Content Warning: Armed Robbery, Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
When we think about dangerous things happening, from a car accident to an apocalypse, we all think we know what we would do during that moment of crisis.
But nothing quite prepares you for the moment until it happens, and then really, the most important thing to do is to create distance between yourself and the danger, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
A Redditor, who has since deleted his account, was recently walking home with his wife after a nice date night when they were confronted by two men with guns who robbed them.
When his wife later accused him of not protecting her, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure how he could have done more without having a gun.
He asked the sub:
“My wife and I were robbed while we were out on a date. My wife is mad I didn’t ‘stand up for her.’ AITAH for not risking our lives over our wallets?”
The OP and his wife were on the way home from a nice date.
“My wife (30 Female) and I (33 Male) were out on the town for a date night (we don’t get to go out often). Everything was fine, we had a few drinks, and finally decided to walk home.”
“We only live a few blocks from the restaurant we were at and never had any issues in the past (we live in a somewhat nice upper middle class area).”
“We decided to cut through the park and have a night romantic walk at night.”
But then something terrible happened.
“Shortly after, we got approached by two guys who presented what we believed were guns, demanding our phone and wallets.”
“We were totally caught by surprise and freaked out so we handed everything over.”
“They got more elevated and told us to ‘take off your s**t'”
“At that point, I was starting to panic, obviously, but what he h**l was I going to do against a gun?”
“Long story short, I looked at my wife and started to take my shirt off. She hesitated but did the same. Eventually, my wife and I ended up in nothing but our underwear, and they took off.”
“We eventually flagged down a car and got them to call the police. They gave us something to cover up with and filed a report.”
“The cop was cold toward us and really seemed not to care. We assume nothing will come of it.”
The OP was surprised by how his wife handled the situation.
“The next day, my wife refused to talk about it. Obviously, she was upset, and I wanted to give her space.”
“But today, she confronted me, fuming that I didn’t ‘protect her.'”
“It exploded into a big fight, but what was I supposed to do, fight two armed men to save us from walking down the street in our underwear and losing some cash (we canceled our cards fairly quickly)?”
“I really have no idea what else she expected me to do. They didn’t touch us or physically hurt us in any way.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that not fighting back was the smart and safer choice.
“Had a friend stand up to a thief. Now, their three kids don’t have parents. Can’t think of anything I own more valuable than my life.” – williamclaytonjourn
“I once had a homeless guy try to rob me with a screwdriver, and because I was caught off-guard by it, I said I wasn’t giving him anything and told him to go f**k himself. It was a non-thinking reaction that just sort of tumbled out of my mouth.”
“And it was a monumentally stupid thing to do. If he had tried to escalate and all beyond a simple robbery, I would have been f**ked. I realized immediately after that I was dumb and should have just handed over my wallet. The only reason I’m not dead is because while that guy was a thief, he wasn’t a murderer.”
“OP did the right thing. Pride goeth before a fall.” – AHorseNamedPhil
“I used to do martial arts when I was younger, and the instructors always told everyone not to try to fight someone who was trying to mug you. Just give them your wallet or whatever and get the f**k out. Or if they do actually try to hurt you anyway, neutralize them and then get the f**k out.”
“The safest thing to do is to not be there. NTA.” – espressocarbonbloom
“Even as someone who carries a concealed firearm, drawing on someone who already has the drop on you is just asking to be shot and killed. Defensive firearm courses taught me: never draw on a drawn gun.” – -v-fib-
“If someone demanded I undress on the spot in front of another stranger and my husband, I’d probably go right to dissociation and leave my body, in preparation for what would come next.”
“This event would leave me in a bad way for a looong time if it were me, even if nothing happened and even if logically the best course of action possible to stay safe was taken at the time.”
“I don’t condone the wife blaming the husband for what happened. Or the name calling. Hopefully she’s lashing out due to the trauma of it all, but if it continues, then they need to discuss therapy or divorce.”
“They did what they thought was going to keep them alive and that’s all you can do in these types of situations. Can’t blame either victim for happened.” – Altered-babe
Others agreed and said the OP’s wife was experiencing a trauma response.
“You both probably would have been shot and killed if you fought back. It happened to a family member of mine. You did the right thing.”
“Trauma gives people weird feelings and reactions. I hope you guys talk to a therapist to process it.” – Training_Mastodon_33
“This is absolutely a trauma response. Not a doubt in my mind. Trauma affects everyone differently. H**l, it even affects the same person differently at different times.”
“I know no one was hurt (thank the gods!), but the trauma is very real and very valid.”
“I work in the mental health field and we do a lot of work with crime victims. Reach out to your local city or county human services department to see if they have a crime victim’s advocate or other crime victim’s services. Often times they are social workers and can help you with numerous resources. Many places even have funding to help pay for therapy and/or medical appointments.”
“Another place to look if you are in the US is the website psychologytoday.com where you can search for therapists that specialize in trauma and even specifically crime victims. I’m sorry I don’t have resources for other countries, but perhaps someone else can chime in with some info.”
“It’s really important to find some therapy help soon though. The longer you wait, the worst it can get. And try not to take what your wife said personally. There’s a whole lot to unpack after sometime like this, and right now, you’re the closest one, and thus the easiest to lash out at.” – aparrotslifeforme
“All that is necessary for PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is fear and a strong enough sense of powerlessness. So much so that it is not uncommon for witnesses of a traumatic event to suffer more psychological distress than the people injured during it (a.k.a. survivor’s guilt).”
“There are many well documented and effective treatments for the amelioration of PTSD symptoms. Some of them can be self-led (like journaling) but others require a psychologist (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and some a psychiatrist (pharmacological).” – Hideyoshi_Toyotomi
“Even after a ‘harmless’ attack (where nobody is physically hurt), people can often forget the mental impact something like this has. You can question your existence in the world, your place in society, the vulnerability of just walking in a public place, you can lose faith in institutions, and begin to become disenfranchised with society.”
“The quicker they both attend therapy, the better.” – PremiumTempus
“It’s much easier for the wife’s brain to go, ‘If I had a husband who would defend me, this never would have happened,’ than the reality of, ‘There’s nothing either of us could’ve done in this situation to stop it once it started.'”
“In the aftermath of trauma, the brains want to find a way that they can prevent the situation in the future. It makes it easier to move on, no matter how applicable the ‘solution’ might be. NTA to both of you, OP.” – PostitivePlatypus17
“NTA. I went to school with a nationally ranked kick boxer. He once got robbed at knife point.”
“When we asked him what happened, he said, ‘I gave him my wallet and watch. Never fight someone with a weapon.'”
“And, your wife is processing trauma. Give her some space and concern. You both deserve it.” – theresites
The subReddit understood how traumatic the experience must have been for the OP and his wife, even if they walked away safe, albeit without the possessions they’d had on hand.
The larger issue was the potential of what could have gone wrong, which was likely what the OP’s wife was fixating on, as well as how they might prevent such a thing from happening again.
Clearly, the OP’s wife needed more time to process and likely therapy, with her support system right by her side.