One always wants to keep a good relationship with one's colleagues.
Even if you won't necessarily be friends and see each other outside of working hours, it's still in everyone's best interests to be cordial and respectful with one another.
An almost guranteed way of ruining a harmonious workplace, is when people behave like they have more responsibilities than they actually do.
An issue recently faced by Redditor HotAZthesun, who's professionalism at the office was questioned by a colleague of equal rank.
Something the original poster (OP) was not afraid to tell her was not appreciated in the slightest.
Concerned their behavior might have been equally out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling a coworker 'are you my supervisor or superior? Then I don't need your opinion'."
The OP shared how they have a fairly enviable commute to work, which they take full advantage of.
"I'm fairly new in a position that I live where I work."
"I show up on time, leave on time and doing al my tasks I'm supposed."
"My office is at most a two minute walk from my apartment."
"Because of this I can get back from the gym less than an hour before I need to be in office and be ready and in my office at the start time."
"I should also note it's summer where I'm at and I live in place where it's unbearable hot out at this time."
"Because of this, when I go home for lunch I change into work out clothes to take my dog out and then change back before I go to work."
However, the OP's pre and post work attire caught the attention of a colleague, who felt the need to express their disapproval.
"Yesterday, a coworker who is the same position/level as me confronted me and said 'hi I just wanted to make some suggestions on how to be more successful here'."
"I had no idea where she was going with this but I already was internally rolling my eyes because this person in particular is quite known for not being professional and it is commonly known the only reason she hasn't been fired is because we are short staffed."
"Anyways I asked what she meant and she said, 'well you are always wearing plain clothes right before work, right after work and even at lunch'."
"Like I know you aren't on the clock but, it just doesn't look appropriate or professional looking that so close to working hours'."
"'People might get the wrong Idea'."
"I asked her."
"'Are you my supervisor or my superior?'"
"'No?'"
"'Then I don't need your opinion on what I do on my own time'."
She replied, 'you don't need to be a jerk'."
"'I'm just trying to help you'."
I said, "I don't need your help', and walked away."
"Later that day, another coworker mentioned that the co worker in question would be late to the office because they had a traumatic experience earlier and needed to collect themselves."
"Am I really the a**hole here?"
"This was the first time she has ever spoken to me in the two months I've worked here."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for clapping back at their colleague.
Though some felt that they could have done so in a nice manner, everyone was in agreement that the OP's colleague was out of line, and the OP was right to put her in her place.
"NTA."
"Unless your company has a strict policy on how you're supposed to dress, then your clothes weren't her business."
"Maybe schedule a visit with HR."
"She may try to blow this encounter out of proportion."- Vamoss39
"NTA."
"Ugh, what an annoying co-worker."
"Sorry you're dealing with her."
"Might be good to check in w/ your boss or supervisor at your next one-on-one though and say something like, 'I've recently gotten some feedback that I found a little odd and wanted to double check with you'."
"'My gym is near the office, so in my off hours I'm often nearby the office in gym clothes'."
"I would never wear these while on the clock, of course, but after that feedback I mentioned, I did want to make sure I'm not doing anything that is frowned upon'."
"Almost certainly your boss will say something like 'what? No. You're fine!'"
"And then ask about this 'feedback' you got."
"This will open up the conversation to let your boss know that your coworker is being weird and out of bounds."
"Or hell, maybe your workplace has some weirdo cultural standards and your boss will let you know about them."
"Either way, it's probably good to check in."- fibchopkin
"NTA."
"Did she ask you to smile more?"
"I get that a LOT."-7dayweekendgirl
"NTA."
"Really, she came upon you with unsolicited advice, you told her that it's unsolicited, and now she is having a nervous breakdown because of it?"
"Just how thin her skin is?"- Sunny_Hill_1
"Lmao."
"NTA."
"Traumatic experience?"
"None of her business what you do outside of work."
"Nor really during work that matter as she isn't your superior as you stated."
"What u said wasn't nice, certainly, but she was sticking her nose where it didn't belong."-Potential-Use-4971
"NTA."
"Your co-worker needed to mind her own business."- ChapSteve711
"NTA."
"Do what this woman would do if a man was paying such close attention to what they were wearing when on breaks / outside of work and report from for sexual harassment."
"Obviously I'm not suggesting you actually report her but being a bit blunt is better than what would probably happen in reverse situation."- annoyedtenant123
"NTA."
"She was probably using her seniority to impose her opinions to you, your reply was appropriate."
"The other possibility is that she, completely inappropriately, was warning you about something."
"E.G., someone else commented on your clothing."
"I would tell what happened to my supervisor to see what they say."
"And just in case she complains about me."-lellyla
"Lmao."
"Drama queen much?"
"NTA."
"She over stepped."-throwthawholemeaway
"NTA."
"She was trying to tell you what to do while off the clock."
"Even a manager has no right to do that, and she's not even that."
"She's same level as you, she says something about 'getting ahead in the company again', ask how'd she'd know or what she's doing wrong, because she isn't ahead of anything."- No-Personality5421
"NTA."
"Report her to HR or management about attempting to micromanage you on your off time and attempting to be a manager to you."
"She is potentially creating a hostile work environment."
"If she has problems with you, she should have talked to an actual manager about it."
"From here on out, act civil and respectful with her at work, ignore her when you are clocked out."
"If there are any other problems, go to management."- Purple_Death72
"NTA."
"It might have been a little harshly phrased but it sounds like that's necessary for this coworker."
"And from someone who also is in a hot summer place, dress rules are pretty lax when it's topping 100."- Lawn_Orderly
"NTA."
"I also change into work out clothes for my lunch break."
"If a colleague offered me unsolicited advice on how I dress outside the office, I hope I'd be as polite as you."
"And what is this 'wrong idea' people might get?"
"She's testing whether you're someone she can pick away at when she wants to feel big, you've shown her you're not."
"Job done."-Honest_Ebb_8328
"Definitely talk to HR about this because it sounds like she probably will."
"If you had commented on her clothes it'd probably be considered sexual harassment so it's totally fair for you go to HR and ask for clarification on the dress code, because she approached you about it and then tell them that you didn't mean to be rude but her comments made you uncomfortable and you just wanted to get out of the conversation."
"After you talk to HR, document everything that happened at the meeting in an email to HR, bcc your personal email, and give them the chance to correct anything you may have misunderstood."
"Hopefully this doesn't escalate but these are good steps to take just in case."
"Try to avoid talking to her unless it's in writing or there are other coworkers present."- Inside-Potato5869
"NTA."
"If they're not paying you to dress to their business standards then it's none of their business."
"There's a manager here that has 0 authority over me."
"He doesn't like it when i don't bend to his stupid comments or 'jokes'."
"He was obviously joking when he told me i couldn't take a day off the next day and I told him that's too bad for you."
"He was visibly shocked at my response."
"Like dude stay in your lane."- amaraame
One always wants to show they're going above and beyond in their place of work, as that might hopefully one day lead to a promotion.
But acting like you have more authority than you do will not leave a good impression on either your colleagues or your superiors.
Something the OP's colleague will hopefully realize going forward.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.