When parents re-enter the dating pool, the first thing that is often on their minds is whether or not prospective partners will get along with their children.
Some might view having children enter their lives as an imposition, while some children might not appreciate having a new person in their parent’s lives who are taking up most of their time.
Thankfully, with time, patience and understanding, everyone usually comes to view each other as the family they always wanted.
Redditor and single mother bfdaughterdrama began to see a man with two daughters of his own from a previous marriage.
While things seemed to be going well, the original poster (OP) noticed that her daughter didn’t seem to be treated the same way as her boyfriend’s daughters by certain members of his family.
When the OP brought this to his attention, he responded by calling her “selfish.”
Wondering if this was, in fact, the case, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for expecting my boyfriends parents to treat my daughter the same as his daughters?”
The OP explained why she became increasingly angry each time her daughter saw her boyfriend’s parents.
“I (37 F[emale]) have been dating Martin (39) for what will be two years this June.”
“I have a daughter, Scarlett (10), and he has two daughters: Miley (13) and Joanna (12).”
“I am a single mother to Scarlett.”
“Her father sends me maintenance each month but has never been an active parent and has never met Scarlett.”
“I also grew up in care, so I have no family or anything.”
“Whereas Martin is divorced and shares custody with his ex-wife.”
“Their custody agreement is very flexible with the girls sometimes staying with him or their mum longer or often spending times with both parents together.”
“It really bothered me a lot that he was still good friends with his ex-wife, and Martin said if I couldn’t handle the fact he could co-parent well and be amicable with his ex, then he would end things.”
“I like to think I got over my jealousy and that the girls’ mother and I get on.”
“Anyway since we’ve been dating a while and have started discussing potentially living together, I think it’s only really fair that Scarlett is more involved and treated the same as Martin’s daughters by his parents.”
“She met them for the first time a few months ago and has since seen them a few times since, but she’s treated virtually like a stranger.”
“At Christmas, Miley and Joanna were spoilt rotten.”
“They got money, gifts, toys, gift vouchers, and makeup.”
“All they got Scarlett was an embroidered blanket thing Martin’s mother spent weeks knitting, apparently with her name on it, two gift vouchers, and a doll.”
“They’ll take Martin’s girls for overnight sleepovers, but my kid is excluded.”
“They say because they don’t know her that well and are uncomfortable looking after her for now.”
“They’ll buy Joanna and Miley sweets or little trinkets and give them a couple of pounds here and there every so often, but as for Scarlett, they might only give her one thing, and that’s it.”
“It’s not fair for Scarlett.”
“The last straw was when his parents asked if we would all like to go to Disneyland Paris on Easter with them.”
“They offered to pay for Martin, the girls, and said that they could pay for part of mine and Scarlett’s travel expenses but that I’d have to pay the rest.”
“I lost it and told Martin he needs to tell his parents to treat Scarlett like his girls are treated.”
“It’s not fair to her that she has to watch her sisters being spoilt, and she isn’t.”
“He lashed out in return and said my parents have been nothing but accommodating to Scarlett by including her in things and getting her stuff at Christmas and so on.”
“He said I’m incredibly selfish to expect his parents to treat my daughter, who they barley know, as the same as their grandchildren.”
“He said that I’m bitter and jealous, and it’s not like we’re married or living together.”
“He used the example of the blanket being a really sweet gift that shows how much his mother cares.”
“He also said it’s perfectly reasonable for his parents to expect me to pay for my own child to go to Disney and that my parents don’t need to pay anything at all for us.”
“He also said I’m raising my daughter to not learn the value of the word no and that she can just be expected to get whatever he wants.”
“He also said that Joanna and Miley are not Scarlett’s sisters, it’s never been emphasized they were and they do not view Scarlett as that.”
“He said that I need to ‘get your a** in gear and realize nothing is being done to discriminate against or exclude Scarlett.'”
“I view Joanna and Miley as bonus daughters, hence why Scarlett calls them her sisters. Joanna and Miley do not view me as a mother figure in any way, only as ‘dad’s girlfriend.'”
“It really hurts, but I don’t think I’m pushy or anything.”
“I just think of us as a blended family unit, whereas Joanna and Miley have said I’m just the woman their dad is dating, and Scarlett is nothing to them family-wise.”
“I have tried to get them to involve her whenever they’re doing stuff, and they outright refuse so they only as they put it ‘tolerate her.'”
“Martin has chewed me out about this before, claiming I’m trying to insert my daughter in the friendship groups and activities of his daughters, and it greatly upsets Scarlett because she just wants to be included.”
“She doesn’t have a lot of friends, and I want Joanna and Miley to be her friends.”
“I have no family, and Scarlett’s father’s family aren’t involved.”
“I’ve always tried my best to spoil her myself, but it seems only fair since we’re part of Martin’s family now that she’s treated the same as Joanna and Miley.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP received little to no sympathy from the OP, who all but unanimously agreed that she was, indeed, the a**hole for expecting Martin’s parents to treat her Scarlett the same as Joanna and Miley.
Everyone agreed that the OP was solely focused on material things, ignoring the fact that Martin’s parents did seem to welcome Scarlett with open arms, and Martin was correct in calling her selfish.
“Am I missing something here?”
“They’re not her sisters, she is being given gifts and opportunities for holidays, which is incredibly generous as she’s their son’s girlfriend’s daughter who they just met, not their grandchild, and if you framed this accurately, she wouldn’t be thinking this way.’
“She is mirroring your thoughts.”
“You’re trying to force this family and force acceptance.”
“It’s the surest way to build resentment.”
“Listen to Martin.”
“He’s spot on.”
“YTA.”- embopbopbopdoowop
“YTA.”
“They have only known Scarlett for a few months.”
“Of course, they are going to treat her differently.”
“You can’t just demand that they feel a certain way.”
“Besides that, they sound like they are treating your daughter pretty well with the gifts and offering to pay for a portion of your vacation.”
“You sound very entitled and will likely pass that behavior on to your daughter if you aren’t careful.”-KrombopulosJeff
“YTA.”
“And especially for the comment over the gift his mom made.”
“She spent ‘weeks,’ and you disregard it completely because it’s not designer or fancy.”
“That’s just mean.”- littlefathenry
“YTA.”
“You’re not living together.”
“You’re not engaged.”
“You’re obviously not married.”
“They only met your daughter a few months ago.”
“Where in any of the above is there anything to indicate parity with their grandchildren they have known all their lives and know absolutely they will know all their lives?”- ReviewOk929
“YTA.”
“You’re not a blended family unit.”
“You’re not married or even live together.”
“You are only their dad’s girlfriend, and your daughter isn’t their sister.”
“She is not your boyfriend’s parents’ grandchild.”
“His mom went above and beyond hand-making a personalized gift for your daughter after barely even meeting her.”
“Stop forcing yourself and your daughter on them.”
“He was clear that if you can’t respect boundaries like his co-parenting relationship, he’s done.”
“It’s likely he’s going to be done with you if you keep forcing yourself and your daughter on his family with your delusions that you’re a blended family.”
“Clearly he nor his daughters or parents see you this way.”
“Scarlett not having friends is a her problem.”
“It’s not surprising considering you’re raising her to force herself on others when they put up clear boundaries.”- poweller65
One would like to sympathize with the OP, having grown up with no family and hoping Scarlett might have everything she didn’t as a child.
And had Martin’s parent’s been intentionally excluding her from everything, this would be an entirely different story.
But seeing as that what tipped her overboard was that they would only partially pay for her and Scarlett to go to Disneyland shows that her priorities might need some sorting out.
Particularly if she does want her relationship with Martin to continue and grow.