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Woman Devastated After Finding Out Her Boyfriend Has Been Secretly Using A Gay Hookup App

Pablo Benitez Lope / EyeEm/GettyImages

A woman made a discovery that confirmed her suspicions about her boyfriend after denying it for some time.

But after confronting him about his online activity that could jeopardize their relationship, his excuse confused her even more.

So Redditor areolalola223 sought the advice of strangers on Reddit’s Relationship Advice column and wrote:

“My friend caught my boyfriend on Grindr. We’re in a heterosexual relationship.”

“My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months.”

“He’s always acted a little feminine and it initially bothered me but I decided to overlook it as he was a really amazing guy.”

The Original Poster (OP) listed off a checklist of stereotypes often associated with gay men to justify her suspicions.

“(He walks with a a bit of a switch, willingly talks in a high-pitched voice, talks with his hands, is really into chick flicks and trashy reality TV, drama etc) but there were no issues with our sex life so I truly never thought more of it.”

“Fast forward a few weeks ago I glance at his phone and am certain I see the Grindr app. I confront him about it.”

“He’s denies it and let’s me look through his entire phone. I check the App Store as it shows what apps have been previously downloaded and sure enough Grindr has been previously downloaded.”

“He mentions he made a fake profile years ago to catch his brother who was having an affair. I don’t buy it at first but after hours of convincing, I believe it as I really didn’t want it to be true in the first place.”

“I confide in my friend about this. It doesn’t sit well with her so she makes a profile on grindr without my knowledge. And sure enough he sends a picture of himself and within 10 minutes of the conversation my boyfriend is asking when he can come over.”

“I confront him and after a day of giving me these ridiculous a** stories he finally admits it was him and that he has been questioning his sexuality for years but hasn’t had sex with any men nor feels compelled too.”

“He claims that he has been on multiple sites but that he isn’t looking for sex but rather he’s looking for validation because people on these sites immediately compliment his looks and it makes him feel ‘so f’king good.'”

“But on the other end says that I provide the most validation he’s ever had in relationship? So I’m confused.”

“I called it quits and expressed that he should seek therapy or take the time to explore his sexuality without having a partner.”

“I’m devastated. This was the best relationship I’ve ever had. I was totally blindsided. I can’t even fully process it.”

“Did I make the right decision?”

While some Redditors were quick to declare her boyfriend was homosexual, others validated his feelings for the OP by mentioning that one’s sexual identity isn’t always as clear cut.

“Everyone in the comments is saying ‘he’s gay’ and I just wanna point out that bisexual people exist and, while I understand how hurtful the cheating is, it doesn’t mean that he didn’t have feelings for you too.”

“I’m glad that you did what you needed to do for yourself in leaving but don’t get into your own head about ‘did he ever like me at all? Is he really gay? Why couldn’t I tell when we were having sex?’ because it’s completely possible he likes women and men.” – the_korova

However, the sexually ambivalent boyfriend was not given a free pass for his caginess before getting caught.

“op, cheating is cheating and im so sorry you had to go through this.”

“dont feel bad about yourself or question why you didnt see any signs, he sucks.”

“your relationship was valid no matter his sexuality(minus the infidelity), and even though it was the best you’ve had thus far, it wont be the best forever. getting cheated on sucks ass, you did the right thing.” – snackandcody

“That’s the big problem right there. Not his sexuality, but the fact that he lied to you.”

“Given that he wasn’t forthcoming with the truth the first time I wouldn’t trust him about not meeting up with any men. Please for the sake of your health get tested.” – mandy_skittles

“Yeah you did the right thing. To get to the point your boyfriend was actively on a dating app whe in relationship It doesn’t matter what he was looking for it matters that he was looking.”

“Oh and he lied a f’kton of times to you so there is that too lol.” – ThatSideswipe727

When much of the comments focused heavily on his sexuality, this Redditor offered a different perspective in order for the OP to assess her situation.

“Take his sexuality out of it. Is it ok for your partner to go on hookup apps for ‘validation’ and an ego boost?”

“It’s your relationship, you can decide what you’re comfortable with, but in my opinion that’s a no.” – jjkbill

However, this person further argued that the boyfriend was not someone to be trusted by rephrasing the question that was proposed earlier.

“But the problem goes further than that.”

“She approached him about the app and he clearly lied about it, then when she had proof he used it, he lied again.”

“Then her friend lured him with a fake profile and he claimed he only goes for validation, but he asked the fake profile if he can come over…so he is a liar. He f’king cheats on his GF.”

“It doesn’t matter if he is f’king around with men or women. He is a liar and a cheater.”

“So the question is ‘Is it okay for your BF to lie and cheat on you?’”

“Since she dumped him, we can conclude she was not ok with those behaviors.”

“OP- Yes you did the right thing. Your EX is a POS.” – loujules17

“Absolutely the right decision.”

“He’s so lying to you about the validation. He can get that anywhere. He doesn’t need a gay site to do it.”

“He needs time to work out who he is and doing it behind your back it an asshole act. You shouldn’t be his back up plan while he finds himself.”

“Go live your life. You’re not his care taker.” – 1ForGo123

One Redditor expressed concern over how the OP initially described her boyfriend.

“If you feel emotionally cheated on, and he was keeping secrets from you and you don’t feel comfortable continuing the relationship as a result, that is totally up to you.”

“But I’m a little disturbed at you expressing discomfort with your boyfriend ‘acting feminine’.”

“Men don’t have to be badas**, action movie watching, deep voiced macho men to be men lol. I don’t know why those traits are always classified as ‘feminine.’ He can’t just be himself?” – SlowCivicSi

The OP responded:

“Initially, yes you’re absolutely right. But I was able to realize my bias and accept that that was him. That’s why I continued the relationship at the time.”

Most Redditors agreed that regardless of how the boyfriend identifies himself, his actions spoke louder than his words.

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Written by Koh Mochizuki

Koh Mochizuki is a New York-based actor and writer. Originally hailing from Los Angeles, he received his B.A. in English literature and is fluent in Japanese. Disney parks are his passion, and endless cups of coffee are a necessity. Instagram: kohster Twitter: @kohster1