There are no strict parameters defining what constitutes a "family."
Literally speaking, familial relations are defined by blood.
Generally speaking, however, family is defined by who raised you and gave you the unconditional love and support you needed.
Those are ultimately the people who can rightfully be considered your mother, father, brother, or sister.
After a rather speedy courtship, the father of Redditor throwawaydontunderst remarried, creating a blended family along the way.
While the original poster (OP) generally had a solid relationship with his stepmother and stepbrothers, the fact that his stepmother wanted him to view her as his actual mother complicated their relationship.
Particularly when she wanted to make that relationship official in every sense of the word, which the OP was firmly against.
Wondering if his resistance was unjustified, the OP took to the subReddit, "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my dad's wife I'm sorry but she's not my mom?"
The OP explained why he didn't feel comfortable calling his stepmother "mom."
"I (16 M[ale]) was the product of what is pretty much a friend with benefits type relationship between my dad (at the time 33) and my mom (at the time 22.)"
"My mom didn't want to be a mom."
"Yet my dad didn't want my mom to abort."
"From what little I have been told there was an agreement."
"My mom would leave, my dad would raise me on his own but if she wanted to, she could come back into my life whenever."
"The first 7 years of my life were just my dad and I."
"He didn't date any other woman; it was just us two and his family."
"I remember my mom would send me gifts on my Birthday and Christmas with letters attached."
"I remember members of her family doing the same."
"When I turned 7, my mom came back."
"I started spending time with her."
"She would take me to parks, zoos, and aquariums etc."
"I also met her family."
"I loved this, although I now know my dad didn't like the fact that my mom randomly showed up out of nowhere wanting to spend time with me, although he did soften up to it over time."
'I still have contact with my mom."
"I don't see her as often as before."
"But I still love her and see her as much as possible.'
"There was no conflict due to this situation at all until when I was 14, my dad met a new woman."
"I will call 'A' for this."
"A and my dad started dating when I was 14, married when I was 15."
"A brought her twins (15 M for both) from her previous relationship into her marriage with my dad."
"I have a good relationship with both my stepbrothers."
"I have a decent relationship with A but 2 things always bugged me."
"1. How my dad seemed to rush into marrying A (he proposed to her 3 months into their relationship.)"
"2. A wanted me to call her mom literally the day I met her."
"She had two reasons for this."
"1. I don't have a mom, and I need one."
"2. She wants our family to be more united."
"I always just shrugged this off."
"I got away with it because when my dad married A it's like he forgot about me completely and didn't care about me."
"I also felt like it wasn't my place to complain."
"That's the context of all of this."
"We're a year into Dad and A's marriage."
'A's birthday is coming up."
"All of us bought her a gift but she says she doesn't like physical ones and also said she wants a more 'verbal gift' from me."
"Last night at dinner I learned what this was."
"She asked me if I say yes to letting her adopt me so she could be my mom."
"Of course it caught me off guard."
"I said no, I already have a mom."
"A doesn't like the fact I talk to my actual mom still, and she said that she's my mom because she's at home with me every day and is married to my dad."
"Then called my actual mom a part timer in my life."
"I told her no, I'm sorry I can't her son but even if my actual mom is a part timer she was there for me a long time before she was."
"I received an angry scolding for this from both my dad and A."
"A specifically has been cold towards me since then."
"I'm struggling to comprehend this, and need to ask anonymously if I was in the wrong here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to call his stepmother "mom."
Everyone agreed that A's behavior was not only inappropriate, as the OP had a strong bond and relationship with his biological mother, but also weird to the point of concerning:
"NTA."
"She tried to use her birthday as a bargaining chip to get you to agree to something you're not interested in, thats really manipulative."
"Also this is something your birth mother should know about if she has an agreement in place with your dad about how custody of you works."
"You are a human with feelings, just because they are inconvenient for your father and stepmother doesn't mean they get to scold you for them, and her being so dismissive of your birth mother's role in your life while not doing anything to improve her own connection to you shows she only cares about LOOKING like a good mother."- Zorbie
"NTA."
"But INFO: I'm curious."
"Is your Dad asking her children to call him Dad too?"
"If so, how are they reacting?"
"If not, why not?"- MistySky1999
"NTA."
"It sounds like dad wasn't happy with your mom randomly showing up as much as you thought."
"Hence the rushed relationship and wedding."
"You spent most of your life with a certain status quo, and here you are, at 16, being demanded to change that because of their picture-perfect dreams."
"You are 2 years away from being an adult and being able to move out."
"You might want to start planning just in case they blow this up even more and go as far as kicking you out at 18."
"If your dad wanted a 'new' mom for you, he should have done that a lot earlier."
"All I can suggest is that if you don't want to accept, keep your head down, your tongue in check, finish school, and make plans to get out."
"It's really disappointing how parents like yours act when a new marriage and 'blended' families are involved and them not allowing things to happen organically and pushing for more when you are still adjusting to the changes and also figuring out your next steps in life."
"I am really sorry they are behaving this way towards you, and it's not right nor fair."
"Your feelings are valid."- GhostofaPhoenix
"My Fiancé has a 2 year old son and even though I will be in his life from the moment he can remember, I would still 1. Never expect him to call me mom and 2. Never demand that he do so."
"You are NTA and are absolutely correct when you say you already have a mother."
"I even applaud your mom for knowing she didn't want to be a mom at the time and still giving your father what he wanted."
"That doesn't make her any less of a mother in my eyes."
"She may have missed out on some years of your life but this doesn't seem to bother you and your opinion is the only one that should matter because as you stated her and your father had an agreement."
"Your father is too old to be acting so childish and A needs to seek out a therapist."
"I'm guessing her sons call your father dad with no problem and this is just making it seem as though you're being stubborn/difficult for no reason but be firm and stand your ground."
"If A wanted to be called mom so badly she would've went about it the right way and given you the space to grow comfortable to do so."
"As things are now I'd even be inclined to refer to her as the stepmother from hell."
"But I'm petty."
"Be better than me 😅 (still don't have to call her mom)."- IYKYKBIYDWTTDB
"NTA."
"No one has the right to dictate how you identify the people in your life."
"A is not your mom."
"She is your father's wife."
"End of discussion."
"Your father has always wanted a picture of family that he didn't get with your mom."
"And has probably festered deep down internally."
"With A coming into the picture he thought he could rewrite reality to his ideal."
"Forgetting thst his son is his own person with thoughts and feelings."
"'A and father,"
"'I'm sorry that both of you are upset with the outcome of the discussion regarding adoption'."
"'But being mad and cold with/at me won't change the facts'."
"'I have a mom who I love dearly'."
"'Judy because she isn't here all the time doesn't change that she is my mom or that I love her'."
"'And unfortunately your reactions are ruining any chance we had at forming a healthy and respectful relationship where I could have seen A as more than just Father's wife'."
"'But now that chance is gone'."
"'I am a person with my own thoughts and feelings'."
"'Just because they misaligned to your hopes and expectations doesn't mean I am the villain'."
"'I am a child'."
"'I not responsible for how you handle this'."
"'Please understand I wasn't trying to be rude'."
"'But when push comes to shove I will stand my ground'."
"'Op'."- Terra88draco
It's not unreasonable for A to want the OP to love her like a mother, as she will now be an active part of his life.
Providing, of course, that she loves him like a son.
Even so, the OP has a mother, and "mom" is a sacred name to address someone by.
And isn't a name that one requests to be addressed by, but instead is earned.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp