After ending a relationship, some people are lucky enough to remain on good terms with their former partners, even managing to remain friends.
Others, however, are not so lucky, and instead choose to go low or have no contact with their exes.
As even the very thought of them can bring up painful memories.
Redditor Dense-Entrance7881 hadn’t spoken to her ex-fiancé in a number of years after their relationship ended on less than cordial terms.
However, upon learning he was soon to be married and being haunted by a memory, she decided to get in touch with his fiancée.
A decision that did nothing to repair their estranged relationship.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the a**hole “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for contacting my ex’s fiancé without his consent?”
The OP explained why she felt compelled to contact her ex’s new fiancée, and how he reacted to learning this news.
“I (30 F[emale]) was engaged to Anthony (32 M[ale]) 4 years ago.”
“Our relationship ended for a number of reasons but we had been together since high school.”
“We did not have the best ending and there was a lot of hurt.”
“I moved across the country when I moved out of our shared home.”
“We cut contact following our split and have remained no contact ever since.”
“We have mutual friends still so I occasionally receive updates about his life and I am sure he receives the same.”
“5 years ago, Anthony’s mother, Liz passed away after a long illness and because we were engaged, Liz had given me a letter and a wrapped gift that she wanted me to give to Anthony on our wedding day.”
“It was not specific to our wedding day but since she knew she would not be there she decided I should be the one to do it.”
“She asked me to just keep it between us (she did not want her ex-husband or other kids to know).”
“8 months later when we actually called off the wedding, I had forgotten about these items as I had stored them in my childhood bedroom for safekeeping, and in the midst of moving across the country, I left the items behind which I am aware was careless.”
“Fast forward to now and I recently learned that Anthony is engaged to Beth (30s) and my first thought was that I am really happy for them and wish them all the best.”
“I then was thinking about our canceled wedding and his mom.”
“I really loved her like a second mom and I was struck with the sinking feeling that I still had the letter and gift from her and that I had never returned it to the family.”
“I then remembered Liz asking me not to share it with her other children or ex-husband and while I was unsure of the exact reason, I think it is because she had done the same for her other children but I am not sure who is holding on to their letters and gifts.”
“I brought it up to my husband and explained how guilty I felt about still having these things and I just did not know what to do.”
“Together we talked through all the different options I could have called him but felt it would ruin the surprise on the actual wedding day which is what his mom wanted.”
“I could have contacted a sibling but then I feel like it would have ruined their surprise since they are not married yet.”
“I thought about relatives but I just don’t know who.”
“I settled on Beth.”
“It just felt right that Liz wanted it to come from his soon-to-be wife.”
“I reached out to her via social media DM and wrote her an extensive letter detailing what I have stated above.”
“I told her she could do with this information what she wanted but that would be in my hometown next month and would love to get these items to her.”
“Apparently, this was the wrong thing to do.”
“She told Anthony about this my message and he is pissed that I reached out to her.”
“He says I have no business contacting his fiancé.”
“I am torn now because I was honestly trying to honor his mother’s wishes and return the items to their rightful owner.”
“I really felt like I was doing the right thing for everyone.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for contacting Beth about the letters Anthony’s mother left her.
While some felt that contacting Beth might not have been the wisest decision, particularly as she had no idea what the contents of the letters were, everyone agreed the OP’s intentions were honest and genuine, and Anthony shouldn’t have reacted the way he did.
“You explained your business with the fiancé pretty succinctly here, actually.”
“NTA and good f*cking luck to his future wife.”- BigBigBigTree
“But, you should maybe consider just giving them straight to Anthony.”
“What if the letter says something about ‘I’m so happy you’re marrying Dense-Entrance, she’s perfect for you’?”- Kirstemis
“But I can see why you broke up, what a delightful guy.”- SmokEMcTokes
“you were trying to fulfill his Mothers wishes.”
“His fiancé had the option of responding or not, you at least gave that option.”
“It may have been a bit of a shock to receive the contact but if you accept that someone has a past you have to accept that sometimes that past may sometimes come into contact with your present.”-Man_at_arms84
“It sounds like you were trying to do a nice thing, but I would have probably used one of the mutual friends to get the gifts to him/his fiancé, would have just felt so awkward hitting up his fiancé out of the blue.”- GroundbreakingGap570
“No good deed goes unpunished.”- NotCreativeAtAll16
There were some, however, who felt that while the OP didn’t do anything wrong, Anthony’s anger was also justified, feeling that he’s the one OP should have contacted, particularly owing to the less-than-harmonious way their relationship ended.
“Going NAH as it sounds like this is a complicated situation and we don’t have the perspective of the ex regarding how the relationship went down and how he feels about OP.”
“So I don’t want to judge his reaction as TA.”
“I think your intentions were good, and I understand the process for how you landed on reaching out to the fiancee.”
“That said, I think it was the wrong move.”
“She doesn’t know you and had no reason to believe you had good intentions.”
“Therefore she was justified in showing it to her fiance, your ex.”
“His response is what clued me in that there are some obvious unresolved issues and he has a reason (valid or not) for being against you contacting his fiancee.”
“Personally I think you should just mail him the stuff with no return address.”
“Yeah it’s not exactly what his late mother wanted, but she also wanted you guys to get married and that’s definitely not happening.”
“It belongs to their family and they should have it.”- TheLongistGame
The OP later returned with an update, revealing that Anthony later called her, and explained his fiery reaction.
“So I heard from Anthony again over the weekend but this time it was a phone call, which I was very surprised about.”
“We have not spoken a word to each other since the day we broke up.”
“Well, he was at a get-together with friends on Saturday and he was still pretty angry about my reaching out to Beth.”
“He was telling some of the party-goers about the interaction and that I should have never reached out to her.”
“The following is what he told me about their reaction to the conversation.”
“I guess the people he was talking to (not friends I have kept in touch with) thought that he was overreacting.”
“They told him that it sounded like I was trying to fix a mistake that I made and did not mean any harm.”
“So then his best friend, Mike, asked him why he was really angry.”
“Anthony said this got him thinking about his reasoning and he realized he wasn’t actually mad about my contact with Beth but the fact that 4 years ago I actually moved and cut contact.”
“He said that when he decided not to move, he was sure I would change my mind and that when I left it was a total shock to his system and he was really angry with me.”
“I acknowledged that the way I left was terrible but also implored him to take responsibility that he completely blindsided me and left me with very few options.”
“He apologized for this and for his anger and I apologized for leaving and cutting contact.”
“I let him know the dates I will be in town and I would happily send the items to them if he gave me his address.”
“Instead, he asked if he could come to pick them up which I said is fine.”
“Overall, it was a good conservation that I am glad we had.”
“I doubt we will ever be friends but I am glad we seem to be at peace with each other.”
Sometimes finding closure can be an intimidating, almost scary task.
But at the end of the day, closure is necessary, as it is ultimately what allows people to move on with their lives.
It seems that a lack of closure is what ultimately led to Anthony’s initial, angry reaction, and now that he and the OP finally have closure, they can both happily co-exist.