Are there some things which are plainly and simply unforgivable?
Redditor RepulsiveSprinkles50 certainly seems to think so.
Complicating matters, the individual she is refusing to forgive is the brother of her boyfriend of nearly a decade.
But after her boyfriend’s mother accused her of causing a rift in their family, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) asking fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not forgiving my boyfriend’s brother for stealing from me?”
The OP revealed the happy occasion she was sharing with her boyfriend and his family, before things took a turn for the worse.
“I (29 f[emale]) have been with my boyfriend (30 m[ale]) for ten years and have been living together for the past 5 years.”
“Recently we had my boyfriends family over for drinks, we all had such a fun time but after they had left I had discovered that someone had opened my Christmas presents and Christmas cards and taken the money that was inside the cards.”
“We discovered that it was my boyfriend’s brother and I flipped.”
While her boyfriend’s brother made some attempts at an apology, the OP simply wasn’t having it.
“I refused to answer his calls in his attempt at an apology and told him I wasn’t interested in hearing it.”
“I then get a call from my boyfriends mother who says that I should listen to what he has to say and accept his apology, I told her that this was unforgivable and I wasn’t interested in speaking to him.”
“She then explained to me that if I did not accept her sons apology I would risk causing a divide in the family and that I would be the one causing a family feud.”
“Everything that was taken was returned the next day, but for me it’s not about the stuff.”
“I’m more hurt that someone in his family could do this to me.”
“So AITA ?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors all but unanimously took the side of the OP, agreeing she was in no way being an a**hole by not accepting her boyfriend’s brother’s apology.
Few Redditors were convinced the OP was responsible for the “divide” in her boyfriend’s family and her boyfriend’s mother was only trying to hide her own embarrassment at the ordeal.
“MIL just wants to to make this embarrassment go away.”
“You aren’t the one causing a rift in the family.”
“Her son is, and she is too.”
“She’s being unreasonable, and if she allows this to escalate to a family feud, then her entire family is unreasonable as well .”
“Take yourself out of the equation.”
“This is your BF’s family.”
“Have him deal with the communication going forward.”- Hooked_on_PhoneSex
“How are you responsible for anyone else’s actions? “
“You didn’t steal anything.”
“If others choose to be divided how is that on you? “
“If the brother is 10 or something I’d understand why your BF’s mom would push you to hear the apology but I doubt he’s 10 and even then still not your fault.”- pnutbuttercups56.
“I love it when the victim of an action gets blamed for causing problems rather than the person who did the bad thing.”
“You can forgive but not forget, or simply not do either.”
“You also can never have the thief over again.”
“But you did not cause the rift, the jerk who stole your stuff did that.”
“Set clear boundaries and refuse to be gaslighted.”
“NTA – it sounds as if the 22 year old thief would be the reason for a divide in the family.”-WinterDecay
While almost everyone agreed the OP had no obligation to forgive her boyfriend’s brother until she was ready to do so.
“Man, I’d be livid too.”
“Trust is earned and your boyfriends brother destroyed it.”
“Take your time to cool down and if you’re feeling like it’s appropriate, talk to the brother.”
“If not, let him (and his family) live with the shame for awhile.”
“And don’t let the mother push you.”
“You have a right to be upset.”-Pac_Eddy.
“You don’t have to accept just an apology.”
“What you can accept is a total compensation for everything he stole, a statement that he realizes he is not and will never be welcome in your home, and an apology.”
“YOU, OP, are not driving a wedge in the family.”
“Your BF’s brother did that and all his apologists are widening that rift.”
“He stole from you.”
“Plain and simple.”
“He stole from you and they want you to just forget about it.”- Icefirewolflord
Some Redditors even warned the OP this might not be the last time something like this happens, and if that’s the case she should take even more drastic actions next time.
“Setting firm boundaries does not make you the A hole.”
“‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’-Maya Angelou.”
“That being said, I worry that this will become a pattern (if it hasn’t already) and swept under rugs.”
“I would warn them that next time you’ll just call the cops to deal with it.”
“And follow through.”- cis4cookie79.
“But really, with Christmas a week away, and this family doing the damage repairs, they don’t think this is a big deal, and it has happened before.”
“So you have an issue too.”
“Your issue is having a (relatively) nice Christmas with your BF.”
“I’m guessing brother is not welcome in your house anymore.”
“Make sure your BF is OK with that, and enforces that boundary.”
“Make sure you communicate that to his extended family: Little brother won’t come over again because he’s a thief (or, if you feel friendly, because he stole)’.”
“Are you comfortable visiting his parents, this Christmas, and in the future?”
“When he is there, or not? “
“You can set the boundary of not seeing his brother, but you cannot force your BF to go no contact with his brother, much less with his parents if they choose his brothers side.”
“So think where you want to set the boundary for the coming holidays, and for the future.”
“And discuss this all with your boyfriend before communicating ANYTHING with your in-laws.”
“They WILL triangulate you and your boyfriend.”
Indeed, while it certainly seems a stretch the OP is responsible for any sort of “divide” in her boyfriend’s family, one can only hope this episode hasn’t caused a divide in their own relationship.
Here’s hoping this all comes to a harmonious resolution.