Asking for forgiveness is a brave thing to do.
Accepting forgiveness and giving absolution is just as huge.
Often times when asking for forgiveness once must be prepared to not get it.
And be at peace with that.
Which is easier said than done.
Case in point…
Redditor orangesaredabomb wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my childhood bully (who is MtF transgender) that she will always be the ‘boy who bullied me'”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“When I was a in middle school, I was viciously bullied by this boy, who I’ll call Z.”
“He spread rumours about me, called me stupid and useless every chance he got, and made school a living hell.”
“It’s been 12 years, and Z has since come out as M[ale] T[o] F[emale] transgender.”
“She messaged me over social media and asked to meet up.”
“We went out for coffee, where she apologized for bullying me.”
“It was along the lines of, ‘I’m sorry for being mean. I was young, and I was struggling with my gender identity.'”
“I thanked her for her apology.”
“When she asked if she was forgiven, and I tried to avoid answering.”
“I am still not over what she did to me.”
“What Z did to me impacted me greatly, as I was an impressionable young girl.”
“I struggled with self esteem for years afterwards.”
“Z started getting defensive.”
“She told me that I was being petty and that I should forgive her.”
“I told her, ‘Why? You will always be the boy that bullied me. An apology won’t change that.'”
“She got really offended when I said the word boy, and said that I was misgendering her.”
“She called me a petty, transphobic, vindictive, and ignorant, then stormed out.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. If they bullied you as a boy in the past, the MtF transition won’t affect that.”
“You don’t have memories of Z as a female bullying you.”
“Therefore no matter what the present or future has to do with them, they will always be that boy in your mind.” ~ christian674512
“I wish all the people saying op is the a**hole would read this.”
“OP is not an a**hole for what she said bc the memories are of a boy bullying her.”
“She could’ve said ‘you’ll always be the person who bullied me’ I suppose but Z was presenting as male when the bullying happened and those are OP’s memories.” ~ dailey_dose
“A lot of Trans people seem to think that you HAVE to forget about who they were and anything they did from before their transition.”
“And that mentioning it is the same as violence and bigotry and transphobia.”
“I don’t know, the only people who try to hide their past that much tend to have f**ked up things in their closets.” ~drzerglingMD37
“Right on the money!”
“Changing genders doesn’t change what they did to negatively impact someone.”
“This person should have understood and given OP time to reach the point of forgiveness.”
“Sure, transitioning and dealing with the struggle is a difficult path to face, but memories are hard to forget regardless.”
“The damage* was done and not so easy to get over.” ~ mcfuuuu
“I’ve noticed that when someone wants to be forgiven for wronging someone.”
“But doesn’t want to take accountability, they have this convenient line to use: ‘I’m a different person now.'”
“What that phrase SHOULD mean is, ‘I accept my past failings, and I work every day to become a better person. I will never repeat my past actions because I strive to be a better person than who I was.'”
“Some people use it more as, ‘I don’t do that thing anymore, so you cannot hold me accountable for doing it in the past.'”
“They act like this line means they are LITERALLY a different person, and you can’t call them out for past actions, because it wasn’t them doing it.”
“But them going through a personality/behavioral change doesn’t negate the fact that their actions hurt someone else.” ~ Inquisitor1119
“This post is helping me so much, as someone who has a person in my past who hurt me who is now transgender (no longer in my life).”
“I have struggled so hard to try and resolve the incongruity of what they did versus the person they are now (as the other gender) being so out of touch with what they did.”
“They never talked to me about it, but a lot of people have said that I am transphobic for not being able to get past the old gender or erase their previous identity from their actions.”
“Sometimes AITA posts aren’t helpful, but the ones that are have been life changing for me.” ~ Averander
“The past matters, and if someone wants to not forgive someone for something they did in that past that’s their right.”
“Them being different now doesn’t change the fact that they wronged you in the past.”
“I like the motto: ‘Forgive but never forget.'”
“I might forgive the person, and not dwell on the past, because that’s healthier for me.”
“But I’m not going to act like it never happened, I will remember it, and that will affect all my future interactions with said person.”
“And I expect people I wronged to treat me the same way.” ~ MaximumRecursion
“A couple of former bullies tried to apologize to me and my response was about the same as OP’s.”
“I thanked them for the thought and no longer held a grudge against them, but what was done was done.”
“It won’t go away and I never want to associate with that person because of it.”
“OP’s bully using their transition as an excuse is extremely petty.” ~ REDDIT
“I have been known to forgive a bully – but only when that bully demonstrated they are both sorry for what they did and that they are no longer like that.”
“This woman has a half-a**ed excuse (‘I was struggling with my gender identity’ is not an apology) and is demanding that OP HAS TO forgive her.”
“She hasn’t apologized, and has shown that, despite the transition, is still a bully.”
“She has NOT earned forgiveness.” ~ KnottaBiggins
“NTA. This is such an important point!”
“Once people change, their old name may be ‘dead’, their way of life may drastically changed and they wish to leave all that in the past.”
“To automatically assume everyone will instantly drop the past and forget about it is absurd.”
“Whether they bullied you 20 years ago or it was your son who you raised for 20 years who is now your daughter, it takes time to adjust.”
“One of my childhood friends has been transitioning MtF.”
“I absolutely support her in her journey but it’s hard to forget all the memories and experiences I had with ‘him.'” ~ ThePrideOfKrakow
“Moreover, although OP could have said ‘you’ll always be the person who bullied me,’ the gender of her bully may be important to her because it may have affected her relationships with men.”
“Just as if it had been a girl it could affect her relationships with women.”
“She has the right to her own memories and perceptions, OP is certainly NTA.”
“The bully is still a creep, as evidenced by demanding forgiveness, which is just messed up.” ~ goldenette2
“Agreed, I came here to say this!”
“And also it’s so important to understand that an apology doesn’t equal forgiveness!”
“Just because you apologized doesn’t mean that you are owed or entitled to forgiveness.”
“An apology can very well be too little too late.”
“And if she feels like she’s owed the forgiveness and calls OP petty and vindictive because they’re not comfortable with that.”
“It means that she really hasn’t accepted what she’s done and really faced it, it makes the apology meaningless.”
“F**k that! Saying you’re sorry is easy, it means nothing unless one contemplate one’s actions.”
“NTA OP!” ~ GaiasDotter
“NTA, she wanted to apologise for her sake, not yours.” ~ PublicFacade
“EXACTLY. This was in no way about making OP feel better – it was about making HERSELF feel better.”
“People often forget that offering an apology does not make you entitled to being forgiven.”
“This is why, when I’ve been apologized to by people who have severely wronged me and I’m struggling to forgive them, I always ask ‘WHY are you sorry?'”
“If they answer quickly enough with an explanation that includes me and my feelings and show’s they’ve really THOUGHT about this, I know it’s genuine.”
“If there’s a pause, or they struggle to explain why in a way that isn’t, frankly, all about themselves and how THEY feel, then I know it’s just a masturbatory apology and they can (continue) to go f**k themselves.” ~ kckaaaate
“If someone was hit in a crosswalk by a blue car at a young age, they were forever still hit in the crosswalk by that blue car regardless of what color it may be painted today.”
“Doesn’t make the victim a blue car hater. It is what it is.”
“Every disagreement with a transgender person is not a transgender issue. NTA.” ~ betteroff80s
Well OP, Reddit understands your feelings here.
You have every right to not dish out forgiveness to past tormentors, not matter what their issues were.
There is a lot of healing to be done here for both of you.
Hopefully it happens.
Good luck.