Cooking, baking, and food preparation have long been favorite hobbies for many people.
Thanks to Julia Child, Martha Stewart, and Rachel Ray, the world has learned an infinite number of ways to improve meals.
A pinch of creativity on a cookie or a pasta can leave a lasting impression.
But not all lasting impressions may be palatable.
Redditor South_Arrival_7036 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to cook meals with fewer flourishes for my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (F[emale] 28) make meals every day for me and my husband (M[ale] 31) to take to work."
"I enjoy adding my own personal flourish to the meals, usually something like putting toppings in the shape of a heart or drawing a cute face on a snack."
"It's a fun hobby of mine, and it brings me joy later in the day to open my lunch and see it nicely arranged."
"A few years ago, my sister-in-law (F 33) had to take a lower-paying job after an accident left her unable to work at her previous one."
"I began making her meals like I did for my husband and myself as I knew she was struggling both financially and emotionally."
"She lives very close to us, so my husband always just dropped them off on his commute to work."
"I always added my extra touch to her meals as well, as I enjoy cooking and figured it would be a nice thing to do."
"However, she called me a few months ago and asked if I could stop making her lunches so bourgeois."
"I legitimately thought she was joking calling a heart-shaped piece of seaweed bourgeois, but according to her, none of her colleagues at work have such elaborate lunches, and it makes her feel as if she is flaunting her status."
"She is not paying me for the lunches, and it takes me an extra ten minutes maximum to add a fun touch to them, so I was confused about her train of thought."
"I thought that maybe her coworkers were taking her lunch, and she didn't want to tell me, but I agreed to make the lunches less fancy because I wanted her to feel comfortable."
"Since I make the exact same meals for all three of us, now I just don't put effort into the presentation of one of them."
"Since my husband drops off the lunch on his way to work, there have been one or two times where he has accidentally given her the wrong box."
"I have labeled which lunch is not flourished, but in the rush of the commute, there is still the occasional instance of taking the wrong box."
"My sister-in-law asked me a few days ago if I could just stop making both my and my husband's lunches 'fancy,' due to the risk of her being given the wrong one."
"I refused, as it makes me happy to see the extra touch of personality in the food, and told her that she wouldn't die from one accidental 'fancy' meal, which she was furious at and hung up on me."
"She has been refusing to talk to me over the past few days, and when I tried to call her to reason with her, she kept hanging up."
"She has told my husband that she will only talk to me if I agree to stop making all of our lunches so 'bourgeois.'"
"I am still making her lunches every day and my husband dropping them off, and while my husband agrees with me that her demand was out of order, he has now said that maybe I should just make all the food less flourished just so that she will not be angry if there is an accidental swap of lunches."
"I know it would be easy on me just not to flourish the food, but I don't want to give up my hobby for a theoretical chance of her receiving the wrong box."
"This is out-of-character behavior for my SIL."
"She is usually a very sweet and considerate person; she watches my daughter for free and has never been so reactionary about a lunch before."
"I'm unsure about completely stopping giving her lunches due to one issue when she is normally so kind."
"I will provide an update when I talk with her and my husband."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for refusing?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. After such comments like that, she can make her own, affordable, and less elaborate lunches."
"She seems like she enjoys bringing you down."
"Plus, it saves your husband some of the stressful commute when he doesn't have to drop her lunch off." ~ What-mate___
"NTA. Tell her CommunistRingworld from Reddit says she's the one with the bourgeois attitude, being picky and making demands on a lunch she's getting for free."
"And turning down the joy of life."
"It sounds to me like she just discovered the word bourgeois but hasn't read any Marx, Engels, Lenin, or Trotsky." ~ CommunistRingworld
"NTA. You make her a free lunch every day."
"'Thank you' is all you should hear from her."
"I know it would be easy on me to just not flourish the food."
"It's even easier not to make it for her at all." ~ diminishingpatience
"I would stop the lunches."
"They make her so uncomfortable, why continue?"
"Put a jar of peanut butter, a jar of jam, bread, and a plastic knife in the lunchbox."
"With a note: fix it so it's not fancy."
"Be done with this grown-up woman acting like a spoiled child."
"'I know you're giving me free food every day, but I want you to make it special, just for me.' Pfft."
"I used to draw something on my girls' napkins, every day."
"Nothing fancy - stick figures."
"I always tried to make it funny."
"My favorite was a stick figure deer, standing with an umbrella."
"My younger girl asked me to stop because the entire fourth grade wanted to see her napkins, every single day."
