Many people are under the impression that in a shared home, everything in the fridge is fair game.
After all, the saying "what's yours is mine, and mine is yours" has been around for quite some time.
However, even if many things in a household are shared, not everyone feels that way when it comes to food.
And these people don't take too kindly when they discover that food they felt was theirs has been eaten by someone else.
Whether or not they actually stuck any claim to it.
A recent Redditor recently helped himself to a sweet delicacy that had been sitting dormant in his family fridge for quite some time.
However, the original poster (OP)'s wife was not at all pleased to discover her husband had been picking away at this treat.
As she believed that this treat was rightfully hers.
Wondering if he did anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for eating most of her birthday cake?"
The OP explained why their wife was furious at the OP's dessert samplings:
"My wife (32 F[emale) and I (35 M[ale]) were recently on vacation over the 4th of July, which also happens to be my wife's birthday."
"We had all the normal traditions for our family, including cake."
"We all had a piece day-of but almost nobody ate cake the entire rest of the trip."
"When the time came to return home, in-laws (MIL made the cake) offered to send the whole thing with us because they 'didn't need all that and we will probably just throw it away'."
"My wife hates food waste, so she brought it."
"The journey home was two days by car."
"It has since been two additional days since we got back."
"Each night after dinner, I've had a reasonably sized piece of the cake for desert."
"I used to be a bigger guy and while I have much better habbits now, I still have a soft spot for baked goods."
"The cake was 'budgeted for' though and I had been looking forward to eating a little."
"Well today my wife saw that there was only one slice left and was irate."
"Saying I was completely selfish and had eaten almost all of HER cake."
"I told her the cake had been available to all for nearly a week (counting days it sat on the counter before we took it home with us) and that nobody had bothered to touch it but me."
"I did apologize after she finished explaining to me that it upset her but I don't understand why it's such a big deal to begin with."
"The cake was right there...she never even had a bite."
"For additional context, in the past she has requested that certain foods be saved for her as leftovers etc."
"I've obliged, only for that food to sit until it had become moldy and she claims she 'forgot it was in there, oops'."
"For someone who hates food waste, allegedly, I find this behavior doubly puzzling.'
"It isn't, nor has ever been a 'my cake' or 'your cake' situation in our family."
"It's just THE cake, to be shared."
"There has never been an expectation beyond making sure the birthday person gets the first slice."
"After that, its just a regular old cake."
"Desserts are just understood to be periodically available and if you want some, it's there."
"Different rules for small children notwithstanding."
"Finally...we ate on the drive."
Idk why people exclude those two days from when the cake was available."
"Obviously we didn't drive 48 hours straight without sustenance."
"And the first night we obviously had to park and rest somewhere."
"And besides that we were home for dinner on the second day as well."
"Was I wrong here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for eating his wife's birthday cake.
Many believed that the OP was valid in pointing out that as his wife was mostly ignoring the cake, he had a right to enjoy himself, even if some felt he should have at least always made an offer when he cut himself a slice, with others wondering if he should have been eating a week old cake to begin with.
"NTA."
"I think your only fault here is, as someone who hates food waste myself, every time you went to get a piece of cake you should've announced it."
"'Honey, I'm cutting a slice of cake'."
"'Want me to cut you a slice too?'"
"That way, if she says yes, you enjoy it together."
"If she says no, then it's on her for not partaking."- Ok_Reputation_3612
"NTA."
"The 'saving' a food for someone who might want it, until the food goes bad, annoys me greatly—as a person who actually doesn't like food waste."
"She could have said she didn't want you to eat it."
"There's still a piece left, if she wants it now."
"I do not believe she was waiting for day six to eat four pieces of cake."
"This is a weird control thing that my sister-in-law does too."
"She wants something 'saved' for her in case she wants it later/tomorrow."
"Half the time their fridge is full of entrees that the kids and my brother aren't allowed to eat, which my brother ends up throwing away when she acknowledges the item is no longer edible."- 7625607
"NTA."
"She wanted to have her cake and eat it too."- Hatsu_Homo
"NTA."
"Its almost time for the cake to be thrown out anyways."- smol9749been
"NTA."
"After several days of sitting there untouched, that cake was fair game IMO."
"She clearly didn't care that much about it if it took a week for her to even look in the box."
'And there was still a slice left for her to eat!"- Dusty_Old_McCormick
"NTA."
"After several days of sitting there untouched, that cake was fair game IMO."
"She clearly didn't care that much about it if it took a week for her to even look in the box."
"And there was still a slice left for her to eat!"- Dusty_Old_McCormick
"NTA."
"The difference between this post and others I've seen in the past is the fact that you had like one slice a day over 4 days."
"You did not eat it all at once it one sitting leaving her no chance."
'I'm sure she saw you eating it."
"She could've had a piece at the same time you were also."
"The only thing I guess you could do better - because you know how she reacts - is every time you get a slice say 'hey honey, do you want a slice of cake?'"
"And every other day, maybe say 'hey honey the cake looks like it's drying out. We might wanna eat it'"
"Friendly reminders but not nagging."
"I have to do that sometimes to My husband but most of the time he has eyes and can see in the fridge and I don't need to."- Ryoko_Kusanagi69
"When anyone I know (including myself) gets a birthday cake, we go out of our way to share with family and friends."
"I don't see it as 'my birthday cake' I just see it as a cake on my birthday."
"Everyone can celebrate with me kinda thing."
"So from this I'd say you're NTA."- AggressivePicture831
Some, however, understood why the OP's wife got as upset as she did, as it was her birthday cake, feeling the OP could have communicated things better, even if he was still entitled to a slice or two.
"NAH."
"And communication on both sides could have solved this early."
"You explicitly saying 'I'm going to have some for dessert each night until it's gone or gone bad' would have given her the opportunity to say something like 'lemme set some aside for myself'."- Physical_Revelry
The OP later returned with an update, sharing how he hoped he tried to make things right with his wife, as well as her response to his actions:
"I have decided to simply bake her the exact same cake, in a smaller tin just for her."
"It will be her cake and nobody else will touch it."
"If it gets wasted, so be it. I hate the waste but its not worth the division."
"The remade cake was much appreciated."
"She has yet to take a single bite."
"Not going to track progress."
"The cake was made as an apology, not to test the theory."
It's a fair argument to say that the one celebrating the birthday should be the one who has first dibs on any leftover birthday cake.
However, if the OP's wife has a problem with food going to waste, then one can't help but wonder why she was so upset when her husband decided to enjoy her birthday cake that she was all but ignoring.
As many have pointed out, though, perhaps she wouldn't have gotten so upset had the OP merely made the offer.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp