There are going to be times when our loved ones will need us, and we will drop everything to be there for them.
But while we might be willing to "do anything" for someone we love, totally putting our lives on hold shouldn't be one of them, stressed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Beautiful_Metal8555 felt that her niece was overly dependent on her after her niece's mom died, and she hoped that taking her on a trip to her mom's home country might help with that.
But when she realized that this trip with her niece might get in the way of her long-term boyfriend proposing to her, the Original Poster (OP) realized she had a tough decision to make.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for canceling my niece's trip so I can go on one with my boyfriend?"
The OP previously agreed to go on a trip with her older brother and niece.
"I (26 Female) initially planned on going with my niece (11 Female) and brother (37 Female) on a trip to her mother's home country during summer vacation."
"My niece's mother died when she was less than a year old, and the trip was going to be the first time my niece would be visiting her mother's home country, as well as the second time she would get to see her maternal grandparents since her mother's death."
"However, my niece suffers from attachment issues, which cause her to have severe anxiety. As a result, she has panic attacks whenever she goes to unfamiliar places without her dad or I present."
"Short trips to nearby places are fine with just her dad but because this trip will be for a month and somewhere far away that is very different from what she's used to. I have to be present for the trip to happen."
"I had agreed to the trip about a year ago under the pretense it would likely happen in July of this year."
The OP was also working on plans to go on a trip to Italy with her boyfriend.
"Last month, my boyfriend (26 Male) asked me to spend two weeks with him and his family in Italy during August."
"I agreed as it wouldn't interfere with my niece's trip."
"However, last week my brother told me that he could only get time off for the last two weeks of July and the first two weeks of August during summer vacation, which interferes with the trip to Italy."
"My boyfriend can't reschedule as it is the only time that works for his family."
"I asked my brother about moving my niece's trip to sometime during the school year, but she has recitals and other events that she can't miss."
The OP had to make a tough decision and pick between the two trips.
"Originally, I was planning on missing the trip to Italy, but after speaking about it with my boyfriend's sister, she hinted at my boyfriend proposing to me during the trip."
"My boyfriend and I have been together since we were in high school, and a large reason why we aren't engaged yet is because of my niece's dependency on me. He's been more than understanding towards the situation, which would make me feel awful if I delayed his proposal for my niece again."
"To be honest, I'm also tired of having to put my life on hold for my niece, so I told my brother I couldn't go on the trip with them, which essentially meant he had to cancel the trip."
Reactions to the OP's decision were mixed.
"He was very mad at me, probably the most mad I've seen him since my niece was born, and called me an a**hole as well as some other choice words for accepting to go on another trip when I had already agreed to this one."
"I was taking my niece to therapy this week, and the therapist pulled me aside to tell me how much my decision was hurting my niece."
"She didn't sound like she was blaming me, but it made me start to rethink my decision."
"I also brought it up with a few friends and the reactions were mixed."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the niece and brother had been codependent to the OP long enough.
"NTA. I had to go back and double-check how long it had been since your niece's mom had passed. It might be different if it had been a recent loss, but you can't place your life on hold indefinitely."
"Reading the title I thought you'd canceled a scheduled trip for your boyfriend, but you committed to a different timeframe with your brother. It is unfortunate that the new timeframe doesn't work, but that isn't your fault. Your brother has a conflict with the original time, and you have a conflict with the new time. That's just how it goes sometimes."
"Honestly, it sounds like she needs a new therapist. The therapist should be teaching her coping mechanisms not trying to shame you into making things easy for your niece. Again if it had been a recent loss, then some coddling would be understandable, but this is just too much." - Sad_Appearance4733
"OP's brother is essentially using OP as a replacement mum to his daughter, and the therapist seems to be encouraging it, which is extremely unfair to OP. She's still young and has her whole life ahead of her."
"OP's niece and brother both need a therapist to teach them that they can't use OP as a replacement mother for her niece, especially when they're expecting OP to do it to the detriment of her own life."
"They both need to learn to cope without OP because the niece's codependency on OP is just going to get worse as she gets older."
"The main issue is that they expect OP to constantly play the role of her niece's replacement mother, which by the looks of it has been going on since OP was 16. Sorry, but OP IS NOT HER NIECE'S MOTHER, nor is she a replacement for her deceased SIL (Sister-in-Law)."
