"This is the take I had too."
"She was overwhelmed and accidentally spilled it onto you."
"Let her know your viewpoint, and you're here to help."
"Then follow through."
"3 can be a tough age, I always felt it was harder than 'the terrible twos.'"
"Glad to hear you're chatting it out. NAH." ~ virtualusernoname
"NTA, but I'll tell you this isn't what this argument is about."
"As a mom of twin 5-year-old boys, I'll just tell you she is burned out and exhausted." ~ Perioqueen
"NTA, but I'd order takeout and encourage your wife to take a long bath."
"She obviously hit the wall."
"We all have those days."
"Treat her the way you'd want her to treat you if the scenario were reversed." ~ LopsidedGrapefruit11
"NAH. Your priority was different than your wife's."
"The mistake was running back outside without checking in with her, which means she didn't have a chance to communicate what she needed in that moment."
"This isn't a matter of a**holery, just a lack of communication."
"Find someone to watch the kids for a night and go for a date, then build in time for her to have a bath or read or whatever."
"Sounds like you two could use some bonding time." ~ Grrrrr_Arrrrrgh
"NAH. You weren't wrong to finish the job, and she overreacted, but you also could've offered to order takeout instead of telling her to make dinner (even though you were taking the boys)."
"When one partner reaches their limit, the other partner covers for them." ~ childproofbirdhouse
"NTA. And neither is she."
"The real AH are the twins, but that's kind of their job."
"This is just one of those nights the parents of twin toddlers have to figure out a way to navigate."
"I would apologize, not for anything you did wrong, but for the sh*tty way things went down."
"Try to keep the lines of communication open."
"And order a DoorDash for dinner." ~ Popular-Heart-5307
"NAH, but a big oof at 'I'll take the boys upstairs so you can start dinner.'"
"Her making dinner is in no way a break."
"You couldn't offer to order pizza or something?"
"Just a little tone deaf." ~ tiffibean13
"NTA. You were doing a chore for the household, not like you were just goofing off."
"If she wanted you to take the kids for a few minutes, that's fair, but she should have just said that." ~ ConflictGullible392
"I'm going with NAH, but just talk to her."
"I don't think you're wrong for wanting to finish snowblowing, but clearly something is bothering her. Is it great that she's giving you the cold shoulder?"
"No, of course not."
"But unless this is a common occurrence, it seems like something is going on!"
"And, very gently, sometimes you apologize not because of a clear right or wrong but because you've upset your person."
"I think this is a perfectly acceptable time for a 'I'm sorry I made you feel that way. You're clearly upset. Please talk to me about what's going on.'"
"Sometimes it's better to extend an apology and then figure out what happened as opposed to being stubborn and letting an issue fester." ~ One-Connection7073
"So basically, she thinks you should have completely stopped what you were doing after reading her mind, and doesn't care that you did, in fact, stop what you were doing to step up as a partner and parent your kids before completing the task you were already in the middle of."
"Nope, you're definitely NTA on this one."
"She was understandably overwhelmed; however, I'm quite sure if the situation were switched, she wouldn't automatically read your mind and leave her task unfinished."
"Give her some quiet time and let her bring it up when she's not frazzled."
"Then you two can talk it out and find a better way of communication when one of you is overwhelmed and needs the other to jump in more." ~ ARTiger20
"NAH. I remember being a mom of two in diapers, not twins, mind you, but two under two."
"It was hard on me. It was hard on their dad."
"We made a vow when our youngest was a newborn to never take anything personally, especially while tired and stressed."
"This is what you and your wife need to do as well."
"If you guys hold onto grudges, it will build into resentment."
"And once you start resenting your partner, it's game over."
"Get the kids to bed, and you both relax."
"If you guys don't want to talk about what happened today, then it's fine to go to bed and talk about it tomorrow."
"But I hope you both learn to communicate better in your marriage for your sakes and your children's sakes." ~ SussOfAll06
"NTA. She's a grown woman and needs to use her words."
"She was well aware of the task you were doing, so it's not like you took off to dodge parental duties."
"I know she probably had a rough day with them, but that wasn't your fault."
"'Babe, can you watch the boys for 10-15 minutes while I get settled in and sorted?'"
"Such a simple thing." ~ HockeyDayz
"Sounds like she was at wit's end and probably overreacted."
"NTA, and I'm sure once she calms down, you can have an adult conversation about it."
"Good luck." ~ ProfessorDistinct835
"NTA - I'm a wif,e and I get it."
"Her reaction isn't called for, and she should have communicated better."
"Get everyone snacks and send her to have a nap."
"Don't have a conversation about it until later and make sure she's had food and drink."
"I don't know your relationship, and I'm certainly not excusing her behavior; don't blame me."
"Ask her how her day was, acknowledge her feelings and validate them, and then ask what can be done in the future, because firstly, she needs to communicate, and you also need to finish what you were in the middle of." ~ bookwormingdelight
"NTA - you did the right thing, and you aren't a mind reader- I know my husband can't read my female mind yet or anyone else's."
"She should have said something if she needed you sooner." ~ Lunar-Eclipse0204
"NTA, I think she thought you were a mind reader and understood she needed a break."
"I think just have a conversation and tell her you just wanted to get the job done whilst you were already wet, etc., and that next time if she can communicate that she's struggling and needs a short break."
"This situation is purely a miscommunication."
"I've been there, it's totally unreasonable, and sometimes we just expect our S[ignificant] O[ther] to know without telling them 😂😂😂." ~ Some-Energy-9070
"If you were in the middle of a chore, of course, you should continue to snowblow!"
"I am surprised you helped her at all."
"She sounds like she needs to communicate with you if she expects you to drop what you're doing when she comes home with the kids."
"You're NTA." ~ HorseygirlWH
"NAH. Next time it happens, though, maybe let the kids stay out with you and blow off some steam!!!"
"You can also get some kid-friendly shovels and have them 'help.'"
"Cheers 😊." ~ Able-Primary
OP came back to chat...
"Thanks for the genuine thoughts and funny comments."
"I didn't post in lieu of communication, just as a gut check on my emotional blindness that can come with Autism and A[ttention]-D[eficit]-H[yperactivity]-D[isorder]."
"My wife and I are chatting it out now, and the culprit was me making assumptions and her having a couple of hard work days and a snowy commute with rambunctious toddlers."
"I am ok being TAH for this one."
"My bad."
It's great to hear that everything got worked out, OP.
Reddit was with you, but it sounds like your wife is as well.
It's always nice to hear that couples can communicate when they want to.
Happy Holidays.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.