"Swarming my daughter, lunch monitors would call out the kids rushing towards her table."
"It wasn't special anymore, it was causing anxiety."
"Even in fourth grade, she understood that most of the other kids wished their mom would do something special for them."
"She felt sad for them, but she appreciated that we had that love."
"When I would help her pack lunch for summer jobs, I would sometimes slip one in."
"Just little smiles. 💜" ~ SweetWaterfall0579
"Why can't you get your spouse or sister a lunchbox (or two, the husband grabs the empty one at drop-off because she hands it to him or leaves it by the door or however drop-offs work)?"
"Or get one for your husband?"
"Why can't your husband take a second to look at what he's giving her so he doesn't mix it up?"
"Or why can't your sister open the container and check?"
"If it's the 'wrong one' she can break it up from its shape or fanciness?"
"Mix up the potatoes."
"Chop up the heart-shaped seaweed."
"Anything to destroy the shape."
"Honestly, she's the one with the problem and the ability to stop it."
"A simple check from both of them would resolve this."
"Why the hell is she being so f**king petty?"
"And why the hell is your husband getting off scot-free when he's causing a mix-up?"
"He has ONE job to do and that's to hand her the correct food. Good grief."
"Everyone is so damn stubborn in this situation."
"But you are the last person who should be required to 'fix' this drama."
"Get after your husband for not paying a split second worth of attention when handing it to her by looking for the mark or even opening the lid to see!"
"And tell your petty sister to check it before walking out her door and fix the fancy."
"There are so many ways to resolve this."
"And I think there's more going on with your sister than her having a 'too pretty' lunch that's made by you."
"Your sister needs to be real about what her true issue is."
"It may be with you, or it's something else going on at work or home."
"NTA, OP, about how you make it."
"But everyone else is for dumping this problem on you to solely solve." ~ Quirky-Waltz-4U
"Her free lunch should be over."
"The idea that she is entitled to tell the person making her a free lunch that they should make their own food to fit her preferences instead of their own is insane."
"She could beg daily for the rest of her career and she would still be cut off and making her own food for the rest of her life." ~ Worried-Cod-5927
"And the husband said maybe she should stop flourishing all the lunches and could also not get lunch made if he's on SIL's side."
"What OP is doing is lovely and every decent person would be happy about it."
"People are so unappreciative!" ~ renaissance_witch
"This is what I don't understand about this post, why continue making the lunches if there isn't even a crumb of gratitude for them?"
"Either way, NTA." ~ Melodic_Ad_8360
"NTA, but honestly, I would stop making her lunches entirely."
"Bringing lunches from home instead of buying something on the way in or ordering take out delivered to the office is pretty bourgeois."
"What she eats is none of her co-worker's business, but demanding that you put in extra effort to make hers less fancy is your business." ~ WhyAmIStillHere86
"That's what I don't get."
"SIL is getting free lunches delivered fresh every business morning and has the audacity to make demands."
"She can either shut up and enjoy the free, fresh, delivered food or shut up and make her own going forward, either way, she needs to stop complaining."
"OP, you need to stand up for yourself and not allow something as disrespectful as demands, and no thank you." ~ Environmental_Art591
"Why don't you color code the lunch boxes so that it will be easy to quickly identify which box is the SIL?"
"Overall NTA, you are doing her a favor."
"She should be grateful, and if the issue is her workmates making comments, then she really should be standing up for you to tell them that you are such a supportive SIL, and they should be all lucky to have someone like you in their life." ~ Iogwfh
"NTA. Honestly, you're a better person than me."
"I would have not made her any more lunches if she wanted to be immature and not communicate over that." ~ REDDIT
"NTA - if she doesn't like the meal you make her, stop making her lunch and let the ingrate feed herself." ~ Dominique-Gleeful
"NTA - but I think there is something more going on here."
"Is this kind of reaction normal for her when she doesn't like something?"
"It just seems like such an odd overreaction that I wonder if there is something she isn't telling you that would make it make sense." ~ TheWoman2
OP responded...
"I thought so too, normally she's a really reasonable and kind person so it didn't make sense to me that she was so reactive over her lunch."
"The only issue that I could think of was that maybe she was giving the lunch to someone else and that she didn't want it to be obvious that she did not cook it."
"I am not sure."
Well, OP, you have a lot to think about.
Your SIL has undoubtedly left you and Reddit in a quandary.
Unfortunately, she doesn't appreciate your efforts.
Reddit is with you.
It may be time for a serious conversation with her and your husband.
Something more could be going on.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp