Some people just can't take a little competition.
I've seen card games become deadly.
Why are humans so touchy about losing during friendly combat?
It's just a game. Right?
Case in point...
Redditor Forsaken-Treacle-654 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for "emasculating" a guy by winning against him in a game?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have been playing squash for the last few months once or twice every week."
"Recently, my friend 'Rebecca' and her boyfriend 'Joe' joined us too and yesterday was their 2nd time playing."
"I played 2 games against Joe and won both of them, because I have been playing for much longer than he has."
"I saw that he was starting to get a bit angry after the first game so I told him he is doing really good considering it's only his 2nd time."
"But didn't let him win the second game either."
"When he played with Rebecca after that, he acted really rude and belittling towards her because she wasn't as good."
"When we got home, I asked them if they wanted to join us on our evening dog walk and they said yes, but Joe seemed to be in a really bad mood."
"We walked for about 1.5 hours, which is a usual evening walk for us."
"During the walk, Joe was rude towards Rebecca, getting mad at her because she didn't know where we were, etc."
"Next day, Rebecca was all mad at me, saying that she had to deal with Joe's bad mood because I not just won against him twice, but then I also 'challenged' him on a walk."
"She said that I shouldn't have emasculated him, because he took it out on her."
"I told her that Joe is an a**hole and she should break up with him if he treats her badly."
"Rebecca says that I had to know that Joe will react like this and I was deliberately trying to emasculate him because I don't like him."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. Men don't get emasculated by a game and a dog walk. He just isn't one." ~ tatasz
"Yes!! Like my husband used to say, if they think it's my purse then I guess they know I don't give a crap what they think!"
"You are the kind of man we moms and aunts want to influence our kids."
"Boys and girls both need to know a real man is confident that he has nothing to prove."
"It will help them avoid toxic relationships before they even start." ~ Island*itching
"That's the difference between a healthy relationship with positive masculinity versus a destructive, immature relationship with toxic masculinity in a nutshell."
"Healthy ideas of masculinity and positive role models of what it means to be a man aren't easily threatened or challenged."
"Because it's only toxic masculinity's definition of manhood that is like forced on very young boys to think oh you're not a man if a girl can beat you at something (because women are weak)." ~ badgersprite
"We're living in 2022 while Joe is still stuck in 1822."
"Honestly, that's not emasculation, that's being a sore loser and forcing it on someone who doesn't need to be part of it." ~ Vegetto8701
"HAHA, he's just a really crappy loser with a very small ego apparently."
"If he can't deal with losing to a girl and then verbally beating his girlfriend up as a way to make himself feel better."
"Ugh... but then if it was me I'd challenge him again to see how big of a temper tantrum he pitches next time."
"Because I guarantee next time there will be throwing of objects and a lot of cussing. Lol." ~ Chance-Ad-9952
"It's not other people's job to make you feel like a man."
"You are one."
"If you don't feel like enough of one that's a YOU problem and you need to unpack your toxic relationship with masculinity."
"I need to destroy and dominate other people, especially women, to feel like a man."
"And work towards embracing a healthy relationship with positive masculinity."
"What makes me feel like a man is that I'm a good example to the younger men in my life and in my family, people trust me and feel safe and protected around me, just as an example." ~ badgersprite
"My wife beats my everlovinfu**in a** at Mario party every. single. time."
"She shows no mercy and has said such."
"It's adorable watching her get all focused and excited on something she's good at."
"And then she leaves floating trees in my Minecraft world and I seriously consider divorce."
"You said it perfectly, I just wanted to add my anecdote."
"Def NTA." ~Dis4Wurk
"NTA - Joe is toxic AF."
"It was a dog walk, not a double-dog dare."
"And getting mad because he was beat by a girl and then taking it out on his gf?"
"What a prize. Be kind to your friend as much as you can."
"Sounds like she is in an abusive relationship and she will really need a friend when she finally figures that out." ~ Seemoreifsandsorbuts
"Speaking as a family lawyer this sounds like the kind of guy who is going to come home from a bad day at work one day and think that justifies him throwing his dinner plate at his wife's head."
"Because he was in a bad mood due to something that happened at his job and she didn't magically cook the dish that made all his bad feelings go away."
"And therefore it's HER fault that he's angry."
"And I know this seems like a horrible assumption to make about a person but like trust me a frighteningly high percentage of people and households are like this at least sometimes." ~ badgersprite
"NTA. Don't play if you aren't emotionally mature enough to handle losing."
"Don't associate with women if your fragile excuse for masculinity can't handle them being good at things they do regularly." ~ Sk111W
"Joe is a walking red flag."
"How long have he and Rebecca been together? Effing yikes."
"I don't know what your relationship is with Rebecca."
"But if you want to say something to her about how this is NOT okay, I'd just ask her if she's ready for Joe to mistreat her every time he's upset."
"Every time he has a bad day at work, every time he gets into traffic, for the rest of the relationship."
"You're just trying to play a game and have fun."
"If something that benign sets him off so hard he mistreats his girl, why is she his girl?"
"NTA!" ~ GoingPriceForHome
"NTA. Why is this even a question?"
"Joe lost two games of squash against a far more experienced player."
"Evidently, in Joe's world, the best female athlete is still worse than the worst male athlete."
"Joe is being insecure and abusive."
"And you were right to advise Rebecca to break up with him."
"No one emasculated Joe, except Joe." ~ RighteousVengeance
"NTA. Obviously Joe is ridiculously fragile."
"'Rebecca says that I had to know that Joe will react like this' - no to that."
"Because no sensible adult behaves that way."
"Rebecca is wrong and Joe's an a**hole." ~ MadamMarshmallows
"Though I can totally hear Joe telling Rebecca 12 times a day that 'you had to know that if you do X, I'll explode, and you made me, so it's your fault.'"
"If she's truly unlucky, it's not the first man in her life who makes women responsible for not being a mindreader AND keeping the world perfect around them."
"NTA in the slightest, OP." ~ Ok-Painting4168
"Worse is that it's only a small step from that into "I wouldn't hit you if you didn't make me so mad!/It's your fault I hit you as you made me so mad'"
"Like. yikes. Joe is *not* safe with this attitude as its likely to escalate and OP should be concerned for her friend."
"Though obviously joe is going to try and make Rebecca mad at OP so, R stops talking to OP!"
"It's like straight out of the abusers playbook."
"OP is definitely NTA. (Its definitely Joe!)" ~ Puzzled_Magpie
"You did your friend a favor by exposing in part the true nature of this guy. NTA."
"Who the hell thinks a dog walk is a competition?!"
"I've never played squash, but I've played racquetball and tennis enough to know that it's a finesse game."
"This guy probably thought he could outplay you just by hitting the ball harder."
"What a (sore) loser." ~ dasbeidler
"Got really nervous when the post started with 'My husband' lol.
"Anyway, NTA."
"This dude sounds like his penis got called small once and he's spent his whole life compensating for it." ~ aitabrowsermostly
It's just a game. Why are people so serious?
OP it sounds like Reddit knows you're in the right.
And Rebecca is probably gonna need you more sooner than later.
Keep playing strong.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp