Helping a grieving loved one is such a gift to be able to give.
People who have lost significant others need to know they’re not alone.
Being there to listen, cry, and hold their hand can be what gets them through the day.
However, you can’t neglect your own life.
As difficult as death and grief are, life does have to go on for the living.
Redditor Time-Union1592 to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for dropping my kids off with my wife when she is with a grieving friend?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife’s best friend (Jessie) just lost her husband about a month ago.”
“My wife has been at her home almost every single day ever since.”
“My job has me being on call some nights, and money is tight, so I can’t not be on call.”
“I know Jessie is struggling, but it is stressing me out a ton to be basically a single parent since my wife is never home.”
“I have talked to her about cutting back, but that ends in an argument about me being heartless.”
“Yesterday I was on call, and I actually got called in.”
“I couldn’t leave our two daughters home alone (6 and 9), so I called my wife, telling her she needs to head home now, and I need to leave.”
“She told me no, and to figure it out.”
“We don’t have the money for a sitter, my parents live too far away, her parent aren’t allowed near the kids (they suck), and my friends have their own lives/families.”
“So I packed up the kids and, on my way to work, dropped them off at Jessie’s house.”
“My wife was pissed that I did that.”
“When I got back, we got into a huge argument, and I told her that she actually needs to be a parent.”
“That I am very sick of her playing house at Jessie’s house, and we have our own kids.”
“She thinks I am ‘a heartless f**king man,’ and I told her to be a parent to our own kids.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“A day with a grieving friend is needed, a week is kindness, a month when you have kids at home is bizarre.” ~ Virtual_Map_5891
“Neglect is the word you are thinking of, not bizarre.”
“The wife is neglecting her family big time.” ~ Aidyn_the_Grey
“Exactly!”
“By the title, I thought that perhaps it was a day or a week, but a month?”
“I know her friend still needs support after a month, but to the extent that the children can’t be around seems extreme.” ~ MightyMrsHippie
“Her parents aren’t allowed around the kids, sounds like she probably learned how to be a sh*t parent from them.” ~ Infamous-Walk1759
“It’s also weird that Jessie isn’t acknowledging the fact that her friend has a family to take care of and can’t reasonably be there all the time.”
“Shouldn’t she encourage her friend to spend time with her family?”
“I know a month isn’t a long time when you lose someone that close to you, but if she was a decent friend who cared about her and her family… just putting that out there.” ~ AndreaLikesMusic
“NTA. So she basically wanted you to either choose between getting fired or leaving your minor children unattended and risk C[hild] P[rotective] S[ervices] involvement?”
“Your wife is neglecting her children.”
“She needs a reality check.”
“There’s being there for your bestie and then there’s completely disregarding your responsibilities.”
“Jessie needs to call some family if she needs this much attention, or consider inpatient care.” ~ bitter-scorpio-02
“I wonder if Jess really wants/needs her there this much.”
“Honestly, if I were in that situation, having friends around sometimes would be great, but I’d also want and need some time alone without someone hovering.”
“Maybe the wife has some type of angel/helper thing, and this just makes her feel good, whether or not it’s what Jess wants and needs.”
“This is excessive on the part of OP’s wife and interesting if it’s really what Jess wants.”
“If it is, then I agree Jess needs to call upon other friends and family.” ~ rainyhawk
“This is a fair point as well.”
“Like, is she genuinely asking for this much attention, or is OP’s wife just doing it?”
“OP also commented that Jessie has kids too, so I can’t help but wonder if she’s doing parent tasks for them while she’s there all the time.”
“Either way, choosing to just neglect your children is absolutely unacceptable to me.’
“As well as calling your spouse heartless for expecting you to be present.” ~ bitter-scorpio-02
“This is a fair point as well.”
“Like, is she genuinely asking for this much attention, or is OP’s wife just doing it?”
“OP also commented that Jessie has kids too, so I can’t help but wonder if she’s doing parent tasks for them while she’s there all the time.”
“Either way, choosing to just neglect your children is absolutely unacceptable to me.”
“As well as calling your spouse heartless for expecting you to be present.” ~ bitter-scorpio-02
“I’m a widow.”
“Support was good, but holy crap!”
“There is no way I or any other person in my widow support group (I asked) would put up with a friend being at my house in my face every day for the month after my husband died.”
“You need people, and then you also need to be alone because it’s just all too much.”
“Something odd is happening here.” ~ ZookeepergameOk1186
“NTA. It is extremely unfair and emotionally manipulative for your wife to be calling you ‘heartless’ and to be putting the weight of being financially responsible for your family and the childcare, entirely on you to figure out.”
“She is a wife and mother before she is a friend, and her duty to make sure her kids are cared for and her husband has the ability to put food on the table comes first.”
“If this were a week, or even two, I’d say you need to grin and bear it and let your wife wholeheartedly support your friend… but a month is completely unsustainable and shows no sign of slowing down.” ~ grammarlysucksass
“Something is going on here.”
“I think the kids need to stay with their grandparents for a weekend, so that you two can sit down and sort this out.”
“My hope is that she was just feeling overwhelmed, and liked the ‘being a support’ excuse for some time with no kids.”
“Maybe it’s something else, but you can’t go on like this, and she owes it to your family to be honest.”
“I wish you all the best.” ~ Cara_Bina
“NTA. I sympathize deeply with Jessie, but her husband didn’t die yesterday; it’s been a month.”
“Not that a month is anything significant in terms of grief, but it’s not in emergency territory.”
“You’re completely right in my opinion, you can’t be a single parent.”
“You have bills to pay.” ~ Suspicious_Juice717
“NTA. This sounds more like an excuse to get away from you/kids than it does helping a friend.”
“There is something bigger going on behind the scenes.” ~ PinkPaintedSky
“NTA at all.”
“Your wife is straight-up neglecting her family and responsibilities.”
“Sure, she is supporting her friend, but she’s doing that at the detriment of you and her family.”
“Not ok at all.”
“Ironic and honestly manipulative to call you heartless when she’s not even willing to be there for her actual family.”
“Marriage counseling like yesterday, and this would be nonnegotiable because there are clearly other issues going on.”
“Good luck.” ~ SillyTugboats
“NTA. Your wife is failing here.”
“It is admirable that she wants to help a friend, but that does not negate her responsibilities as a parent to HER children, not being a partner to her spouse.”
“Sounds like she is just copping out and using her friend’s grief as an excuse.” ~ Odd-End-1405
“This is basically what I was coming to say.”
“OP, your wife is neglecting your kids and the marriage.”
“Yes, I would and have helped a grieving friend before, but not at the cost to my kids and husband.”
“I still check on them even years later.”
“I even took in my bestie’s son for a while when she passed.”
“But that was a family decision.”
“The part where op said in a comment: she gets home after the kids are asleep.”
“That really rubs me the wrong way.”
“She has little kids that she is ignoring.”
“She needs to rotate her times to be there for them.”
“I would say the same for a man.” ~ page_stalker
“Uh, no, you got called into work, you dropping the kids off with their mother IS you ‘figuring it out.'”
“I wonder if maybe she’s not over at her friend’s for completely selfless reasons now, but because she’s discovered that it’s nice to have a reason to get out and not have to tend to any of her own responsibilities as a parent.”
“Maybe I’m just a heartless woman, though…” ~ Disastrous-Fun-9948
“NTA, and I have a hard time not suspecting that something else is going on here.” ~ meh_ok
Reddit is with you, OP.
It’s time for your wife to come home.
She can continue to be there for her friend.
But she can’t keep neglecting her own life and kids.
Hoping you can resolve this for everyone’s sake.