When parents re-enter the dating pool, the first thing that is often on their minds is whether or not prospective partners will get along with their children.
Some might view having children enter their lives as an imposition, while some children might not appreciate having a new person in their parent's lives who are taking up most of their time.
Thankfully, with time, patience and understanding, everyone usually comes to view each other as the family they always wanted.
Redditor and single mother bfdaughterdrama began to see a man with two daughters of his own from a previous marriage.
While things seemed to be going well, the original poster (OP) noticed that her daughter didn't seem to be treated the same way as her boyfriend's daughters by certain members of his family.
When the OP brought this to his attention, he responded by calling her "selfish."
Wondering if this was, in fact, the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for expecting my boyfriends parents to treat my daughter the same as his daughters?"
The OP explained why she became increasingly angry each time her daughter saw her boyfriend's parents.
"I (37 F[emale]) have been dating Martin (39) for what will be two years this June."
"I have a daughter, Scarlett (10), and he has two daughters: Miley (13) and Joanna (12)."
"I am a single mother to Scarlett."
"Her father sends me maintenance each month but has never been an active parent and has never met Scarlett."
"I also grew up in care, so I have no family or anything."
"Whereas Martin is divorced and shares custody with his ex-wife."
"Their custody agreement is very flexible with the girls sometimes staying with him or their mum longer or often spending times with both parents together."
"It really bothered me a lot that he was still good friends with his ex-wife, and Martin said if I couldn't handle the fact he could co-parent well and be amicable with his ex, then he would end things."
"I like to think I got over my jealousy and that the girls' mother and I get on."
"Anyway since we've been dating a while and have started discussing potentially living together, I think it's only really fair that Scarlett is more involved and treated the same as Martin's daughters by his parents."
"She met them for the first time a few months ago and has since seen them a few times since, but she's treated virtually like a stranger."
"At Christmas, Miley and Joanna were spoilt rotten."
"They got money, gifts, toys, gift vouchers, and makeup."
"All they got Scarlett was an embroidered blanket thing Martin's mother spent weeks knitting, apparently with her name on it, two gift vouchers, and a doll."
"They'll take Martin's girls for overnight sleepovers, but my kid is excluded."
"They say because they don't know her that well and are uncomfortable looking after her for now."
"They'll buy Joanna and Miley sweets or little trinkets and give them a couple of pounds here and there every so often, but as for Scarlett, they might only give her one thing, and that's it."
"It's not fair for Scarlett."
"The last straw was when his parents asked if we would all like to go to Disneyland Paris on Easter with them."
"They offered to pay for Martin, the girls, and said that they could pay for part of mine and Scarlett's travel expenses but that I'd have to pay the rest."
"I lost it and told Martin he needs to tell his parents to treat Scarlett like his girls are treated."
"It's not fair to her that she has to watch her sisters being spoilt, and she isn't."
"He lashed out in return and said my parents have been nothing but accommodating to Scarlett by including her in things and getting her stuff at Christmas and so on."
"He said I'm incredibly selfish to expect his parents to treat my daughter, who they barley know, as the same as their grandchildren."
"He said that I'm bitter and jealous, and it's not like we're married or living together."
"He used the example of the blanket being a really sweet gift that shows how much his mother cares."
"He also said it's perfectly reasonable for his parents to expect me to pay for my own child to go to Disney and that my parents don't need to pay anything at all for us."
"He also said I'm raising my daughter to not learn the value of the word no and that she can just be expected to get whatever he wants."
"He also said that Joanna and Miley are not Scarlett's sisters, it's never been emphasized they were and they do not view Scarlett as that."
"He said that I need to 'get your a** in gear and realize nothing is being done to discriminate against or exclude Scarlett.'"
"I view Joanna and Miley as bonus daughters, hence why Scarlett calls them her sisters. Joanna and Miley do not view me as a mother figure in any way, only as 'dad's girlfriend.'"
"It really hurts, but I don't think I'm pushy or anything."
"I just think of us as a blended family unit, whereas Joanna and Miley have said I'm just the woman their dad is dating, and Scarlett is nothing to them family-wise."
"I have tried to get them to involve her whenever they're doing stuff, and they outright refuse so they only as they put it 'tolerate her.'"
"Martin has chewed me out about this before, claiming I'm trying to insert my daughter in the friendship groups and activities of his daughters, and it greatly upsets Scarlett because she just wants to be included."
"She doesn't have a lot of friends, and I want Joanna and Miley to be her friends."
"I have no family, and Scarlett's father's family aren't involved."
"I've always tried my best to spoil her myself, but it seems only fair since we're part of Martin's family now that she's treated the same as Joanna and Miley."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP received little to no sympathy from the OP, who all but unanimously agreed that she was, indeed, the a**hole for expecting Martin's parents to treat her Scarlett the same as Joanna and Miley.
Everyone agreed that the OP was solely focused on material things, ignoring the fact that Martin's parents did seem to welcome Scarlett with open arms, and Martin was correct in calling her selfish.
"Am I missing something here?"
"They're not her sisters, she is being given gifts and opportunities for holidays, which is incredibly generous as she's their son's girlfriend's daughter who they just met, not their grandchild, and if you framed this accurately, she wouldn't be thinking this way.'
"She is mirroring your thoughts."
"You're trying to force this family and force acceptance."
"It's the surest way to build resentment."
"Listen to Martin."
"He's spot on."
"YTA."- embopbopbopdoowop
"YTA."
"They have only known Scarlett for a few months."
"Of course, they are going to treat her differently."
"You can't just demand that they feel a certain way."
"Besides that, they sound like they are treating your daughter pretty well with the gifts and offering to pay for a portion of your vacation."
"You sound very entitled and will likely pass that behavior on to your daughter if you aren't careful."-KrombopulosJeff
"YTA."
"And especially for the comment over the gift his mom made."
"She spent 'weeks,' and you disregard it completely because it's not designer or fancy."
"That's just mean."- littlefathenry
"YTA."
"You're not living together."
"You're not engaged."
"You're obviously not married."
"They only met your daughter a few months ago."
"Where in any of the above is there anything to indicate parity with their grandchildren they have known all their lives and know absolutely they will know all their lives?"- ReviewOk929
"YTA."
"You're not a blended family unit."
"You're not married or even live together."
"You are only their dad's girlfriend, and your daughter isn't their sister."
"She is not your boyfriend's parents' grandchild."
"His mom went above and beyond hand-making a personalized gift for your daughter after barely even meeting her."
"Stop forcing yourself and your daughter on them."
"He was clear that if you can't respect boundaries like his co-parenting relationship, he's done."
"It's likely he's going to be done with you if you keep forcing yourself and your daughter on his family with your delusions that you're a blended family."
"Clearly he nor his daughters or parents see you this way."
"Scarlett not having friends is a her problem."
"It's not surprising considering you're raising her to force herself on others when they put up clear boundaries."- poweller65
One would like to sympathize with the OP, having grown up with no family and hoping Scarlett might have everything she didn't as a child.
And had Martin's parent's been intentionally excluding her from everything, this would be an entirely different story.
But seeing as that what tipped her overboard was that they would only partially pay for her and Scarlett to go to Disneyland shows that her priorities might need some sorting out.
Particularly if she does want her relationship with Martin to continue and grow.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.