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Woman Clashes With Her Traditionally-Minded Fiancé By Asking Him To Plan The Bulk Of Their Wedding

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Let’s face it. While getting married is an exciting new chapter for any couple, the path leading to the big day can be extremely stressful.

When it comes to planning nuptials, it should be important for engaged couples to be on the same page—or at least in the same book.

Redditor Throwawaynwlxu29733 is a 29-year-old bride-to-be who is struggling with upcoming wedding plans with her 32-year-old fiancé.

She visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:

“AITA for asking my fiancé to do most of the wedding planning?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“My fiancé and I recently got engaged and are hoping to get married in 2022. I have asked my fiancé to take on the bulk of wedding planning and he thinks I’m an a**hole for not taking on more of the work.”

“I’ll help make decisions and coordinate day-of but I don’t want to have to do the research to find vendors or handle little details. We’re paying for this ourselves so a planner isn’t an option.”

“The main reason I don’t want to plan the wedding is that I don’t particularly want a wedding at all. I would love to just elope with the two of us, but he wants a traditional wedding.”

“I’ve asked if he would compromise on things (like having a ceremony just the two of us and then a party after) but he won’t budge. Most aspects of a wedding are things that I either don’t enjoy or are things that make me really uncomfortable.”

“Walking down the aisle and saying personal vows in front of people I don’t really know? Very uncomfortable.”

“Father/daughter dance? Not going to happen since my dad isn’t in the picture.”

Dancing? Hate it.”

“Drinking? Nope, I’ve been sober for 9 years this summer.”

“Maid of honor speech? Won’t have one since I don’t have a maid of honor. Most of my close friends are abroad and won’t be able to make it anyway.”

“Having to make sure everyone is having a good time? Not my idea of a good time for myself.”

“I also asked my fiancé why he wants a traditional wedding so much and he said that he wants to experience having a best man speech, hanging out with his friends and getting ready, and having his best friends next to him at the alter.”

“He wants to party and drink with them like he has done at their weddings. All the reasons he wants a wedding revolve around him and his friends, not the idea that it would be nice to celebrate our relationship.”

“I pointed this out to him and this upset him. I won’t deny him his dream wedding, which is why I’ve backed down on eloping, but I don’t think I should have to plan this especially when I’m dreading it so much.”

“Never mind the fact that I work full time in a very stressful job and am in grad school. He is on admin leave right now so he’s getting paid to hang out at home and has more bandwidth for this than I do.”

Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
  • NAH – No A**holes Here

Many Redditors sided with the OP and said she was NTA.

“NTA I think it’s perfectly fair for him to do the majority of the planning when he’s the one that wants the traditional wedding. And I really think it’s a good point that the reasons he wants it are about him and his friends rather than y’all.”

“I definitely see why you don’t want any part of it, especially if you’re really not going to have those same experiences yourself (maid of honor speech etc).” – theXwinterXstorm

“He should have a really awesome bachelor party/weekend with his buddies. Then have the tiny wedding OP wants.”

“OP is NTA. Honestly, I’d take this as a yellow flag. What other things is this dude going to demand OP do just because he wants them? Does he think she should plan the wedding because she’s female?”

“This sounds like a great situation for premarital counseling.” – PurpleMP12

“I agree. I think OP needs to sit down and be super firm, laying down all the reasons why he should be the one doing the major planning.” – theXwinterXstorm

“I was scrolling to see if someone mentions this. Fiancé wants OP to do all the work so he and his buddies can have fun.”

“I’m all for fun, btw, but plan it yourself and find a respectful compromise for what you and your eventual life partner want.”

“Feels like OP and the fiancé need to have some serious conversations about expectations, roles, etc… for a life partnership.” – benji950

“And she’s 9 years sober and he wants to drink with his mates? Really?”

“Is he expected to have one drink or will be he absolutely faced on their wedding night? Because I’ve had nights where my husband was wasted and I was sober and let me tell you – it. was. not. a. good. time.” – erin_bex

“NTA. I definitely want to second premarital counseling. Learning how to navigate issues like this constructively now is important.” – Born_Ad8420

“He should just have the stag party, tbh. Spend a fraction of the cost the wedding would have been on a kick-ass guys’ weekend—rent a place within walking distance to bars and maybe a lake or something they can do while hanging out during the day, in the evenings they can dress up nice or themed or whatever they want and get ready together, the other guys once drunk can take turns standing on chairs and giving speeches, all of that.”

“Yes it would be missing the vows at the altar, the dancing with the bride, etc., but he needs to realize that he’s choosing to marry someone who finds those things deeply uncomfortable and that it’s OP’s wedding too so her feelings should not be discounted.”

“If doing a guys’ weekend with his friends and then eloping with his fiancée isn’t good enough for him, he’s basically saying that his wants for all of those things are more important to him than OP’s needs to not be forced into an uncomfortable miserable day at her own wedding.”

“Not a great way to start out a marriage, and if this is going to be the case I would STRONGLY suggest some serious premarital counseling (not just one session with the officiant, with a real marriage therapist) before OP decides this is the person she truly wants to marry. Will he ever put her first?”

“OP, NTA. You should not be guilted by your fiancé into turning your wedding into something you will hate. Don’t start out your married life together resenting being forced to just suck it up and deal with it.” – m2cwf

Overall, Redditors agreed the OP’s fiancé should be mindful of her concerns since this is her wedding as much as it is his.

Hopefully, the pair will reach a healthy compromise.

Written by Koh Mochizuki

Koh Mochizuki is a Los Angeles based actor whose work has been spotted anywhere from Broadway stages to Saturday Night Live.
He received his B.A. in English literature and is fluent in Japanese.
In addition to being a neophyte photographer, he is a huge Disney aficionado and is determined to conquer all Disney parks in the world to publish a photographic chronicle one day. Mickey goals.
Instagram: kohster Twitter: @kohster1 Flickr: nyckmo