Being a mom is tough, and sometimes some time away is just what the doctor ordered.
Redditor JackfruitPlus4345 hadn’t taken any time to herself since giving birth to her youngest 5 years ago.
The Original Poster (OP) was convinced by a girlfriend to go on a girls trip. The OP’s husband fully supported the idea. That was, until the OP stopped answering his calls.
A disagreement drove the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for not responding to my husband’s calls when it was an emergency?”
She went on to explain:
“Hi all. Sorry if there’s any issues with format, I’m new to Reddit. I’m only here to get some perspective because one of my friends said I could get unbiased opinions.”
“I’ll use fake names for privacy.”
“I’m a 36 [year old] woman with a husband (Tom) and 3 children – Kate [10 years old], Mary [8 years old], and William [5 years old].”
“Since my youngest was born, I haven’t had any time away to myself. I haven’t had a night out, a girls trip, or even just one afternoon to watch a movie and drink some wine.”
“Before anyone comments, I don’t want to do these things all the time. I know I have a responsibility to my kids. I just think it would be nice to take a break a few times a year maybe.”
“Because of this, one of my friends (Penny) asked me to come away on a girl’s trip with our college friends to the beach for 7 days.”
“Obviously I was skeptical since I don’t want to leave my kids alone and I also don’t want to force Tom to do everything himself for that long, but she eventually persuaded me.”
“I asked Tom about this and he said I should go, he would handle everything around the house. He didn’t seem worried at all, so eventually my worries faded too.”
“I got very into the idea of an stress-free trip, so before I left, I told him to only call me for emergencies. He agreed.”
“But once I left and I was having a good time with my girls, Tom began calling me at least 7-8 times a day with the littlest things.”
“Things like ‘oh Kate can’t find her hairbrush, where is it?’ or ‘oh where’s the salt and pepper’ or ‘what’s the name of William’s kindergarten teacher again?’.”
“This went on for 3 days. I kept reminding him he agreed to only call for emergencies, but he always brushed it off.”
“Eventually I got so sick of his calls because Tom promised me an stress-free trip, so I decided to just turn off my phone.”
“But on the 5th day, Penny came up to me and said Tom called her and said I needed to come home immediately.”
“Apparently Mary was riding her bike and hit a rock and went flying off, and she broke her arm in several places.”
“Of course I cut the trip short and came right back home.”
“But when I got home, Tom was very cold and rude to me. I thought it was just because of the stress of Mary’s injury, but it kept going on for days.”
“Eventually I just asked him straight out what was wrong and he blew up at me.”
“He said that I ‘abandoned’ our kids by refusing to answer my phone and I broke my promise by not immediately responding when it was an actual emergency.”
“He said I don’t get to stop being a mother just because of a ‘dumb vacation.’ I tried to defend myself and said he kept calling me over the tiniest inconveniences and interrupting the trip.”
“Besides, he said he had everything handled. Tom responded that it ‘could’ve been an emergency every time he called so it’s my job to pick up.’”
“But I said this was exactly like the boy who cried wolf, and he said that was ridiculous.”
“My friends are all on my side, but Tom is still not really speaking to me. So I’d just like other opinions on if I was wrong here.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA”
“You were supposed to get some rest; it’s his fault if you didn’t pick up cause he was annoying you every day; like, doesn’t he live with you like? He should know where the salt and pepper are ?”
“I saw that story many many times, the husband says he can handle and ‘babysit’ (while he just take care of their kids) but doesn’t really know how to take care of his own kids”
“Anyway don’t blame yourself. You did the right thing; it’s weaponized incompetence”
“Also you didn’t abandon your kid, it’s normal to want to have some time for yourself and you came back as soon are there was a problem, don’t let him gaslight you”
“And maybe you should rethink your relationship in a more sharing parenthood, cause your husband don’t know how to handle his own kids and that’s concerning…”
“…(no hate i just recommend you to think more about it)” – Falkor-TheDragon
“NTA As others have said, your husband is the boy who cried wolf. Ideally, you’d have explicitly told him- ‘I’m turning my phone off. If it’s an actual emergency contact Penny.’”
“But to me, that’s the only thing that you did wrong.”
“I assume your husband is upset because what this week showed him is how much he can’t do what you do in the family.”
“He’s probably been gone for a few days here and there but it’s never impacted the family before, while you couldn’t be gone 24 hours without him having to ask you questions.”
“The alternative is that he kept calling not because he was incapable of parenting on his own but because he didn’t trust you away from the family.”
“(I admit I’m a little- really, your 8 yr old couldn’t find her brush?)” – rak1882
“It really seems here that he either didn’t think you would go on holiday, leaving him to do everything or didn’t want you to go on holiday…”
“…so he decided to try to make the holiday as miserable as possible. He said you don’t get to stop being a mother on vacation, but when is he going to START being a father?”
“He can’t look for a hairbrush? He can’t look for the salt and pepper?”
“No, he was weaponizing his incompetence to punish you for leaving and try to make sure you never leave him with the kids again.”
“He didn’t keep his promise. He was the boy who cried wolf, and now he’s trying to make you feel like it’s all your fault.”
“Take a step back, OP, and see if there’s any other time that he messed up or didn’t keep a promise and made it all your fault. It could be a pattern so he doesn’t have to take responsibility.”
“NTA.” – Aethermist88
“It’s pathetic how little your husband knows about how to run a household he’s supposed to be part of.”
“He called over salt and pepper. He caused this with his incompetence and his persistent pestering.”
“Maybe he’s mad because he had a bit of a superiority complex and your traveling revealed he’s completely ineffectual.”
“NTA, you’re owed a finish to that vacation with no nattering requests for information.” – daisukidesu1981
“I imagine that your husband, who is pretty much the AH here, didn’t really want you to go on a very well-deserved vacation, and those calls were to punish you in a petty and miserable way.”
“This, or this is a classic example of strategic incompetence.”
“Anyway, NTA big time and, seeing that you say that it’s been years since you had some you time, good luck.” – Puzzleheaded-Ad9645
“NTA. Your husband is pathetic.’
“I get the phone thing, but I’m sorry – NOTHING he called you about constitutes an emergency.”
“It’s not going to be easy to wrangle three children if you don’t do it a lot, but none of them are babies.”
“He doesn’t have to do any changes or night time feeds – maybe a bit of bath time, but nothing horrendous.”
“Everything he asked would have been reasonable if you’d been at home – but he called you because he couldn’t find a hairbrush? Here’s an idea, Tom – look for it!”
“Get your children to help look. This is not worth a godd*mn phone call. Where’s the medication? Call. Where’s the salt and pepper? Find it yourself.”
“I’m actually furious on your behalf. My wife had to go into hospital for a week when our first child was a few weeks old. No family was close by, so I was on my own.”
“It was daunting as hell to try and cope with a newborn by myself, but I did it because it was my responsibility. Your husband has utterly abrogated his.” – WestLondonIsOursFFC
“NTA. I wonder how he thinks it was any different from The Boy Who Cried Wolf.”
“He promised to call only in an emergency, and then his threshold for what constituted an emergency was ‘any trivial problem or question’.”
“If he’d just kept to his agreement, everything would have worked as it was supposed to.”
“It wasn’t that every call could’ve been an emergency, it was every call was supposed to be an emergency.” – extinct_diplodocus
OP deserves another vacation on hubby’s dime.