"At 16, OP should not have been filling the role of mum to a child that isn't even hers, and her brother shouldn't have done that to a literal child. If he wants a replacement mum for his daughter so bad, then he needs to find a partner who's willing to fill that role, or at least a role of parental figure, not pressure his sister who's given up 10 years of her life for them."
"Enough is enough. OP needs to live her own life." - danigirl3694
"She is the emotional support human for her niece, according to the brother and therapist. A substitute mother might have more to say in decision-making, but doesn't sound like she has any say, or even the right to an opinion, regarding this, she should just... be the emotional support human always." - Bambi_MD
"It's almost like the brother changed the dates of the vacation to overlap with OP's vacation with her boyfriend, thinking that OP would choose brother and niece over boyfriend."
"I think the brother doesn't want OP to have a husband and family because then he wouldn't have OP as a surrogate mother to her niece. The brother's reaction is why I think this. He's furious his little plan didn't work and she might slip out of his grasp." - MelodramaticMouse
"You either prepare the road for your child or prepare your child for the road. The niece is not being prepared for the road, and the situation is not sustainable."
"The brother cannot expect OP to be at her niece's beck and call for the rest of her life. The time to find a Plan B... was honestly several years ago. But better late than never. NTA." - __The_Kraken__
Others agreed and recommended the brother seek out a new therapist for his daughter.
"NTA. I get depression can be incredibly difficult but he basically forced you into a parental role at a young age. Now he's taking advantage."
"It sounds like a new therapist that will challenge her more is in order. I was agoraphobic and mine gave goals until I could function mostly normally. If your brother isn't in therapy he should be as well." - suitandpi
"Her therapist isn't working to lessen that sense of dependency, it seems, she's encouraging it. Seems like even if they were good at first, her progress has stagnated with this therapist. Either the family needs to sit down and discuss new therapeutic goals or she may just need a new therapist. Either way, this situation isn't healthy." - _K_P_
"I'm so sorry for your family's loss and your niece's struggles."
"I am somewhat concerned about this therapist, and the fact that your brother and niece are still so dependent on you, what, seven years after you were her primary caregiver? It's also very unfair on you that you were forced into a parental role as a child yourself."
"I'm sure you were willing to do it for your brother and niece, but it's still unfair, and your brother now seems to just expect you to give up everything when he asks, and refuses to be flexible about his own plans or niece's (the trip could be shortened to accommodate Italy since he had to move the dates and now there's a conflict (which is his issue, not yours), or he could try to shift his plans, or he could talk to niece about whether she'd prefer to not go on the trip or to miss a couple of recitals and plan it during the school year if she'd prefer the trip, etc)."
"Also, I'm a little suspicious of why the trip was planned a year ago and he said July and he's only now asking for time off and apparently can't possibly do it any other time now that you've planned the Italy trip..." - lawfox32
"How did you do your own schooling when you were 16 years old, if you were also babysitting your niece from babyhood until age four?"
"I mean honestly from where I sit this looks like a situation where the nearest female, no matter how vulnerable (you, aged 16, not yet done with school) was co-opted into being a caregiver to whatever family member needed it."
"Just because it was done, with no one standing up for your right to live your own life, doesn't mean that it was right, or that you have to keep doing it forever." - Reasonable-Sale8611
"You're on the road to getting married. Perhaps you'll want kids of your own. Perhaps you'll have to move, for your or your partner's work."
"The therapist has to hardcore start giving the kid coping strategies and working with her father on some kind of progressive process to detangle you from your niece. Since you seem to be involved in her care as a pseudo-parent, to the point where the therapist discusses her issues with you, nothing wrong with you raising that with the therapist and asking her what strategies she intends to use."
"If she gives you deer in the headlights, that kid needs a new therapist. Not all of them are actually competent." - anoeba
The subReddit was deeply concerned not only by how attached the niece was to the OP, but also by how the OP's brother and family therapist were supporting that attachment, not to mention how the attachment was stunting the growth of the OP's own life.
As endearing and thoughtful as it might be for the OP to play this major role in her niece's life, it was important for her to go on and experience her own life, too, especially if there was evidence that important milestones in her life, like a proposal from her long-term boyfriend, had already been delayed because of her commitment to her niece.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp