As women, we've always struggled to be taken seriously in a professional environment. But, enough is enough.
We deserve to be respected. So, when someone is making us uncomfortable, we should let them know.
Redditor idealcatlady encountered this very issue with her coworker. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for not making amends with a coworker who freaked out when I told him that calling me 'little Suzy' was inappropriate?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am a petite woman (this is relevant) and I work in a professional office. I use the long form of my name at work (think Suzanne instead of Suzy) and my shortened name among my friends and family only. I get along well with most of my coworkers."
"I have one coworker, let's call him George, who is 'that guy.'"
"No concept of personal space (pre-covid as well as during covid), interrupts others while they are working on stuff, walks into others' offices uninvited, etc. We quietly tolerate him in the hopes that he decides to retire in the next few years."
"George insists on calling me by my shortened name (think Suzy) even though I never use that name at work."
"None of my other coworkers call me Suzy."
That is not all George does.
"George also interrupts me for no good reason and gets in my personal space. If I back up, he takes one step forward."
"He takes it upon himself to walk around behind my workstation so that he looms over me while saying whatever inane thing crosses his mind, all while I'm trying to focus on the task at hand. He interrupts me when I'm giving instructions to staff because he thought it was a social conversation (it was not)."
"These are recurring problems."
"A while back, George saw me and said 'hey little Suzy' in front of some of the staff. After taking his crap for what was literally years, I couldn't handle it anymore."
"I told him that it was inappropriate to call me 'little Suzy,' full stop. I said he should not use the diminutive to refer to me, and he shouldn't comment on my size because I can't help that my body is petite."
"I told him that he wouldn't like me to call him 'big George.'"
George did not take it well.
"George freaked out and yelled that he was 'only trying to say hello'. I countered that he was NOT 'just trying to say hello,' because any normal person could just say 'hello' and not insert weird adjectives into the conversation."
"At that point George stormed off in a huff and threw back one hand as though he was swatting away a fly."
"It has been months since this incident and whenever I see George in passing, he refuses to speak to me or make eye contact. If he sees me he will quickly avert his eyes to the ground."
"To be honest, this has brought me some peace after YEARS of weird comments and invasion of personal space that I endured."
"I think that the apology should come from him, but I don't think that will happen. I think that George believes that I'm the a**hole for attacking him for 'just saying hello' to me, and that I'm an unreasonable bitch."
OP doesn't know if she should try to smooth things over.
"However, I'm not the type of person who likes ongoing interpersonal conflict especially when it's over something so stupid. I am wondering if I should reach out to him and address what happened so that we can move forward without the ongoing wordless avoidance."
"It really does feel awkward."
"So, am I the a**hole for telling him off about saying 'hello little Suzy' and then not taking any steps to make amends with him?"
"Should I have waited until the moment had passed and then spoken to him in private about how his choice of words affected me? Is it even possible to address this now that it's months later and we haven't been speaking?"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA You finally got him to be quiet around you. Keep that. Keep that and treasure it." ~ sixscreamingbirds
"NTA"
"Agreed. Assuming he doesn't hold grudges and making amends is possible, would OP really want things to go back to how they were? He seems awkward enough to not adjust his behavior after everything is said and done IMO." ~ Frostitute_85
"This!"
"OP, your one comment is truly the gift that keeps on giving. He's not talking to you? Not undermining you in public? Not looming? Bliss."
"In the (very unlikely) event that this escalates, 'it wasn't a work issue and it was clear that he didn't want to talk to me. I was respecting his boundaries.' Cue butter-wouldn't-melt smile." ~ Doctor-Liz
Most Redditors were not surprised George freaked out.
"George freaked out? Of course he did, after reading everything you described of him."
"NTA It is absolutely right to demand to be referred to in a respectful manner in the workplace. You are not there for pleasure, you are there because you are being paid to work; to instruct other workers and so on."
"He keeps you from working, creeps on you and belittles you. Make sure to tell HR what happened, paper trail is very important for anyone in the workplace." ~ Mesapholis
"Yes, she could take this to HR."
"Actually, 'little Suzy' is an implication that he is calling her a slut. There was a song years ago, 'Wake Up Little Suzy' by the Everly Brothers, about the morning after a one night stand." ~ fredzout
OP added some edits.
"Wow thank you everyone for your comments. I have read them all but can't respond to each individually."
"I wanted to clarify that it was primarily the 'little' adjective that I found totally unacceptable and infuriating, whereas the 'Suzy' part was just an ongoing low-level annoyance."
"Initially I didn't think I was the a**hole in this situation, but when his avoidance of me went on for many months it really started to bother me and I got to wondering if I was part of the problem here."
"I will take your advice, attempt to drop the people-pleasing guilt, and move on knowing that I'm not the a**hole and he can stew about it until he retires - my field of f*cks is barren. Thank you all."
"Also Suzanne/Suzy [isn't my name, but] was the first formal name/nickname combo that I could think of that still got my point across. I didn't even remember that was a song! Sorry for the earworm folks."
You deserve to be respected by all your coworkers. If they choose to cross the line, you're not at fault for calling it out.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.