Being a best friend can be just as difficult as being a life partner. There are ups and downs and sideways that lead feelings all over the map.
Sometimes the one person you thought you knew best or who you counted on most, changes the dynamics.
And talking it out can be... awkward.
Case in point...
Our Redditor MysteriousOption3067 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for asking my best friend why she didn't invite me to her birthday party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (20 F[emale]) have a best friend named Chelsey (21 F[emale])."
"We've been best friends since we were 12. We're very different people in terms that I'm an extrovert and she's an introvert."
"Making friends is not the easiest for her because of this, but I've always made it a priority for her to know I'm always there for her."
"She obviously has other friends, but in new settings she's shy."
"Throughout the years in either of our b[irth}days we've made it a priority to have each other there, no matter if the celebration was small/big."
"Even in the pandemic, when I had my bday, I invited close friends to my house and she was obviously one of the people I wanted there the most."
"Because we're both in college and I have health issues, we haven't spoken a lot, but that's never been an issue because we each are busy and we've never let that hurt the friendship."
"A few weeks ago was her bday, and the weekend prior to it I saw on her Instagram story a get together with some people but I didn't think anything of it, she seemed happy and I was glad for her, it was nice seeing her making new friendships."
"On her bday I texted her a whole paragraph and she answered very like 'meh.' On Inatagram I saw that people posted the pictures of the past weekend at the get together, but now there were videos of them singing her happy bday with a cake, hugging, etc."
"I asked her if everything was alright because whenever I feel something's off I prefer to talk it out."
"She said that everything was fine and that if it wasn't she would tell me."
"Then I sent her a text saying that I just wanted to make sure since I noticed everything."
"I just mentioned that we had always made having each other present for our bdays a priority."
"She said that it was just a small plan, she invited 6 people and 3 more just swung by to say hi, that she didn't want to make her bday a problem, that I should chill and that she could see me some other day."
"I was shocked because it felt like she shut me down."
"I apologized, told her that it was never my intention to make her bday a problem."
"And I wasn't mad, just sad since I had a bday present for her, that I prefer to talk things out and that I never meant for it to seem like I was angry at her, just felt pushed aside for something we always included each other in."
"She answered that sorry she made me feel this way and that it wasn't her intention I asked my b[est] f[riend] if I was out of line in any point of the conversation, and he said I wasn't and that he knows Chelsey and her response seemed very odd."
"A friend of mine said she responded to me as if I was an acquaintance asking to go to a party, instead of an almost 9 year old sister like friendship feeling sad that she didn't even consider telling me to swing by to see her on her bday."
"So AITA in this situation?"
Redditors had no issue sharing their thoughts on this matter by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors felt our OP was NOT the a**hole.
So let's take a deep dive into everyone's thoughts.
"NTA"
"Welcome to your early 20s when people figure out who they are while their friends do the same." ~ nickfarr
"I feel like you are reading too much into this. However, I don't know how you guys normally talk and act with each other."
"I know with my close friends, we kind of ceased communication in college (different cities), then we reconnect sometimes during breaks."
"Then after college, we started talking a lot more often." ~ silliputti0907
"Even if you both are best friends life happens."
"My best friend will get his second child soon and I am child free, so I am prepared that soon he will drop me completely."
"It is sad, but such is life." ~battousaidedo
"NTA, it does seem like she is drawing back from your friendship." ~ PattersonsOlady
"NAH"
"Friendships are sometimes complicated."
She might have just wanted to keep this friend group separate from you - maybe because she didn't think you'd fit together - you said yourself you have different personalities."
"Or maybe she just didn't want to share them with you."
"It's definitely OK to have friends together and separately and it's her decision who she wants to spend her birthday with."
"You obviously care a lot about her but you also sound a little condescending."
"I hope your friendship can survive. If not - be happy for the times you had." ~ ReaSiluz
"NTA. Whatever Chelsey's issue is she doesn't want to talk about it with you."
"You've tried and she's shut you down. Unfortunately not much you can do about it. Sometimes friends just grow apart."
"You mentioned that you are an extrovert and Chelsey is an introvert, do you think jealousy could be playing a part?"
"Or you've unintentionally overshadowed her in the past?"
"I'm not saying you've done anything wrong. But if you've very outgoing and bubbly and she's quite shy and reserved."
"She may feel you're taking her limelight." ~ Staricakes
"NTA, but this is a very clear sign she don't wanna be friends anymore."
"I wouldn't bother following up or asking what's wrong. She made a conscious decision to not invite you knowing you'd see her birthday posts."
"Not sure if she felt like things were just drifting apart or not but whatever her reason, don't push for it."
"She's already shut you down and said no. I'd leave it at that and keep things cordial or see if she reaches out to actually hang out or talk." ~ SilhouetteCommenter
"NTA. I was ghosted by my ex best friend of 13 years."
"It was sad and it hurt because she was the only one I truly felt comfortable with and I thought that she also viewed me as the same."
"But unfortunately that wasn't the case."
"It will take some time to completely move on but people come and go. I hope you feel better!" ~ sanji2x5
"NTA. But you need to open your eyes to the situation."
"She no longer views you as a close friend, or even a friend at all."
"She has more than likely put you into the acquaintance category. The sooner you realize this, the better off you will be."
"It really sucks but these things happen in your 20s as people form new friendships, and leave some old friendships behind." ~ guylefleur
Our OP circled back and reached out to everyone who had something to say.
She wrote:
"Thank you so much!!"
"I just wanted to say, I do know people drift apart and friendships end up drifting apart sometimes."
"I was just sad because this is one of the only 2 friendships I was able to keep after basically my parents, brother and I almost died several times in a period of 1 year and a half when I was a teen."
"I had to grow up very fast and lost the possibility to just be a dramatic teen to having the hospital as my second home, so obviously everything in my life changed, but she had stayed."
"I guess I'll just have to remember her dearly and hold a lot of gratitude for her, but also accept maybe we did end up being just casual friends."
Cheers to the good times we have together, no matter what.
Life happens. We all go in different directions.
It hurts.
Hopefully these two figure out where they're at as friends with everyone's feelings intact.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.